New blog

I have started a new blog. I hope all of you will come and read it and join the challenge! At least come and read it and see what I've been up to and what I'm going to be doing just over a year from now. If you want to join the challenge, let me know.

http://gotcar.blogspot.com/

Choir Concert

Tonight was Monique's spring choir concert. It is so wonderful to go watch this young lady sing. She loves doing it and it is obvious in her face. She generally has either a solo or sings a part with another couple of kids. She opens her mouth and sings and everyone can hear how beautiful her voice is. I am very proud of her. Last spring she tried out for the Jazz Choir. She was chosen and was thrilled. But it was a big committment. She has to go to school shortly after 7 am three days a week for practice. She was there 100% of the time the first two quarters, but finally was so sick she just couldn't get there and missed a day. We videoed the concert tonight, and I hope I can figure out how to put some of it on here tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Excuses and a Birthday Party

I didn't post yesterday, but I honestly had a good excuse. So here's my story:

Yesterday was Tommy's birthday party at the rec center. Lala went nuts with decorations, gifts bags, a pinata and everything else for the party. And Tommy loved it. The theme was Star Wars. Of course, she also got the brilliant idea to have me make an R2D2 cake. And I can't say no to my grandkids.

Setting a New Goal

My goal was to start writing in my blog again. I'm way behind, and there have been some major changes in my life lately. So here is my new goal. I will write something in my blog every day. It doesn't have to be long, it probably won't be brilliant and might not be interesting to anybody but me. It's just going to be the habit of writing every day that I'm working on.

So here goes for today. In a nutshell, the changes in my life are I got my hours cut at work to 20 a week, gave up my apartment and am now living with Lala again/ There are definitely pros and cons to this. I know the grandkids are glad I'm here until I make them clean their rooms, that is. And I hadn't realized how much of a hermit I've become since moving into the apartment. There were days I would go home and find any excuse not to leave for any reason. If I didn't stop at the store on my way, I made do without.

I have internet access here but no tv service. I have a bigger kitchen to cook in but have to be careful not to go back to my old eating habits. I have a huge bedroom but lots of stairs to get down to it.

A few days before I moved I was sitting on my bed feeling totally and completely sorry for myself. I'm 52 years old and can't keep a roof over my own head. The fact that there are thousands of people all over the country in the same boat didn't make me feel any better. So I had my pity party, ranted and raved, screamed at a couple of husbands because they're not here taking care of me or at least here to hold me when I get scared and cry.

And then I realized that I am truly blessed. When I told Lala and Spencer about my hours being cut and not being able to pay rent, both of them immediately said 'come live with me.' So I guess when times are black and gloomy and all seems to be lost, families are all that is left. And I am grateful for mine.

My Name

Malia had this name thing on her blog, so I followed link. I think most of it isn't true. What do you think?

You Are Seductive and Ruthless You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

Happy Birthday Howard

Happy Birthday Howard. Do they celebrate birthdays in heaven? I have thought about you all day and wondered where we would be and what we would be doing if you were still alive. I have met so many people who divorced after 25-30 years. We would be married 31 years in Aug.

Happy Birthday Spencer (yesterday)

I couldn't get to a computer yesterday to say:

Happy Birthday, Spencer. You are now a very old 29 years old. It about broke my heart when I asked how old you were going to be and you said you are now older than Nick.

Spencer was due on Christmas Day. I remember telling Howard that he would be born at home unless he waited until after the other three kids opened their presents. Well, by the time I went into labor on Jan 3rd, I was wishing he would have come on Christmas Day. At that point, there had been no New Year's baby born, so i was excited when I woke up with some mild contractions. I called Brenda, and she said they were inducing her friend that day. I told her that was cheating. We got up, took the boys to Brenda's and went to the doctor appt I had that day. Then we went shopping for Howard's birthday presents cuz his birthday was Jan 6th. Mild contractions all day, doing nothing. The doctor wanted to see me again that afternoon and I wasn't doing anything.

That evening about 10 pm I headed to the hospital. Still no progress. In fact, they said they would keep me for two hours and if no progress, they would send me home. Well, in two hours a little progress, so they kept me. After a very restless night I decided Spencer was gonna stay just where he was. After all, it was nice and warm in my tummy. But finally just after twelve noon he was born. It had been a hard labor, I had finally pushed before they told me to cuz his head just wasn't down enough to do anything. When he was born he had a bright red mark over his left eye and the back of his head just before his skull. I was upset for days over that, but they finally faded. But for several years when he cried, they would show up again. Thank heavens he was finally born.

Happy Birthday Christopher

Unfortunately, my laptop crashed last month. So I don't have a baby picture to post. I will find one and get it on soon. But let me just say that my Christopher was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. The only other two babies I'd been around newborn was David and Greg. Now before I insult them, let me just say that Chris had the most perfectly shaped little round head, he had dark skin, dark eyes that looked right into mine when I held him the first time, and dark hair.

I was living with Dad and Mom during the last half of my pregnant. Mike was in the army and had been sent to Germany for six months. I woke up on the morning of Dec 30th, got out of bed and thought I had peed my pants. Any of you that have been 9 months know that your bladder isn't very reliable. But then it happened again. So I called Brenda, and she told me my water must be leaking which mean we were going to have a baby. No labor pains though. Marsha and I drove down to Brenda's and visited and had lunch. About 4 o'clock I started having very mild contractions. We went to the courthouse and picked up Mom from work and went home. Things went very slowly, so about 9 pm I decided to go to bed. At 11 pm I got up for the bathroom, and I just about doubled over with that contraction. So Dad and Mom got dressed and away to the hospital we went. Things progressed pretty well. Now remember this was in the days before lovely epidurals. I got a muscle relaxer shot which did nothing and gas as I got into delivery. I didn't realize that the gas made me talk every more than I normally do. Mom said she stood outside the delivery room door and listened to me rattle on. Chris was born at 4:47 am and weighed 7 lb 14 oz. And let me say again, he was a gorgeous baby.

Happy birthday to my oldest son, Chris. I love you sooo much! You have always made me proud of you.

Merry Christmas to All

It has been a while since I have written here. Part of that is due to getting my health and strength back, part is due to just not being online as much. My laptop crashed (VISTA sucks!), and I don't know when that will be fixed.

But I did want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope it is the best one you have had so far! Can't wait to see those pictures.

Follow-up

I have to admit that I haven't missed internet. Now for those of you who know how much I am usually online, that tells you how rotten I have felt. It has definitely been an uphill battle to recover from this. The jury is still out on whether I'd do it again. But that's mainly because I'm still on liquids (broth is getting old) still on loratab (that makes me loopier than normal) and very tired all the time. But each day gets a little better and a little closer to soft foods. Let's all hear three cheers for mashed potatoes!

Internet Vacation

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be taking a mini vacation from the internet. Now, I'm not sure if I'm going to survive or not. I loooove the internet, and I am addicted to all your blogs and catching up on your lives. But I will just have to do a lot of catching up in a week or so.

Now that those of you that don't know why are asking "why isn't she going to be online?" I'll always that question. In about two days I am having major surgery. I have having a hiatal hernia fixed and a gall bladder yanked out. When my doctor talked about how long the hernia had been there, I told him I had it since July 1980. He said 'that's pretty specific.' I said 'well, that was the month I was suspecting I was pregnant with my 5th child in 6th years.' I realize pregnancy doesn't cause them, but having four other little babies jumping around inside me pushing everybody every which way probably didn't hurt.

Between the hernia and the gall bladder I haven't felt good for a while now. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from eating when I do feel ok. But this has been quite the year for medical procedures. And I was told if I don't get this done, there is a good chance that I will get cancer of the esophagus down the road. In fact, when I got the scope done, my doctor told me that he had done biopsies of my throat because there was so much damage. Now that makes two cancer scares this fall. The waiting and wondering and thinking about my 'bucket list' is horrible. But I have to admit there is quite the high when the results come back ok, and I feel like I've been told I'm gonna live longer.

When I went to see the doctor to get those good results, I asked him how soon I would go back to work. I thought this would be like the other procedures, and I would have a weekend off, and be back on Monday. I about fell off my chair when he said 2-3 days in the hospital and two weeks off work. The best news, however, was a total liquid diet which can result in a 15-20 weight loss. Now I have to admit this isn't the best diet in the world, but I'm planning on it being a kick start to more.

So please, all of you, remember me in your prayers, send good wishes my way, and I will soon be back rambling on again.

Sixteen years

First off I have to say that this post might not be suited for everybody. And I don't want it to sound like I just write sad, depressing posts. So feel free to skip this one. I started this blog as an outlet for my emotional roller coaster life. For a long time only a couple of people knew about it, and even they didn't read it often. When some started reading this, I thought long and hard about continuing it. Not that I write anything that I would be totally mortified if they read, but this is more for me and therapy for what I go through. It's not written with an audience in mind. I do like getting comments, but I don't want to have to constantly think about that when I'm writing. Anyway, here goes:

I got to work today and looked at the date to put on some paperwork. My first thought when I realized it was Oct 15th was'who's birthday is it? It's something today." And then it hit me that sixteen years ago today Howard died. I don't go back and read previous blogs often, so I don't know what I've written before. And I'm not going to. I'm just writing how I feel right now Oct 15, 2008. For so many years after that day, I couldn't function on this day, I could barely breathe. I finally learned to just take the day off work rather than go there and fall apart and then have to go home. And today it snuck up on me, and I made it through the whole day. I admit I had to turn the radio off once, but that was ok. And I'm proud of myself for getting through this. It's not that it hurts any less than it did the day he died, it's just that I've learned to deal with the pain. I've learned how to distract myself from it when I'm around other people. I hate cliches, but I've also learned that time does help. I thought that I would get online and write about my memories of that day. But now that I'm here I realize I don't want to.

I want to go home, eat supper and spend some time just enjoying the memories. We had fifteen years together. There were some bad times and good times. Every marriage has those. But he was a good man, and I miss him. And I always will.

First Snow Winter'08

I'm watching Lala's kids this morning with a couple of extras. They are so excited about the first snowstorm of the winter. And it is actually a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the snow is melting (that excites me) and they had to go build a snowstorm.

Living in the Moment

My Dad used to say that he would enjoy fall a lot more if it didn't mean winter was coming soon. And he didn't like the winter. He was a man who loved being outdoors in nature especially up the canyon. I guess I'm a lot like my dad. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. It means warm weather is coming soon, it's not cold, it's not yet hot. And this year summer didn't stay long enough.

But around the end of August I decided to try something new this year. I was determined to enjoy every last second of fall and not think about the cold coming. We made a couple trips to Vernal. The canyons on the way are always so beautiful with the changing colors of the leaves. I wish I was a better photographer because I would have loved to be able to capture the colors of green, yellow, orange and red. However, for those rides I just lived in the moment of looking at how beautiful they were. I then said something that shows how much I live in the future. I asked Lala if the leaves turn in Evanston or do they just fall off the tree. At that point, I honestly couldn't remember noticing the leaves changing colors here in town. But I have now.

About a week ago I had to walk into my apartment complex from the road due to some work on the parking lot. As I walked around the side of the building taking the shortcut, I walked past some bushes. They had turned the most gorgeous shade of red. I thought about coming back and cutting some of them and putting them in my apartment. Would they stay pretty very long? I wasn't sure, so I just stood there admiring their beauty, living in the moment.

I have had car problems the last couple of months. I only drive to and from work. So I take sandwich fixin's and keep in the fridge. But if I eat in my office, I end up answering the phone. So I eat in my car. And I enjoy every moment of sunshine, sometimes opening a window partway to feel the cool breeze.

Today is feeling more like winter, but somehow it isn't as horrible to know it is coming. Maybe that's because I've had a wonderfully lovely fall.

The Way We Were

Sometimes the hardest part of blogging is coming up with an appropriate title. Other times the title comes and then you have to figure out what to write about it. Read on, and maybe you will figure out the title. Or maybe I will tell you at the end.

I talked to my sister this morning on the phone. She asked me if I was going to wish her a happy anniversary. My goodness, they have been married 38 years. Or was it 39? It's a long time, and they deserve such congratulations on making it together that long.

But the thought that hit me was that today could have been my anniversary too. When Rod and I were getting to know each other and were trying to sit a date, he just opened his mouth and out came "Oct 8th." Looking back, I think it popped out cuz it was so far away. I honestly think the whole proposal was a mistake on his part, that it just slipped out. Because the whole time were were engaged there were problems. Everything from believing it was real and planning moving me to Salt Lake City to him not wanting anybody in his family to even know we were dating let alone engaged. But that is a whole other story.

We did have some good times. And I have no regrets whatsoever. I am glad he was in my life the way he was. I don't feel bad that the marriage didn't happen. I think it would have been a mistake, but the things he taught me weren't. He was so good at making me think and stretch my brain. I still miss that sometimes, and come close to picking up the phone. But our lives have gone their separate ways.

Now as to the title of this blog: not only do I remember the way we were with a smile on my face, it is also his favorite movie. Of course, for those of you who have seen it, Robert Redford does not get Barbra Streisand. But the memories are there, and they are good ones.

Healing and Thankfulness

I have written a couple of blogs about how hard it is to work on the headstone for Nick, Ru and Audrey. Bit I have to add to that again. I know this is a little boring, but it's my blog. I have to say that I didn't realize until this weekend how healing it is for me to think about what I would like on it and give input. I took my laptop to Vernal and showed Grandma our ideas. Of course, we both shed a few tears looking at the ideas. I talked to Mary last night and told her that I think I have done more healing in the last couple of weeks than I have in the last year. I'm not sure healing is the right word though. Perhaps acceptance should be in there as well. It hurts to think about them being gone. But it will always hurt. And I know that there will be times when the pain and grief will be as deep as it was the day they died. But I also know that there are getting to be times when I want and need to talk about then and their life and the way they lived. Maybe there are times when I need to talk about the way they died. That will change from day to day.
But, Mary, I want to say thank you for letting me a part of this process. When you realized how hard it was for me, you could have just went ahead and made the decisions. But it was important to you for me to do this and for you to know what I wanted. Thank you so much!

More on Headstones

I've done quite a bit of thinking since the last post on the headstones. And I have had a epiphany. I realized that the reason I didn't think I had an opinion was that if i don't get involved, I don't have to face that face that my son is dead and gone. As I started looking at the ideas Mary sent me, I did havef opinions and ideas and feelings, both good and bad. I am so thankful for Mary and for her giving me the opportunity to be part of this process. As hard as it has been, it has been something that I have to do and is good for me. And I will be anxious to go see how they turned out.

Headstones

How on earth do you choose a headstone to mark the grave of someone you have loved lost? As I've been talking to Mary about them, I realized one more thing we (both families) laid on her shoulders. I'm sure that most of us didn't think about things like that a year ago. We thought we were just choosing whole we wanted Joie to live with. We thought of things like where would she feel the most comfortable, where would she be centrally located to still see all of us. And I have no doubt that all of us were guided by Nick and Ru. I remember talking to Maryann, the counselor at Primary Children's. She was so amazed that Stan and Diana and I were so in agreement over the hard decision we were making. Of course, all of us wanted Joie to be with us. But we all knew this was a time to listen to the spirit and do what was best for that beautiful little girl. We had to do what was best for her, not for us.

Ok, I digress. Back to the headstones. I had input into the design for Howard's headstone, but because of location I didn't do the actualy work. NOTE TO SELF: Call Brenda tonight and thank her again for doing all the work. She listened to my ideas, found someone to draw the train picture, met with the mortuary, and did so much work above and beyond the duty of a sister.

Thinking back, I have a lot of blank spots about picking Jim's headstone. I remember Lala going with me, and possibly Brenda along with Jim's Mom and maybe brothers.? I remember wanting the Provo temple because that was 'his temple.' And I remember the reaction when I wanted the roses on the sides of the book. I was told that usually that is for women and men's headstones have the leaves. But Howard's and mine has roses, and I wanted Jim's to match. My burial plot is right in between theirs. At the time I laughed at Lala's idea that I should put a double on Jim's with both our names on it, just like I had with her Dad. But now sometimes I wish I could have done that.

I opened the file Mary sent me this morning for Nick, Ru and Audrey's headstones. And I immediately closed it. I'm online before work, and I will have to wait until tonight. I don't need to go to work with puffy, red eyes. I kept telling Mary that I was ok with whatever they decided, because I know they got lots of imput from Joie. But after I hung up the phone last night I realized that I just don't want to have to deal with making decisions for the headstone for my son because he's not supposed to be dead!

Nick's Birth Day

I planned to get this written long before now, but the road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions. But at least I'm writing it now.

Howard and I were both so excited 30 years ago the closer it got to Nick's birthday. Howard was working at the welding shop and helping an old friend, Wade,with his moving company. He had a trip to Provo planned. They were loading and leaving on Sept 15th. Well, this baby just didn't seem to want to be born. I can't remember his exact due date, but know he was late just like the rest. So I said I was going with him. Of course, I didn't tell anybody. But then just as I was getting ready to go teach Primary, I realized that maybe this baby was gonna be born soon, like within the next day. I talked to Brenda and realized the trip with Howard wasn't a good idea.
He drove to Roosevelt to load the moving truck with Wade. The two kids and I were at Mom's. I started having a few contractions, so about 9 pm I called and left Howard a message that maybe he should come back to town after loading. He got to Mom's about 11 pm, and he wanted to go to the hospital. Now this may have been the first he was there for (that's how he put it), but it was my third. So we went home so we could get some sleep although Howard thought I was crazy. I don't remember how much sleep we got, but a little; the contractions were pretty light. At 6 am, we got up and headed to the hospital. Now I wish I could tell you exactly what time Nick was born. I know it was either shortly after 10 am or shortly after noon. It was a pretty neat experience having Howard in the delivery room. He stayed for a few hours and checked out his new son. But then he had to leave to take the moving van.

He drove to Provo, and it was pretty late when he got there. He was going to spend the night at Kimo and Marsha's, and unload in the morning. He didn't want to wake them up, so he slept in the moving van. Marsha was so upset with him when she woke up in the morning and realized what he had done. He unloaded and came straight home. In the meantime I had filled out the birth certificate form. I had to call Mom to make sure how to spell Nicholas. She said that was how she had seen it in books. Howard and I were naming him after Charles Nikolas Young, his great grandfather. And yes, I spelt the name wrong. I always told Howard it was his fault for leaving me at the hospital.

Happy Birthday nick

Happy Birthday, my sweet son. I wanted to write something really special, but decided at this time just to put a few pictures on.