One year ago today I received a phone call that broke what was left of my heart. A nurse from Utah was called to tell me my 8 year old granddaughter was being flight for lifed to a hospital in SLC, Ut. When I asked her where my son and wife were, she said "I'm sorry to have to tell you, there were no other survivors." No mother should hear those words!
After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'
I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.
But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Broken Hearted Me
I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it struck a chore in me. I'm putting the lyrics and the words on this. I put on such a face for the world. But this is how I feel inside.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I
Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.
Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I
Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.
Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Alone again
Happy Anniversary, Howard. Today would have been 31 years together married. Wow, I can't believe that. It doesn't seem that long ago since we eloped. I would love to sit home and look at our wedding pictures, but I don't have a clue where they are. I do have one on the computer, so I'll open it and remember how handsome you were. I fell in love with you that very first day I met you. You had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. We had a roller coaster marriage, but I only remember the good times now. Guess that is one of the advantages of you being gone. It makes my memories only seen through rose colored glasses.
I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.
Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.
Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............
I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.
Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.
Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............
Perfection
Did you know that the traitto be a perfection is not a good one? Did you know that being a power-hungry control freak is bad? Well, if you did, good for you. But I'm learning how bad those traits are in my life, and how much I screw things up being this way.
Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.
I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.
Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'
I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.
Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.
I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.
Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'
I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Remembering
How can you put into words just how much someone means to you? Especially when that person grew for nine months inside your belly? There is nothing in the world I have experienced that cuts as deep as losing your child, your flesh and blood, someone you and the husband you love created together. People say that it is not natural to bury your child. Most of us expect that we will probably bury our parents, and perhaps even a spouse. But the natural order of things is that our children will grow up, have families and someday bury us.
In just over two weeks from now two families will be celebrating an anniversary. Those of us familiar with grief try to soften it by calling it the anniversary of their birth into heaven. And maybe that does give some comfort. And maybe down the road it will give me more. But right now I just feel like I'm going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. I don't know how to make it through this. I know that somehow I will, I've done something simliar before. But for about 19 days I'm just going to remember to breathe in and breathe out and that is about all I plan on doing.
I love you, Nick, Ru and Audrey. And I will miss you forever!
In just over two weeks from now two families will be celebrating an anniversary. Those of us familiar with grief try to soften it by calling it the anniversary of their birth into heaven. And maybe that does give some comfort. And maybe down the road it will give me more. But right now I just feel like I'm going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. I don't know how to make it through this. I know that somehow I will, I've done something simliar before. But for about 19 days I'm just going to remember to breathe in and breathe out and that is about all I plan on doing.
I love you, Nick, Ru and Audrey. And I will miss you forever!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
What Susan Means
What Susan Means |
 You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. |
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Please Remember
I sent this song to a very sweet man in my life last night. I have had a very hard decision to make lately, and this was the end result. And so again tonight I sit at the computer, playing this song over and over while tears run down my cheeks.
"Please Remember"
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me
Please remember, Please remember
"Please Remember"
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me
Please remember, Please remember
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Being Alone
I am sitting here at my computer listening to all the sad songs I can find and crying my eyes out. And believe it or not, I actually had an epiphany about myself and my life. I have thought a little lately that I might need to get a little professional help dealing with the grief. I know that I am not easy to get along with lately, and I'm suffering from some major depression. I know that my clinging is driving my best friend nuts because I want him with me more than he can be. I hate it when he goes home and leaves me. But tonight I was on the phone with my Mom when he got a call from work about an emergency and had to leave. So that made it easier. I had hoped he would come back over, but he's tired and has a headache. And we did have a nice time together this weekend which I am soooo not going to ruin. So back to the epiphany.
I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.
My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.
I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.
My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Happy New Year!
I wish I could say I'm glad to see the end of 2007. It has been a horrendous year. But I have learned in my life that when I say I hope next year is better, unfortunately it can always be worse. But let's recap and see how 2007 shaped up.
I would have to start with New Year's Eve last year. The day before that, my oldest daughter found out that her soon to be ex husband had cheated her out of custody of her two daughters. So we all decided to try to have a good evening despite our broken hearts. At the time we thought we could fight him. But without a tremendous amount of money, we couldn't hire an attorney to do that. So my two daughters, their men, some friends and my date went out to celebrate. I have to admit that night was quite a bit of fun. Not something I want to repeat this year, but fun. Wow, maybe I'm getting old, cuz I'd rather go to bed and sleep the new year in.
Possibly the high point of the year was my flight to see Chris and his family. I hadn't flown since he was six months old, so that was exciting. But even more so was to be with him and his family in Alabama. My oldest granddaughter had a special birthday while I was there. And they took me to the beach in Florida. Chris couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean. I guess he takes for granted all the traveling he has done in the military. Wow, the ocean is awesome. I want to be a beach bum when I grow up! I even brought some sand back with me.
And then we get to the low point. In August my middle son and family were in a terrible accident. The truck he was driving blew a driver, went across the median, rolled and was hit be a semi truck. Nick, his wife and their two year old daughter were killed instantly. By some miracle the 7 year old was saved. Although she spent a few days in the hospital and several more with a neck brace, she was able to attend their funeral. How something so devastatingly tragic and sad could in turn be so spiritual was very surprising. The whole family showed up at the hospital with different ideas on where she should live. Now we're talking two sets of grandparents and altogether 15 siblings. Within 24 hours most of us knew where she was to live. Although nerves were frayed and tempers were strained, most decisions were easily made. We were able to have her come and spend a weekend with us this fall. She is the spitting image of her Daddy which is both hard and a blessing.
I have been blessed with my job this year. They were so good in giving me time off for the funeral and the time I spent in the hospital with my granddaughter. And they were good at both listening to me talk and knowing when to be quiet when I got back to work. And let's not forget being able to ignore my tears and red eyes on occasion. I got my yearly evaluation in November along with some wonderful compliments and a hefty raise. There are indeed days that getting up and going to work saves my sanity.
So I end 2007 in some ways the same way I started it. I still have five children and thirteen grandchildren. I just say that some of them live in heaven. I have made some wonderful new friends, kept some special old ones. I am still single and probably always will be. But I'm more ok with that then I was a year ago. I am able to look back and see the changes and the growth I've made, not just in the last year but in the last several years.
So despite all the ups and downs, I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, to 2008, a new year full of possibilities and challenges, full of both joy and sorrow. Part of me is an optimist and hopes that somehow I survive to new years eve a year from now still looking forward to another year, able to see both the good times and rejoice, and the bad times and see the growth I have made. Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I would have to start with New Year's Eve last year. The day before that, my oldest daughter found out that her soon to be ex husband had cheated her out of custody of her two daughters. So we all decided to try to have a good evening despite our broken hearts. At the time we thought we could fight him. But without a tremendous amount of money, we couldn't hire an attorney to do that. So my two daughters, their men, some friends and my date went out to celebrate. I have to admit that night was quite a bit of fun. Not something I want to repeat this year, but fun. Wow, maybe I'm getting old, cuz I'd rather go to bed and sleep the new year in.
Possibly the high point of the year was my flight to see Chris and his family. I hadn't flown since he was six months old, so that was exciting. But even more so was to be with him and his family in Alabama. My oldest granddaughter had a special birthday while I was there. And they took me to the beach in Florida. Chris couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean. I guess he takes for granted all the traveling he has done in the military. Wow, the ocean is awesome. I want to be a beach bum when I grow up! I even brought some sand back with me.
And then we get to the low point. In August my middle son and family were in a terrible accident. The truck he was driving blew a driver, went across the median, rolled and was hit be a semi truck. Nick, his wife and their two year old daughter were killed instantly. By some miracle the 7 year old was saved. Although she spent a few days in the hospital and several more with a neck brace, she was able to attend their funeral. How something so devastatingly tragic and sad could in turn be so spiritual was very surprising. The whole family showed up at the hospital with different ideas on where she should live. Now we're talking two sets of grandparents and altogether 15 siblings. Within 24 hours most of us knew where she was to live. Although nerves were frayed and tempers were strained, most decisions were easily made. We were able to have her come and spend a weekend with us this fall. She is the spitting image of her Daddy which is both hard and a blessing.
I have been blessed with my job this year. They were so good in giving me time off for the funeral and the time I spent in the hospital with my granddaughter. And they were good at both listening to me talk and knowing when to be quiet when I got back to work. And let's not forget being able to ignore my tears and red eyes on occasion. I got my yearly evaluation in November along with some wonderful compliments and a hefty raise. There are indeed days that getting up and going to work saves my sanity.
So I end 2007 in some ways the same way I started it. I still have five children and thirteen grandchildren. I just say that some of them live in heaven. I have made some wonderful new friends, kept some special old ones. I am still single and probably always will be. But I'm more ok with that then I was a year ago. I am able to look back and see the changes and the growth I've made, not just in the last year but in the last several years.
So despite all the ups and downs, I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, to 2008, a new year full of possibilities and challenges, full of both joy and sorrow. Part of me is an optimist and hopes that somehow I survive to new years eve a year from now still looking forward to another year, able to see both the good times and rejoice, and the bad times and see the growth I have made. Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I wish you.....
I just received this email, and it goes along with my post from yesterday, so I'm gonna share it.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Letting Go
This was written at work a few weeks ago, but somehow I feel the need to post it today.
What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.
I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.
But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.
Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.
And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.
So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?
What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.
I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.
But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.
Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.
And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.
So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
5 Things to be Happy About Right Now
I was reading a magazine article this week that sure made me think. So I grabbed a notebook and starting putting some thoughts to paper. I think part of the secrets to a happy life is to learn to live in the moment. My Mom and oldest sister always talk about how bad things are in the world. Yes, that is true. You can't turn on the news without some tragedy. But I'm afraid if I only dwell on the bad, I will crawl in bed and never get up again. Now without going in much detail, let's just say that I've had more than one tragedy in my life. I buried the father of my children in 1992. After he died I seemed to have this almost obsessive need to talk about every last detail. I cried constantly and felt bad if I couldn't cry. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about. When Jim (next husband) died in 2001, I talked about it a little bit but not as much. There seemed to be a few people that I wanted to talk with. At that point my 7-11 job was my salvation. I remember thinking that most of my customers had no clue who I was or that I had been widowed for the second time just six weeks before the job started. So I could go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was just fine. It was a performance deserving of an Oscar.
Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.
About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.
My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.
The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.
Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!
Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.
About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.
My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.
The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.
Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Take This Job and Love It!
I decided today it was time to talk about my job. I have been so blessed in the jobs I have held. They have all seemed to suit me at the time. But I have to admit this is quite possibly my favorite job. My mom told me for years that I need to get an office job where I can my skills. The day I interviewed for this job, I knew I wanted it. The two bosses who did the interviewing were fun and friend. I figured it would be a good place to work. And I was right.
Let me tell you what my typical day is like. I work for an oilfield supply company. That means anything an oilrig wants, we try to get for them. Anything from pump parts to tools to office supplies to housewares is ordered. Although I have a basic routine of what needs to get done, each time the phone rings it can be a different opportunity. My official title is Administrative Clerk! Wow, a job title and it sounds so much more impressive than cashier. This means that I handle a lot of secretarial-office duties and whatever else needs to be done. I get paid to shop at Walmart a couple times a week. I have been there a little over a year, and it amazes me how much I have learned in that year. And the best part is, I have a couple of bosses that appreciate what I do. I had my yearly evaluation last week, and they were both so complimentary to me. And the icing on the cake is: (drum roll please) I got a raise of $1 an hour. That means that on my year anniversary of being on their payroll, I will be making $10 an hour. I worked the first four months for a temporary service.
Let me tell you what my typical day is like. I work for an oilfield supply company. That means anything an oilrig wants, we try to get for them. Anything from pump parts to tools to office supplies to housewares is ordered. Although I have a basic routine of what needs to get done, each time the phone rings it can be a different opportunity. My official title is Administrative Clerk! Wow, a job title and it sounds so much more impressive than cashier. This means that I handle a lot of secretarial-office duties and whatever else needs to be done. I get paid to shop at Walmart a couple times a week. I have been there a little over a year, and it amazes me how much I have learned in that year. And the best part is, I have a couple of bosses that appreciate what I do. I had my yearly evaluation last week, and they were both so complimentary to me. And the icing on the cake is: (drum roll please) I got a raise of $1 an hour. That means that on my year anniversary of being on their payroll, I will be making $10 an hour. I worked the first four months for a temporary service.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
This Roller Coaster Life
I don't write this blog for anybody to read. Don't even think it's public, and I know the two I've told about it don't read it anymore. So it's just for me, just for me to ramble, think and vent. Hopefully in the process I'll figure out a few things about myself and what goes on in my head.
Ok, world, I'm bipolar! For those who don't know what that is, it's like being on a roller coaster every day, every single damn day, every single minute of every day. I never know when I wake up in the morning what my day is going to be like. I might wake up feeling on top of the world, but by the time hair and make up are done and I'm out the door for work, I'm hittin rock bottom. Or vice versa.
This was actually a very good week for me. I really wish my life was more just middle-of-the road mellow instead of the ups and downs. Because after a good week, the down is soooo low it's below ground. Ok, now I know I had this really good blog in my head before I started typing. Oh, well, can always come back and edit later.
Ok, world, I'm bipolar! For those who don't know what that is, it's like being on a roller coaster every day, every single damn day, every single minute of every day. I never know when I wake up in the morning what my day is going to be like. I might wake up feeling on top of the world, but by the time hair and make up are done and I'm out the door for work, I'm hittin rock bottom. Or vice versa.
This was actually a very good week for me. I really wish my life was more just middle-of-the road mellow instead of the ups and downs. Because after a good week, the down is soooo low it's below ground. Ok, now I know I had this really good blog in my head before I started typing. Oh, well, can always come back and edit later.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Happy Anniversary Darling
Yesterday would have been my 30th wedding anniversary if Howard was still alive. As I was drifting off to sleep with tears on my pillow the beginning of this poem came into my head. It was a hard one to write. I still miss him every day, some days more than others.
Thirty years ago we said "I do"
And you’ve been gone from me fifteen
There was twenty-one years before we met
We only had fifteen years in between
I so remember the day we met
And the deep blue of your eyes
I thought we’d have forever
There would never be goodbyes
From that first day we seemed to click
As if you could read my mind
I fell in love so fast and quick
You were so sweet, so good, so kind
Just as fast you felt that way too
In two short days you looked at me
Said you wanted the three of us
To become your family
We quickly planned the wedding
In four months was when we set the date
But we found it did not work for us
We just couldn’t seem to wait
So we got into the car that day
On a sunny August 5th
An hour ride that seemed so long
The “I do’s” were said so swift
So we made ourselves a family
Through all the ups and downs
There was even lots of packing
For the moves through all the towns
That awful day in October
When the call came on the phone
Little did I really understand
You had left me all alone
And do the very best I can
With only the sweetest memories
Of a very special man
So, Howard, I need to tell you
Happy Anniversary, my sweet dear
Although I’m celebrating all alone
I can somehow feel you here
How Far I've Come pt 2
When I left this story I had just left work in tears. I keep my cell phone turned off at work or sometimes set it on vibrate. I had some mail to drop off at the post office, so I went and did that. I thought about going back to work to finish my report. I couldn't remember if I had hit save when I shut the computer down. If I didn't, I just lost four hours of work. But the tears were still so close, and I hate crying in front of anybody. So I just decided to go home. As I got here, I picked up my cell and realized I had missed calls and a voice mail. The missed call was from work, so I listened to the voice mail. It was K telling me she was so sorry for what had happened and was I all right. She was worried about me. Then she went on to tell me how much she appreciates what I do and how important I am to the office and she doesn't tell me often enough. I realized then that she was afraid I wasn't coming back. I got my composure and called her back. I really like working for K. The minute I heard her voice the tears returned. I assured her I was ok and would be to work the next morning. She told me that S was sorry and hadn't meant to upset me. I told her I would be there for the 7 am meeting to print out the reports. She said if I wanted to sleep in and come at 8, she and R would do it. I told her I would see how I felt when I woke up, but I would be to work The rest of the evening I kept my ringer on the phone phone off, and about 9 pm checked it and had tons of missed calls from a local number I didn't recognize and a voice mail. The voice mail was from S apologizing for upsetting me and telling me how sorry he was. I was very surprised and glad he had done that.
I did a lot of thinking all night about going to work the nxt morning. I finally got up and got there just before 7 am. The only person there was J who is on call. He immediately got up and asked if I was ok and what had happened the night before. He said he and K had both yelled at S for it. I told him that S had gotten very verbally abusive on the phone, and that because of my past I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up a little, but was able to control it. I told him a little about Mike and the abusive marriage. Then S walked in and headed toward the back of the warehouse. I called him and he turned around. I could tell by his face he was worried about what I was going to say. I told him that I appreciated his apology and as far as I was concerned it was over. He said he was so sorry and had not meant to upset me. I told him I had been in a couple of abusive relationships, and he said that thought had occured to him when he realized how upset I had been. We were able to talk and let it end.
This incident made me realize just how far I have come in my life. A few years ago I would have quit my job over something like this. But I do love my job, not only what I do but the people I work with. I wasn't going t let one little incident ruin that for me. Right now there is so much going on in my personal life and the lives of my kids. My one sanctuary is my job. I wake up on Monday morning glad to do to work. As the old commercial said "you've come a long way, baby."
I did a lot of thinking all night about going to work the nxt morning. I finally got up and got there just before 7 am. The only person there was J who is on call. He immediately got up and asked if I was ok and what had happened the night before. He said he and K had both yelled at S for it. I told him that S had gotten very verbally abusive on the phone, and that because of my past I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up a little, but was able to control it. I told him a little about Mike and the abusive marriage. Then S walked in and headed toward the back of the warehouse. I called him and he turned around. I could tell by his face he was worried about what I was going to say. I told him that I appreciated his apology and as far as I was concerned it was over. He said he was so sorry and had not meant to upset me. I told him I had been in a couple of abusive relationships, and he said that thought had occured to him when he realized how upset I had been. We were able to talk and let it end.
This incident made me realize just how far I have come in my life. A few years ago I would have quit my job over something like this. But I do love my job, not only what I do but the people I work with. I wasn't going t let one little incident ruin that for me. Right now there is so much going on in my personal life and the lives of my kids. My one sanctuary is my job. I wake up on Monday morning glad to do to work. As the old commercial said "you've come a long way, baby."
Saturday, August 04, 2007
How Far I've Come
I had an incident happen in work this week that ended with me walking out of work early in tears. That part of it I'm gonna chalk up to menopause. Which, in itself, is a whole nother blog. I'm a lot moodier and teary-eyed lately. And it seems sometimes there is no logic to what sets me off. But this one took me totally by surprise.
I don't want to make this a long, boring blog. But I think I'm the only one who reads it, so I guess that's ok. Background is that I work for an oilfield supply company. We buy anything an oil rig wants and our seven drivers deliver it. So on Tuesday part of my job was to find two upright water coolers that do both hot and cold. And then I had a specific brand of printer to get. It took several phones calls, but I located both of them in Rock Springs. S, our shop hand, was coming home from Rifle, Colorado. Tthe best solution was to have him stop in Rock Springs and get them. He had been told he would need to go to Walmart. So when he called I told him Walmart was out and he needed to stop at Home Depot. Poor S had been on the road since 6 am, and this was now about 4 pm. He was quite irritated, and told me he could call me back when he could pull over and write. He said he had no clue where Home Depot was located. J, another driver, said S did know, but he would give him directions when he called back.
By the time S called back he'd worked up a pretty good temper. Now let me say that S is very soft spoken and quite most of the time. In fact, S barely talks. I was trying to explain that he needed to write down the Home Depot charge account number. When I gave it to him, I realized the first part had four numbers, not the five I had given him. So I corrected that. Then I told him he also needed to go to Staples and get a printer which was close to Home Depot. And that J would give him the directions. Well, by this time S was even more upset, and he just went off on me. He started cussing about how *^&%ing stupid this was and how he's been on the road since 6 am and now he was expected to stop at two stores. I just lost it. I told him that if he had a problem with it, he could talk to K and put him on hold. I told K to talk to him.
Then the tears started. When I get mad I cry. I hate doing that, but been doing it my whole life and probably not gonna change now. Plus S has always been a real sweety to me and we've gotten along real well. So to have him yell at me like that was a slap in the face. I turned off my computer, grabbed my purse and walked into K's office. I told her that I refused to be talked to that way and was going home. As I walked to the front office R and J were there. R said something about it, and I said I'm going home. I knew R saw the tears which was even more embarassing for me.
This is getting pretty long, so I think there is going to have to be a part 2. Stay tuned.
I don't want to make this a long, boring blog. But I think I'm the only one who reads it, so I guess that's ok. Background is that I work for an oilfield supply company. We buy anything an oil rig wants and our seven drivers deliver it. So on Tuesday part of my job was to find two upright water coolers that do both hot and cold. And then I had a specific brand of printer to get. It took several phones calls, but I located both of them in Rock Springs. S, our shop hand, was coming home from Rifle, Colorado. Tthe best solution was to have him stop in Rock Springs and get them. He had been told he would need to go to Walmart. So when he called I told him Walmart was out and he needed to stop at Home Depot. Poor S had been on the road since 6 am, and this was now about 4 pm. He was quite irritated, and told me he could call me back when he could pull over and write. He said he had no clue where Home Depot was located. J, another driver, said S did know, but he would give him directions when he called back.
By the time S called back he'd worked up a pretty good temper. Now let me say that S is very soft spoken and quite most of the time. In fact, S barely talks. I was trying to explain that he needed to write down the Home Depot charge account number. When I gave it to him, I realized the first part had four numbers, not the five I had given him. So I corrected that. Then I told him he also needed to go to Staples and get a printer which was close to Home Depot. And that J would give him the directions. Well, by this time S was even more upset, and he just went off on me. He started cussing about how *^&%ing stupid this was and how he's been on the road since 6 am and now he was expected to stop at two stores. I just lost it. I told him that if he had a problem with it, he could talk to K and put him on hold. I told K to talk to him.
Then the tears started. When I get mad I cry. I hate doing that, but been doing it my whole life and probably not gonna change now. Plus S has always been a real sweety to me and we've gotten along real well. So to have him yell at me like that was a slap in the face. I turned off my computer, grabbed my purse and walked into K's office. I told her that I refused to be talked to that way and was going home. As I walked to the front office R and J were there. R said something about it, and I said I'm going home. I knew R saw the tears which was even more embarassing for me.
This is getting pretty long, so I think there is going to have to be a part 2. Stay tuned.
Monday, July 30, 2007
What I have!
Ok, I'd like to suggest that before you read this you read What I Deserve on Rod's blog. Quite a few of his posts make me think. But then I close the page, turn off the computer and don't get my thoughts written down. Well, this one gave me plenty to think about. So I'm going to steal a quote from his blog: "That’s why I don’t spend much time feeling shortchanged by life. I have more than my fair share. So do you." I had an experience years ago that made me realize my fair share and how blessed I am. Now do I tell the story and give the background or vice versa?
In 2001 I became a widow for the second time. I had previously lost the father of my children in 1992. When I finally got up the nerve to fall in love and remarry, we had five beautiful years together. About six weeks after the second husband died, I was working in a 7-11 in Vernal. An old family friend came in. Now I have to admit I liked working this job. I love working with customers, and I've always had an interest in acting. I found that I could go to work and pretend my life was fine, that my world was not falling apart. Most of my customers had no clue that my world had been turned upside down. But then there was this one particular day......
This woman walked up to me and said 'Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry about Jim. You've had such a horrible life.' She might as well slapped me across the face I was so shocked. And I don't have a poker face, so I'm sure my mouth fell open. I don't even remember what I said to her. But when she left I started doing some thinking. Because at that point and since I have never thought I had a bad, horrible life. I've had some bad moments. I'm not sure anything compares to burying a spouse, the man of your dreams that you planned on growing old with. And to do it twice defies explanation. Only someone who has walked in my shoes truly understands.
But I remember thinking I have been blessed with five beautiful children. They are all doing reasonably well at this point. They are happy and healthy. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents and be able to see them every day. And the joy of my life had to be my six grandchildren that I had at the time. They are all healthy and normal and beautiful.
Today I am living in Wyoming. I am happier than I have been in five years or perhaps longer than that. I am living with my youngest daughter. We get along pretty well most of the time, and she allows me to be free to do what I want. Eventually I'm going to get my own place, but I'm content to wait for the time to be right. I still have those five wonderful children. Their lives have had ups and downs, but they are strong, tough people. I am proud of them. And today I have thirteen grandchildren. I have a job that makes me excited to get up for each morning. I have a good family, good friends and a good life! I have more than my fair share indeed.
In 2001 I became a widow for the second time. I had previously lost the father of my children in 1992. When I finally got up the nerve to fall in love and remarry, we had five beautiful years together. About six weeks after the second husband died, I was working in a 7-11 in Vernal. An old family friend came in. Now I have to admit I liked working this job. I love working with customers, and I've always had an interest in acting. I found that I could go to work and pretend my life was fine, that my world was not falling apart. Most of my customers had no clue that my world had been turned upside down. But then there was this one particular day......
This woman walked up to me and said 'Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry about Jim. You've had such a horrible life.' She might as well slapped me across the face I was so shocked. And I don't have a poker face, so I'm sure my mouth fell open. I don't even remember what I said to her. But when she left I started doing some thinking. Because at that point and since I have never thought I had a bad, horrible life. I've had some bad moments. I'm not sure anything compares to burying a spouse, the man of your dreams that you planned on growing old with. And to do it twice defies explanation. Only someone who has walked in my shoes truly understands.
But I remember thinking I have been blessed with five beautiful children. They are all doing reasonably well at this point. They are happy and healthy. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents and be able to see them every day. And the joy of my life had to be my six grandchildren that I had at the time. They are all healthy and normal and beautiful.
Today I am living in Wyoming. I am happier than I have been in five years or perhaps longer than that. I am living with my youngest daughter. We get along pretty well most of the time, and she allows me to be free to do what I want. Eventually I'm going to get my own place, but I'm content to wait for the time to be right. I still have those five wonderful children. Their lives have had ups and downs, but they are strong, tough people. I am proud of them. And today I have thirteen grandchildren. I have a job that makes me excited to get up for each morning. I have a good family, good friends and a good life! I have more than my fair share indeed.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
One More Day
One more day until the big 5-0. Wow, it's so close. And, although it's bugged me for the last year, today I'm not upset about it. I've come far in the last year, and I'm looking forward to the future with hope and excitement. Here is a little something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.
I face the world alone today
The future's so bright and blue
I have so much ahead of me
And my dreams all start anew.
I don't know what tomorrow brings
But I'll face with head held high
I can now look back upon the past
And smile and say goodbye
The future is a bright blank page
Waiting for me to start to write
And it seems to me it's been so long
Since my future seemed so bright.
I face the world alone today
The future's so bright and blue
I have so much ahead of me
And my dreams all start anew.
I don't know what tomorrow brings
But I'll face with head held high
I can now look back upon the past
And smile and say goodbye
The future is a bright blank page
Waiting for me to start to write
And it seems to me it's been so long
Since my future seemed so bright.
Tomorrow!!!!
Well, tomorrow is the big day! I will be half a century old tomorrow morning. Ok, I think I'll just stick with turning 50. The other sounds way too old. And since I'm starting a whole new life this week, I'm not feeling old. I'm feeling excited and looking forward to my life.
I have been taking a bunch of online computer classes. I wanted to design a web page about my family. However, due to free agency, my kids would prefer me not to put info about my grandkids on it. Ok, I respect that. So what do I post? One idea I was given was to put some of my poetry on here. I've never shared it much, but maybe it's time. So here is what I wrote last week when I was thinking about my life starting over.
I faced the world alone today.
The future's so bright and blue.
I have so much ahead of me.
And my dreams all start anew.
I don't know what tomorrow brings.
But I'll face with head held high.
I can now look back upon the past.
And smile and say goodbye.
The future is a bright blank page.
Waiting for me to start to write.
And it seems to me it's been so long.
Since my future seemed so bright.
I have been taking a bunch of online computer classes. I wanted to design a web page about my family. However, due to free agency, my kids would prefer me not to put info about my grandkids on it. Ok, I respect that. So what do I post? One idea I was given was to put some of my poetry on here. I've never shared it much, but maybe it's time. So here is what I wrote last week when I was thinking about my life starting over.
I faced the world alone today.
The future's so bright and blue.
I have so much ahead of me.
And my dreams all start anew.
I don't know what tomorrow brings.
But I'll face with head held high.
I can now look back upon the past.
And smile and say goodbye.
The future is a bright blank page.
Waiting for me to start to write.
And it seems to me it's been so long.
Since my future seemed so bright.
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