Forgiveness

If I asked how many times we are to forgive someone, a half forgotten scripture comes to mind. Something along the lines of forgiving seven times seven and that the Lord will forgive who He will. I could take the time to look it up, but at this point I just need to let my feelings spill out through my fingers onto this page.

I am so good at telling other people what to do and giving them wonderful, wise advice. Yeah, right. Then some thing happens in my own life and I think 'hmm, guess that works for others, but definitely not for me.'

I was raised by a wise mother who told us that we would get punished for doing something wrong. But the punishment would be worse if we lied about what we did wrong. I tried to instill that teaching in my own children. I don't think it took very well. But that could be because it was more a case of 'do what I say, not what I do.' My kids have seen me tell white lies and not complete truths when I think the truth will hurt someone. Maybe even other times. But I guess I hold others to a higher standard. I don't want to be lied to. My kids have learned that sometimes it's better to just not tell Mom something if it's going to upset her or make her mad. They've seen me do the same with my Mom.

Although I understand the principal of forgiveness and how we are to forgive others I guess my question is at what point do we say "I forgive you, but I can no longer stay in this situation because of the dishonesty." I tried to make him understand that with every lie my belief in what he says grows weaker until I don't believe anything he says. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf. My trust is gone, and I don't know if it can be won back. I don't know if I want it back. No, what happened wasn't a huge thing, it might not even be a bump in the road in some marriages. But it is a big thing to me.

The thought that have been going through my head this weekend is when is enough enough. Do I stay and continually listen to "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. It was stupid of me to do it." Because at this point I don't think it will stop. I think every few months it will happen, the fighting will start, the apologies will be given, a few days will go by, and things will go back to normal. Does he keep doing this because he knows I will eventually forgive him and come back? If I don't stick to my guns will he ever learn to stop?

I love him. I really do. But can I live this way? Do I say ok, if you do it one more time, I'm gone? I believe I said that last time. When do I stick to my word? When do I walk away? When do I tear my heart out of my chest and leave? Actions speak louder than words. When he chooses to sneak behind my back and think it's ok cuz he won't get caught, to me the message is I care more for this than I do for you.

I can talk until I'm blue in the face. I just don't have the answers. All I have is the pain and heartache of making a decision.

Happy Anniversary

Four months ago tonight I married this wonderful man. Every time I start to blog I end up going back to see what I've already written. But not this time. I'm going to just write how I feel right now, today, at this very second. So I have no clue what I've blogged about Mike before. I also end up going back and writing the background so if anyone is reading it, they can understand today. Nope, not doing that either.

This wedding was a long time coming. Mike told me once that he knew shortly after we met that he was going to marry me. He was just waiting to be sure I was going to stick. Smart man. These past four months have been hard. They have been rough. Some days have even been hell. Most of that is because of me. The reasons behind that are going to be left for another blog. Right now I just want to say that four months ago today I woke up knowing I was getting married and that I was doing the right thing. There was no hesitation, no fear. I had waited a long time for this man to ask me.

In so many ways Mike has made so many of my dreams come true. We have a home. Mike would do anything in his power to make me happy. So he's let me come into this home and disrupt his life making it a place that I feel good about. I have loved changing things around, adding a 'woman's touch' and filling it with house plants. I enjoyed the little things. I love leaving for work and knowing I'm coming home to Mike. I love the drive home to our home. I love waking up next to him and spending a few minutes cuddling. I love ending each day with his arm wrapped around me. No matter how bad my day is, if I can end it with my head on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around me, it ends well. But I have found out the hard way that if things aren't good between us, I can't handle anything. The opposite is also true. If things are good between us, I can handle the rest of the world. (Note to self: come back and read this often).

Over the past year and a half I have seen Mike change and evolve. Tonight we ate dinner and he just left to go help his brother unload hay. He's tired, but he knew he was needed and he went. I have watched him open up and blossom and become such an incredible man. He still continues to surprise me with his actions, and I think he always will. He is so much more than almost anybody else realizes. And more than anything, when I'm not being stupid, he makes me happy. Enough said!

Changes

I've decided it's time to start blogging again. However, I plan for this to be a little bit more than just what is going on with my life. At least not the day to day stuff. I don't know if anybody follows my blog. But most of my life writing things down has been therapy to me. So this blog is for me. Anybody who happens to read it is more than welcome. And maybe somebody will read something that will hit a chord in them. There might be posts that will make you uncomfortable. There might be posts that are hard to read. I hope there won't be posts that will offend anyone. But as the title says, these are the days of my life. It's been a rough journey so far. I'm not sure it will ever get any easier. But it's my journey. So if anyone is reading this and following, buckle your seat belts. It could be a bumpy ride.

Learnng from Generatons Past

This morning Spencer woke me up before 5 am. He said "mom, can I say something?" I said 'sure'. He said "I love you. I just want to say thank you for all you're doing for us right now." Well, hearing something like that made it worth being woke up. Now I can't go back to sleep, and I wanted to write a few of my feelings right now.

I was so blessed to have such a wonderful family. My parents have always been there for me no matter what. A friend told me the other day that with God there are no coincidences. Things happen for a reason. And I truly believe that. I was told of something that happened to my Grandma Richins years ago. It truly shaped my Grandma and Mom's behavior regarding family.

When my Grandma was just a few months pregnant with her third child, her husband died of the flu. She was living in Vernal and her parents were in Tremonton. Now this is what I remember of the story. I hope I have the facts straight. Grandma didn't know what to do, so she wrote her Mom to say she needed to come back home for some help. She was all ready to leave when she got a letter in response. Her Mom wrote to tell her not to come home. Not sure exactly why she did this. But Grandma stayed in Vernal and did the best she could with those three little kids. I think the experience taught her two things. She became one of the strongest women I've ever known. But it also taught her to always be there for her own kids no matter what the circumstances.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. And there were times I know my Mom wasn't happy with me and probably didn't like me very much. But I always knew she loved me. And she was always there for me. Many times when things in my life got tangled she would tell me to come home and she would help me. My parents taught me what unconditional love really means.

The biggest lesson I learned was to always try to be there for my kids. Even when they were grown up. I had a woman at the hospital tell me the other day that her mother in law was never there for her. She said it was nice of me to be there for Amy. I told her that Amy is as close to me as my own daughters. Amy has called me Mom since before she and Spencer were married. I have said I don't have a choice but to do whatever I have to for Spencer, Amy and the boys. I guess I do have a choice. But it is one I wouldn't or couldn't make. Because of my Mom's beautiful example, I do whatever I need to do to be there for them, to take care of the boys so both Amy and Spencer don't have to worry. And I don't regret my choices.

Things happen for a reason. With God there are no coincidences. It may take us days to realize that. Or it may take us years to finally find the reason behind something happening. Or we may never know in this life. But we just need to have faith and know that God is watching over us. And we need to learn the lessons from generatons past.

Until Our Wedding

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Three Beautiful People

Three years ago today three beautiful people suddenly were gone. In an instant our lives were all changed. The pain is still here, but the memories now bring more comfort than pain. So I wanted to share a few fun pictures.

The first pics were taken at Dan's birthday party. Nick and Ruth were good at taking pictures, lousy at developing them and even worse at sharing them. So when they were around, I would get out the camera. Now look closely. In every single shot one of them would close their eyes. I think they had a code or something. It was so funny, and I never did get a shot with both of them with eyes wide open. LOL






And then there is Audrey. What a sweetheart! I can't find the other pictures I want to post of her. But I will find them and post the story behind them.



I just want to end with how blessed I was to have them in my life. I love all three of you and miss you every single day. Until we meet again!

High School Reunion

My high school reunion was today. It has been 36 years since I graduated. Someone got the bright idea to have it a year late and combine with both classes after us. I only went to the picnic. It would have been fun to go to the dinner tonight, but I wasn't paying $30 for prime rib. Maybe I should have.

It is so weird to go back to your reunion. As we drove past the park on our way to grab some lunch, I realized I had the time wrong and lots of people were already there. So I started this whole 'oh, my gosh, I'm late. Where am I going to sit and who am I going to sit with?' But I went anyway. I got to see quite a few I went to school with. Unfortunately it seems all the kids I was friends with didn't make it. But it was still fun to see everyone.

Esme

First off, let me show you how sweet this cat was when she was little. She is the one in the top left corner.


We got a phone call from my daughter's friend. Her daughter had caught four little kittens from a wild mama. She didn't want anymore wild cats at her house. She took them to the shelter and they refused to take them. So she brought them to Evanston. When we went to see them I reached down to pick up this tiny ball of fur. She hissed at me, and it was love at first sight. I picked her up and tucked her under my jacket close to my heart. She fell asleep. We bottle fed the kittens for several weeks. There is a bond when you have to do that to a helpless baby kitten. She used to lay on my chest while I worked on my laptop. One day I realized someday she would be grown and too big to do that. So I had to teach her to lay beside me. She is laying on Monique in this one.



When I moved to Dry Fork she soon became an outdoor cat. If you've ever been around a cat in heat, you'll understand why. She didn't end up pregnant, and I was glad. I was trying to come up with the money to fix her. It is so expensive. I wish all these people who run the 'spay or neuter your pet' ads would pay for it. LOL

A few weeks ago I picked her up as I was outside feeding the cats. She was gaining weight. Sure enough, she was pregnant. On July 1st she had her kittens. We figured they were in the hay barn, but couldn't find them. She spent a lot of time inside, and I couldn't see that she had nursed babies. I figured they hadn't made it. But this morning Taylor, who I love, adore and worship, found one of the kitten by itself in the hay. I wasn't home. She and Jessica searched and finally found five darling baby kittens. They are now in the house in a box on my bed.

What a Day!

Ever had one of those days where you probably should have stayed in bed? Well, mine might not have been quite that bad, but I feel like I've been running around in circles. I got up early to go down and help Mom. We had several things to do. We got one done, and she decided she was too tired to do more. So I headed to town to do her shopping. Now today this involved going to three stores. I had to go to the bank and cash a check too.

As I left Mom's my car was making a weird noise. So I took it to my mechanics so he would hear it. But by the time I got there, it had stopped. I described it, and he looked at my belt. Sure enough, the belt is going out. He said he should be ok for a while longer plus he's going out of town. So I'll get that done next week.

Then on to the bank and a ten minute wait until it opened. I talked to Amy, and she wanted to go to Walmart with me so I could help with the boys. We took a little longer than we should have, but it was fun. Then on to Blockbuster so she could trade movies and Jubilee to shop. Then she headed home. I went onto Smiths. I got the shopping done and as I was walking out, she was walking in. She had to run home to get a couple of things plus my money and shirt I'd left at her house. I went back in and got the 7-Up I'd forgot. Finally got everything done and headed to Mom's.

By then she had about given up on me. I unloaded everything. She told me that earlier that morning she and Aunt Avis had found a cow in their yard. She was worried about it eating the garden. But then it left. I had ice cream, so I headed home.

On the way Joe called. It seems I had missed excitement at home. My cat had her kittens. I hadn't let her spend the night inside, so we don't know where they are. Then the cow, Susie, had her calf. But that wasn't even the most exciting thing. When Joe went to check the calf, the mama head butted him in the chest. So he and Jess had spent the morning in the ER.

Mike came over to visit, and Mom called. The cow was back. She was upset, so I told her I'd come down and take care of it. Mike went with me in case we had to chase the cow away. I called Animal Control who was there by the time I drove up. The man was trying to read the brand with binoculars. He found out the registered owner of that brand, but he wasn't home. So he finally went to get his trailer. They came back and loaded the cow. I realized I wanted pictures, but I almost missed the whole thing. By the time I ran to the house to get my camera, he was almost to the track. But here are the pictures of the poor scared cow.









Now I'm watching a movie and hoping for an uneventful evening. Wish me luck.

Old Pics

We are having a family reunion this summer. Spencer wants to help me make a picture DVD showing our family over the years. So to get ready for this, I've been going through all the thousands of pictures on my laptop. I found the best program to do this. It's the free download of picasa. I probably won't ever put my pictures in the online album, but to organize and tag photos on my computer, it's awesome. It's the best and easier program I've ever used. So if you've got tons of photos you want to organize, try it out. Here are a few that I've found that I didn't know I had or couldn't find.

Beautiful Sunset

Since I moved up to Dry Fork I always have my camera with me. I never know when I'm going to see the perfect picture. Last night I was heading home from town. The road travels west in Maeser, and I looked ahead to see the most gorgeous sunset. I love it when there is a place I can pull over and snap pictures. Hope you enjoy them.




Since I moved up to Dry Fork I always have my camera with me. I never know when I'm going to see the perfect picture. Last night I was heading home from town. The road travels west in Maeser, and I looked ahead to see the most gorgeous sunset. I love it when there is a place I can pull over and snap pictures. Hope you enjoy them.

More Pics

Since moving to Dry Fork I have started keeping my camera with me all the time. Yesterday morning when I got up it was so pretty up here. Blue skies, sun shining on the mountains. Then we left to head to school and work. I could see in head of us the almost black skies towards town. I turned to look back towards our place and this was the view. Absolutely incredible. Luckily I was at a straight stretch of the road so I could stop and snap a few shots.

Still a Beautiful Day

Yesterday when I woke up it was sunny and beautiful and bright here in Dry Fork. About halfway down the canyon we ran into the fog. I was driving, so I couldn't take pictures. But when I got up this morning the fog was here. I wanted to share.

Camera Walk

My new place has a beautiful place to walk. If I leave the house and walk to the bus stop, it is just about exactely a mile. I walked this on Thursday and did a total of 1 1/2 miles. It has some slight hills in it which makes for a good workout. But Saturday Taylor and I decided to go for a walk with our cameras and take some pictures. Here are a few. I took over 50, so it would be impossible to post all of them. But here are a few of my favorites.

My walking partner, Taylor. She made it so much fun.


Looks long, doesn't it?


Can you tell which side of this mountain is the south side with all the sun?


Pretty level here.


Our view down the road. Storm and Tiny stayed ahead of us. Tiny (the St. Bernard) did give up about halfway there and came home.


We had decided to talk to the bus stop at the stop sign. You can see the main road here. But we ended up wanting a few more pictures so kept walking. I'll post more later.

The Monster Puzzle

Mom and Aunt Avis got a jigsaw puzzle from someone in their Relief Society Presidency. It is a very beautiful puzzle. At least it is while it is still in the box. When they got it opened to start working it, they discovered it is a horrible, evil, monster puzzle.



As you can see from the picture, the pieces are all almost identical. Plus it is 1000 piece puzzle. They got this before Christmas. Every time I would stop at their house, Mom would tell me to put a few pieces in. I don't like jigsaw puzzles because it involves sitting still, and I'm easily bored. If it is an easy one, I am ok. I actually sit there long enough one day to put 20 pieces in. Now this may not sound like a lot, but it took me over an hour to do this. You would put a piece in and discover it didn't quite fit. When we got down to the last five pieces, none of them fit. So we had to find a few pieces that had looked right and take them out. Sounds complicated and it was.

Mom found a few of her puzzles she wants to do when this one was done. Then Dan gave her a really fun one, so that gave them the incentive to finish the monster puzzle. If it was me, I would have given up and put it in the box. But not Mom and Aunt Avis. They were determined to finish it. So here is the picture of the puzzle finished.



Notice the smiles because it is finally finished?

Big Move

Today is my moving day. Well, the beginning of my moving day. At least the big stuff will be moved and most of the boxes. I still have a few things I have to get finished, but I have tomorrow to do that. Where am I moving, you ask? Drum roll, please! I'm moving to a log cabin in Dry Fork. Yes, you heard me right! I'm moving to the place I've always wanted to live. And somehow I know my Dad is smiling over this.

I haven't posted about this before although I knew it was coming. There are some things I won't post about including the whole story about why I'm moving. I will say that I do hate leaving Spencer, Amy and the boys. But I will still see them often. And I know the boys will love coming up to see me and the animals and be able to just run around the hills. When I first realized I really was going to move, I obsessed over where I was going to go. But then this chance opened up, and I jumped on it. I'm temporarily renting a room from Joe and Jessica, two of my best friends in the world. These two are the most unselfish people in the world. And I do believe they are truly inspired in some of their choices. I have plans to soon get my own place. But that isn't working out just yet, so this was the best choice.

I spent a lot of my Christmas break up there with them. We were able to see if this would work and if we actually could all live together. I looked through her blog because I just knew she had some pictures of her place. But I can't find them. I am making sure my camera is where I can find it. So I will be posting some pictures soon. Well, as soon as I get a few things unpacked like clothes and shoes. LOL

Gotta Love It

You gotta love new shoes. Especially when they are a Christmas present. I walked in on Spencer wrapping presents a week or so before Christmas. He was wrapping a box and already had the paper around it. He said 'hey, this is your present from Chris.' Of course, he wouldn't let me come over and feel it or shake it. It was a good sized box. I figured it wasn't jewelry. I couldn't wait until Christmas morning to open it. What could it be?

Christmas morning after the kids did most of their presents, Spencer handed me the box. I hurried to rip the paper off. And inside that box was a beautiful white and blue pair of running shoes. Wow! He couldn't have picked me a better present. My shoes I bought last spring are so worn out. The outsides look good, but I'm learning that doesn't mean much. I did buy a pair of insoles to put in them that helped. But they just didn't feel the same when I walk or run.

Spencer told me that Chris had asked about my size and said I might need to exchange them if they weren't wide enough. So I got a pair of socks and put them on. They are snug on my feet, but not uncomfortable. I walked around in them for a couple of hours. And it felt so good to have them on. I guess when you lose weight, your feet do too. They feel so good on the treadmill. I can't wait until the weather gets better so I can get back outside. I still don't like the treadmill. It's not the same as being outdoors in the fresh air. But I just don't want to walk outside in 11 degree temperature. Guess that means I'm not quite a dedicated runner yet. But I"m working on it.

And, yes, I posted this on both my blogs. I'm proud of my shoes, and I'm very glad Chris sent them to me. Who would have thought that Chris and I would share running stories!

Sledding

I remember once going sledding with some kids from church. But I know I just watched and didn't ever go down the hill. I was always afraid to try new things. But better late then never, right? We took the boys sledding a week ago andf I watched. It wasn't a big hill to most people, but was huge to me. This time we went to a tiny little hill. I figured it was a good place to start. And I love it. I think I'm turning into an adrenalin junkie. Thought I'd share some pics.

Going up the hill.

Do I really want to do this?

Coming down the hill! Notice the smile.

Amy and Wyatt's turn

Spencer and Jayden watching us.



It was a fun day and I can't wait to go again.

Running High

I now understand why people run. I have started putting short 60 second intervals of running into my treadmill workout. I wear my heart rate monitor when I am working out. Wow, it gets my heart rate up to 170 bpm or higher. And I can only run for 60 seconds. I have been doing at least four of those intervals. Today I did five. So in a 40 minutes walk, I ran five minutes of it! That may not seem like at lot to some of you. But for me it is a major victory. I try to keep my walk at 3 mph and the run at 5 mph. At the end of the minute run, I feel like I'm going to die. But after slowing down for about 4 minutes, I'm ready to do it again. I'd only been walking about 20-25 minutes, but today I wanted to push it. I did a total of 40 minutes and a total of 2.2 miles. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. But mentally I'm on such a high. A year ago I couldn't do more than two minutes on the stationary bike with leg cramps. Today I'm running! I've dropped 70 lbs.

There was a time when I couldn't walk from the parking lot into Walmart without being out of breath. Today I don't drive around looking for a close parking spot. I just take the first spot in aisle 7. If it's at the far end, that's ok. By parking in the same aisle, I can find my car. LOL And at my age, that's important. I never thought in my lifetime I'd weight below 200 lbs. I honestly can't remembver when I last weight that. I'm sure it was at least 30 years ago. And today I'm under 200. That was my original goal. But now it's changed. I am going to lose another 50 lbs. There is no time limit on it although I would prefer to weigh that in a year from now. But it actually seems possible.

Old Age

For all of you who are worried that you are getting old, here is what you have to look forward to!



I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

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I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!


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