How appropriate some emails are in their timing. I was talking to Angie last night about her brother. His birthday is tomorrow, and Nick would have turned 30. I know she and Lala have a hard time talking about him. Heck, we all do. But sometimes I do need to talk even when it brings on the tears. I thought this was a good time to post this. Although this was written about losing a spouse, except for a few exceptions, it works for burying a son too.
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME
"Please talk about him, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that he is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good.
Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on. I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving, and that's different. My grieving may only begin 2 months after his death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had , the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I am in shock. I am afraid. I feel deep rage. I feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be."
I do want to add that there are many kinds of loss and many ways to grieve. But I have truly learned that unless you have went through it, you can't truly understand. I didn't understand how my kids grieved over losing their Dad until my Daddy died four years ago. I've never had a brother let alone lost one, so I can't totally understand what my kids are going through. All I do know is that loss is hard and grief sucks. Thirty years ago today I was in labor knowing I was going to have my third child. Thirty years is not long enough to have them in your life. But I am grateful that I at least had that. There are so many mothers who have less.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Old Age
Happy Birthday to me. Today I turned 52 years old. I remember when I thought 50 was old, and somehow 60 doesn't seem that old to me anymore. There is so much i could say today, but Heather sent me a darling email that say it better than I can. And I agree with it totally. So here it is.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, an d if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and s terile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never lau ghed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, an d if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and s terile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never lau ghed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Expiration Dates
Interesting name for a post, isn't it? And I promise if you read to the end, you will understand what it has to do with my birthday that is coming up in three days.
I have a son who could never remember my birthday. Every year about Sept 5th, Ruth would call and ask me if my birthday is Sept 6th or the 9th. Every year I would explain to her that my birthday is the 6th and Joans, Nick's high school friend, was the 9th. I would tell her to explain to Nick that if he can remember his is on the 16th, then he should be able to remember mind on the 6th. And the next year I would get another phone call. It was quite hilarious. Last year after their accident was the first year I didn't get that phone call. But I still thought about it.
Last week I wrote Mary that I was going to Vernal for my birthday on Saturday. Somehow I made it sound like my birthday was last Saturday. So when she wrote me happy birthday, I told her the story of Nick and Ruth. It actually makes me laugh. So this morning I was sitting in Lala's driveway checking my email when Monique walked out the door. She was walking to jazz choir practice. I told her to get in and I'd give her a ride. As she got in the car she said 'Grandma, is your birthday the 6th or the 9th.' Oh, I laughed so hard, and then told her the story of Nick and Ruth and that very same question. She thought it was funny and then said to me 'Oh, it would be easier to remember if it was the 9th cuz that's the day our milk expires.'
Out of the mouths of babes! She had been looking in the fridge at the date on the milk when she remembered my birthday coming up and asked her mom what day it was. There actually was some logic in her thinking. Wouldn't life be interesting if we call came with expiration dates stamped on us somewhere so we would know just how much time we have left?
I have a son who could never remember my birthday. Every year about Sept 5th, Ruth would call and ask me if my birthday is Sept 6th or the 9th. Every year I would explain to her that my birthday is the 6th and Joans, Nick's high school friend, was the 9th. I would tell her to explain to Nick that if he can remember his is on the 16th, then he should be able to remember mind on the 6th. And the next year I would get another phone call. It was quite hilarious. Last year after their accident was the first year I didn't get that phone call. But I still thought about it.
Last week I wrote Mary that I was going to Vernal for my birthday on Saturday. Somehow I made it sound like my birthday was last Saturday. So when she wrote me happy birthday, I told her the story of Nick and Ruth. It actually makes me laugh. So this morning I was sitting in Lala's driveway checking my email when Monique walked out the door. She was walking to jazz choir practice. I told her to get in and I'd give her a ride. As she got in the car she said 'Grandma, is your birthday the 6th or the 9th.' Oh, I laughed so hard, and then told her the story of Nick and Ruth and that very same question. She thought it was funny and then said to me 'Oh, it would be easier to remember if it was the 9th cuz that's the day our milk expires.'
Out of the mouths of babes! She had been looking in the fridge at the date on the milk when she remembered my birthday coming up and asked her mom what day it was. There actually was some logic in her thinking. Wouldn't life be interesting if we call came with expiration dates stamped on us somewhere so we would know just how much time we have left?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
More Surviving Part 2
The weekend before the results were due I started to fall apart. I read everything online I could find on breast cancer. Sometimes the internet is a good thing. I overloaded my brain and started thinking of all the things I would have to deal with if the lump was malignant.
Years ago I told Howard that if I ever got breast cancer I would die before I would have a mastectomy. Why is it that women's self esteem seems to be tied to her chest from the time she starts developing? I spent the whole weekend slowly falling apart. So when the doctors office called on Tuesday, I assumed it was to remind me of my appointment on Wednesday. They had told me they wouldn't give results over the phone. That way if I had to come in, I would just assume it was bad. I missed the call and when I called back they were at lunch. It was a pretty tense hour until I could get ahold of someone who knew anything. But then I was told 'we have your results and they are benign!' I actually keep from crying at work. I immediately txted Ang and Lala the results. I didn't tell anybody at work cuz I wanted to tell the rest of my family after work.
I went to the appointment on Wednesday and got more information on the results. I was told I need to have a mammo every year without fail. I have a high risk for more lumps and a slightly higher risk for it to someday be malignant. Will I keep getting the yearly mammo? You bet. Will I choose to have other lumps removed? Yeah, I think I will. I don't know what my decision would have been if this was malignant. I kept saying I would figure that out when I got the results. But I do know that I have so much life left to live and so much to do!
So here's to the rest of my life!!!
Years ago I told Howard that if I ever got breast cancer I would die before I would have a mastectomy. Why is it that women's self esteem seems to be tied to her chest from the time she starts developing? I spent the whole weekend slowly falling apart. So when the doctors office called on Tuesday, I assumed it was to remind me of my appointment on Wednesday. They had told me they wouldn't give results over the phone. That way if I had to come in, I would just assume it was bad. I missed the call and when I called back they were at lunch. It was a pretty tense hour until I could get ahold of someone who knew anything. But then I was told 'we have your results and they are benign!' I actually keep from crying at work. I immediately txted Ang and Lala the results. I didn't tell anybody at work cuz I wanted to tell the rest of my family after work.
I went to the appointment on Wednesday and got more information on the results. I was told I need to have a mammo every year without fail. I have a high risk for more lumps and a slightly higher risk for it to someday be malignant. Will I keep getting the yearly mammo? You bet. Will I choose to have other lumps removed? Yeah, I think I will. I don't know what my decision would have been if this was malignant. I kept saying I would figure that out when I got the results. But I do know that I have so much life left to live and so much to do!
So here's to the rest of my life!!!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
More Surviving Pt 1
I have no clue how many people have stumbled upon this blog. I hadn't thought about the fact that when I comment on someone elses blog, it leads them back to me. I hope nothing I say here upsets or offends anyone, but I think most of us blog for ourselves. Call it therapy.
A couple of months ago i realized that I had met my deductible on my insurance, so why not use it. I'm getting old---well, older. My birthday is just over a week away, but that is definitely something for another post. It's been almost two years since I hit the big 5-0 when they suddenly start telling you it's time for this test or that test so I decided to go for it and use the health insurance. I started small. I made an appointment with the lady OB-GYN in town. Now in case anybody is reading this, I highly recommend finding a woman GYN. Wow, it made such a difference. I have had many checkups, have had five kids. I have been known to lay on a doctors table and read a book while getting a pelvic exam. But it is never pleasant. However, with a woman you lay down and about ten seconds later (it seems) she says "ok, all done, sit up." Wow! So I got the pap test which I honestly haven't done for years. The nurse looked at me when I told her how long like I was crazy. I said 'when you have no health insurance and five kids, guess who goes to the doctor?' She recommended a mammogram which I knew was coming. Ok, got that scheduled, got the results from the pap, normal. Cool. I had a mammo about ten years ago when they were doing free ones in Nevada. Ok, piece of cake. Yeah, right.
Imagine my surprise when I got the call that said my mammo results needed to be redone. Something called a spot compression which is fancy talk for 'let's smash a little more to get a better picture.' Ok, my sisters both said they have done this a lot. So I wasn't too worried. Of course, the fact that I was doing another mammo plus an ultrasound had me a little nervous.
Then I walked into the room and saw the x-ray. The lump they had found was bigger than I expected. But I was still feeling pretty confident. I was able to call the radiologist after 3 to get the results rather than wait. I hated calling cuz i was still at work and knew what would happen if the news was bad. So of course, I held together on the phone and then fell apart. He told me that I would have to have surgery as soon as I could to have the lump removed. He said he couldn't say benign or malignant either way, but he wanted the whole lump taken out, not just a needle biopsy. I had already had an appointment with a surgeon in town about the routine colonoscopy. I was very impressed with him, and we had talked about a few tests that would eventually lead to having my hiatal hernia fixed and gall bladder removed. All which would make me feel so much better. Although having a bad gall bladder and constant nausea has helped me lose over ten pounds.
I got the appointment with Dr. O'Connor. Both my girls went with me. And he told me we needed surgery as soon as we could schedule it and explained the whole procedure. This was on the 12th and they said they could do the surgery either Thur or Fri the same week. I choose Friday. I called family and told them what was going on. I was really nervous about the surgery, but I finally realized that was because every other time I've had surgery it was because I was really sick and had no choice. I wasn't worried about the results. At least not then.
A couple of months ago i realized that I had met my deductible on my insurance, so why not use it. I'm getting old---well, older. My birthday is just over a week away, but that is definitely something for another post. It's been almost two years since I hit the big 5-0 when they suddenly start telling you it's time for this test or that test so I decided to go for it and use the health insurance. I started small. I made an appointment with the lady OB-GYN in town. Now in case anybody is reading this, I highly recommend finding a woman GYN. Wow, it made such a difference. I have had many checkups, have had five kids. I have been known to lay on a doctors table and read a book while getting a pelvic exam. But it is never pleasant. However, with a woman you lay down and about ten seconds later (it seems) she says "ok, all done, sit up." Wow! So I got the pap test which I honestly haven't done for years. The nurse looked at me when I told her how long like I was crazy. I said 'when you have no health insurance and five kids, guess who goes to the doctor?' She recommended a mammogram which I knew was coming. Ok, got that scheduled, got the results from the pap, normal. Cool. I had a mammo about ten years ago when they were doing free ones in Nevada. Ok, piece of cake. Yeah, right.
Imagine my surprise when I got the call that said my mammo results needed to be redone. Something called a spot compression which is fancy talk for 'let's smash a little more to get a better picture.' Ok, my sisters both said they have done this a lot. So I wasn't too worried. Of course, the fact that I was doing another mammo plus an ultrasound had me a little nervous.
Then I walked into the room and saw the x-ray. The lump they had found was bigger than I expected. But I was still feeling pretty confident. I was able to call the radiologist after 3 to get the results rather than wait. I hated calling cuz i was still at work and knew what would happen if the news was bad. So of course, I held together on the phone and then fell apart. He told me that I would have to have surgery as soon as I could to have the lump removed. He said he couldn't say benign or malignant either way, but he wanted the whole lump taken out, not just a needle biopsy. I had already had an appointment with a surgeon in town about the routine colonoscopy. I was very impressed with him, and we had talked about a few tests that would eventually lead to having my hiatal hernia fixed and gall bladder removed. All which would make me feel so much better. Although having a bad gall bladder and constant nausea has helped me lose over ten pounds.
I got the appointment with Dr. O'Connor. Both my girls went with me. And he told me we needed surgery as soon as we could schedule it and explained the whole procedure. This was on the 12th and they said they could do the surgery either Thur or Fri the same week. I choose Friday. I called family and told them what was going on. I was really nervous about the surgery, but I finally realized that was because every other time I've had surgery it was because I was really sick and had no choice. I wasn't worried about the results. At least not then.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Since the 18th
I have had a hard time finding time to post consistently. My intention is to write something at home in the evening and post it when I check my email every morning. Not having internet at the apt is hard. But now I can't use that as the excuse for not getting anything done either. I seem to be spending this week just sort of coasting along. But tonight is my night to spend a lot of time revamping my life, my time and my priorities.
I have decided that there is a reason we have bad times. Ok, I realize anybody reading this has probably already figured this out. But since I'm writing this for me and not that elusive 'anybody' it's ok. I have been not feeling good physically or mentally for a couple weeks now. Well, the last couple of days I'm feeling better. Not 100%, and I'm not sure when I will feel that way again. But let's just say that sometimes you have to feel rotten in order to feel better at all. What are the words to that country song about hitting rock bottom and having nowhere to go but up? I had a good friend read my blog the other day and I do admit there were some depressed entries. Between writing about my son and my husband, it was a little sad and blue. He said I thought you were doing better at stuff like that. Maybe I hadn't done a good job at writing those, because somehow one thing I was trying to say was that every though I was down and being melancholy, I was still better than I have been in the past. I posted about my tendency to be a perfectionist. So just the fact that I can accept the small steps I have made says something about how far I have come.
I have decided that there is a reason we have bad times. Ok, I realize anybody reading this has probably already figured this out. But since I'm writing this for me and not that elusive 'anybody' it's ok. I have been not feeling good physically or mentally for a couple weeks now. Well, the last couple of days I'm feeling better. Not 100%, and I'm not sure when I will feel that way again. But let's just say that sometimes you have to feel rotten in order to feel better at all. What are the words to that country song about hitting rock bottom and having nowhere to go but up? I had a good friend read my blog the other day and I do admit there were some depressed entries. Between writing about my son and my husband, it was a little sad and blue. He said I thought you were doing better at stuff like that. Maybe I hadn't done a good job at writing those, because somehow one thing I was trying to say was that every though I was down and being melancholy, I was still better than I have been in the past. I posted about my tendency to be a perfectionist. So just the fact that I can accept the small steps I have made says something about how far I have come.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Not so Happy Anniversary
One year ago today I received a phone call that broke what was left of my heart. A nurse from Utah was called to tell me my 8 year old granddaughter was being flight for lifed to a hospital in SLC, Ut. When I asked her where my son and wife were, she said "I'm sorry to have to tell you, there were no other survivors." No mother should hear those words!
After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'
I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.
But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.
After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'
I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.
But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Broken Hearted Me
I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it struck a chore in me. I'm putting the lyrics and the words on this. I put on such a face for the world. But this is how I feel inside.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I
Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.
Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I
Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.
Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Alone again
Happy Anniversary, Howard. Today would have been 31 years together married. Wow, I can't believe that. It doesn't seem that long ago since we eloped. I would love to sit home and look at our wedding pictures, but I don't have a clue where they are. I do have one on the computer, so I'll open it and remember how handsome you were. I fell in love with you that very first day I met you. You had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. We had a roller coaster marriage, but I only remember the good times now. Guess that is one of the advantages of you being gone. It makes my memories only seen through rose colored glasses.
I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.
Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.
Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............
I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.
Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.
Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............
Perfection
Did you know that the traitto be a perfection is not a good one? Did you know that being a power-hungry control freak is bad? Well, if you did, good for you. But I'm learning how bad those traits are in my life, and how much I screw things up being this way.
Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.
I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.
Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'
I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.
Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.
I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.
Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'
I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Remembering
How can you put into words just how much someone means to you? Especially when that person grew for nine months inside your belly? There is nothing in the world I have experienced that cuts as deep as losing your child, your flesh and blood, someone you and the husband you love created together. People say that it is not natural to bury your child. Most of us expect that we will probably bury our parents, and perhaps even a spouse. But the natural order of things is that our children will grow up, have families and someday bury us.
In just over two weeks from now two families will be celebrating an anniversary. Those of us familiar with grief try to soften it by calling it the anniversary of their birth into heaven. And maybe that does give some comfort. And maybe down the road it will give me more. But right now I just feel like I'm going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. I don't know how to make it through this. I know that somehow I will, I've done something simliar before. But for about 19 days I'm just going to remember to breathe in and breathe out and that is about all I plan on doing.
I love you, Nick, Ru and Audrey. And I will miss you forever!
In just over two weeks from now two families will be celebrating an anniversary. Those of us familiar with grief try to soften it by calling it the anniversary of their birth into heaven. And maybe that does give some comfort. And maybe down the road it will give me more. But right now I just feel like I'm going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. I don't know how to make it through this. I know that somehow I will, I've done something simliar before. But for about 19 days I'm just going to remember to breathe in and breathe out and that is about all I plan on doing.
I love you, Nick, Ru and Audrey. And I will miss you forever!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
What Susan Means
What Susan Means |
 You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. |
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Please Remember
I sent this song to a very sweet man in my life last night. I have had a very hard decision to make lately, and this was the end result. And so again tonight I sit at the computer, playing this song over and over while tears run down my cheeks.
"Please Remember"
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me
Please remember, Please remember
"Please Remember"
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me
Please remember, Please remember
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Being Alone
I am sitting here at my computer listening to all the sad songs I can find and crying my eyes out. And believe it or not, I actually had an epiphany about myself and my life. I have thought a little lately that I might need to get a little professional help dealing with the grief. I know that I am not easy to get along with lately, and I'm suffering from some major depression. I know that my clinging is driving my best friend nuts because I want him with me more than he can be. I hate it when he goes home and leaves me. But tonight I was on the phone with my Mom when he got a call from work about an emergency and had to leave. So that made it easier. I had hoped he would come back over, but he's tired and has a headache. And we did have a nice time together this weekend which I am soooo not going to ruin. So back to the epiphany.
I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.
My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.
I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.
My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Happy New Year!
I wish I could say I'm glad to see the end of 2007. It has been a horrendous year. But I have learned in my life that when I say I hope next year is better, unfortunately it can always be worse. But let's recap and see how 2007 shaped up.
I would have to start with New Year's Eve last year. The day before that, my oldest daughter found out that her soon to be ex husband had cheated her out of custody of her two daughters. So we all decided to try to have a good evening despite our broken hearts. At the time we thought we could fight him. But without a tremendous amount of money, we couldn't hire an attorney to do that. So my two daughters, their men, some friends and my date went out to celebrate. I have to admit that night was quite a bit of fun. Not something I want to repeat this year, but fun. Wow, maybe I'm getting old, cuz I'd rather go to bed and sleep the new year in.
Possibly the high point of the year was my flight to see Chris and his family. I hadn't flown since he was six months old, so that was exciting. But even more so was to be with him and his family in Alabama. My oldest granddaughter had a special birthday while I was there. And they took me to the beach in Florida. Chris couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean. I guess he takes for granted all the traveling he has done in the military. Wow, the ocean is awesome. I want to be a beach bum when I grow up! I even brought some sand back with me.
And then we get to the low point. In August my middle son and family were in a terrible accident. The truck he was driving blew a driver, went across the median, rolled and was hit be a semi truck. Nick, his wife and their two year old daughter were killed instantly. By some miracle the 7 year old was saved. Although she spent a few days in the hospital and several more with a neck brace, she was able to attend their funeral. How something so devastatingly tragic and sad could in turn be so spiritual was very surprising. The whole family showed up at the hospital with different ideas on where she should live. Now we're talking two sets of grandparents and altogether 15 siblings. Within 24 hours most of us knew where she was to live. Although nerves were frayed and tempers were strained, most decisions were easily made. We were able to have her come and spend a weekend with us this fall. She is the spitting image of her Daddy which is both hard and a blessing.
I have been blessed with my job this year. They were so good in giving me time off for the funeral and the time I spent in the hospital with my granddaughter. And they were good at both listening to me talk and knowing when to be quiet when I got back to work. And let's not forget being able to ignore my tears and red eyes on occasion. I got my yearly evaluation in November along with some wonderful compliments and a hefty raise. There are indeed days that getting up and going to work saves my sanity.
So I end 2007 in some ways the same way I started it. I still have five children and thirteen grandchildren. I just say that some of them live in heaven. I have made some wonderful new friends, kept some special old ones. I am still single and probably always will be. But I'm more ok with that then I was a year ago. I am able to look back and see the changes and the growth I've made, not just in the last year but in the last several years.
So despite all the ups and downs, I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, to 2008, a new year full of possibilities and challenges, full of both joy and sorrow. Part of me is an optimist and hopes that somehow I survive to new years eve a year from now still looking forward to another year, able to see both the good times and rejoice, and the bad times and see the growth I have made. Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I would have to start with New Year's Eve last year. The day before that, my oldest daughter found out that her soon to be ex husband had cheated her out of custody of her two daughters. So we all decided to try to have a good evening despite our broken hearts. At the time we thought we could fight him. But without a tremendous amount of money, we couldn't hire an attorney to do that. So my two daughters, their men, some friends and my date went out to celebrate. I have to admit that night was quite a bit of fun. Not something I want to repeat this year, but fun. Wow, maybe I'm getting old, cuz I'd rather go to bed and sleep the new year in.
Possibly the high point of the year was my flight to see Chris and his family. I hadn't flown since he was six months old, so that was exciting. But even more so was to be with him and his family in Alabama. My oldest granddaughter had a special birthday while I was there. And they took me to the beach in Florida. Chris couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean. I guess he takes for granted all the traveling he has done in the military. Wow, the ocean is awesome. I want to be a beach bum when I grow up! I even brought some sand back with me.
And then we get to the low point. In August my middle son and family were in a terrible accident. The truck he was driving blew a driver, went across the median, rolled and was hit be a semi truck. Nick, his wife and their two year old daughter were killed instantly. By some miracle the 7 year old was saved. Although she spent a few days in the hospital and several more with a neck brace, she was able to attend their funeral. How something so devastatingly tragic and sad could in turn be so spiritual was very surprising. The whole family showed up at the hospital with different ideas on where she should live. Now we're talking two sets of grandparents and altogether 15 siblings. Within 24 hours most of us knew where she was to live. Although nerves were frayed and tempers were strained, most decisions were easily made. We were able to have her come and spend a weekend with us this fall. She is the spitting image of her Daddy which is both hard and a blessing.
I have been blessed with my job this year. They were so good in giving me time off for the funeral and the time I spent in the hospital with my granddaughter. And they were good at both listening to me talk and knowing when to be quiet when I got back to work. And let's not forget being able to ignore my tears and red eyes on occasion. I got my yearly evaluation in November along with some wonderful compliments and a hefty raise. There are indeed days that getting up and going to work saves my sanity.
So I end 2007 in some ways the same way I started it. I still have five children and thirteen grandchildren. I just say that some of them live in heaven. I have made some wonderful new friends, kept some special old ones. I am still single and probably always will be. But I'm more ok with that then I was a year ago. I am able to look back and see the changes and the growth I've made, not just in the last year but in the last several years.
So despite all the ups and downs, I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, to 2008, a new year full of possibilities and challenges, full of both joy and sorrow. Part of me is an optimist and hopes that somehow I survive to new years eve a year from now still looking forward to another year, able to see both the good times and rejoice, and the bad times and see the growth I have made. Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I wish you.....
I just received this email, and it goes along with my post from yesterday, so I'm gonna share it.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Letting Go
This was written at work a few weeks ago, but somehow I feel the need to post it today.
What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.
I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.
But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.
Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.
And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.
So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?
What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.
I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.
But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.
Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.
And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.
So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
5 Things to be Happy About Right Now
I was reading a magazine article this week that sure made me think. So I grabbed a notebook and starting putting some thoughts to paper. I think part of the secrets to a happy life is to learn to live in the moment. My Mom and oldest sister always talk about how bad things are in the world. Yes, that is true. You can't turn on the news without some tragedy. But I'm afraid if I only dwell on the bad, I will crawl in bed and never get up again. Now without going in much detail, let's just say that I've had more than one tragedy in my life. I buried the father of my children in 1992. After he died I seemed to have this almost obsessive need to talk about every last detail. I cried constantly and felt bad if I couldn't cry. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about. When Jim (next husband) died in 2001, I talked about it a little bit but not as much. There seemed to be a few people that I wanted to talk with. At that point my 7-11 job was my salvation. I remember thinking that most of my customers had no clue who I was or that I had been widowed for the second time just six weeks before the job started. So I could go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was just fine. It was a performance deserving of an Oscar.
Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.
About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.
My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.
The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.
Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!
Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.
About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.
My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.
The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.
Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Take This Job and Love It!
I decided today it was time to talk about my job. I have been so blessed in the jobs I have held. They have all seemed to suit me at the time. But I have to admit this is quite possibly my favorite job. My mom told me for years that I need to get an office job where I can my skills. The day I interviewed for this job, I knew I wanted it. The two bosses who did the interviewing were fun and friend. I figured it would be a good place to work. And I was right.
Let me tell you what my typical day is like. I work for an oilfield supply company. That means anything an oilrig wants, we try to get for them. Anything from pump parts to tools to office supplies to housewares is ordered. Although I have a basic routine of what needs to get done, each time the phone rings it can be a different opportunity. My official title is Administrative Clerk! Wow, a job title and it sounds so much more impressive than cashier. This means that I handle a lot of secretarial-office duties and whatever else needs to be done. I get paid to shop at Walmart a couple times a week. I have been there a little over a year, and it amazes me how much I have learned in that year. And the best part is, I have a couple of bosses that appreciate what I do. I had my yearly evaluation last week, and they were both so complimentary to me. And the icing on the cake is: (drum roll please) I got a raise of $1 an hour. That means that on my year anniversary of being on their payroll, I will be making $10 an hour. I worked the first four months for a temporary service.
Let me tell you what my typical day is like. I work for an oilfield supply company. That means anything an oilrig wants, we try to get for them. Anything from pump parts to tools to office supplies to housewares is ordered. Although I have a basic routine of what needs to get done, each time the phone rings it can be a different opportunity. My official title is Administrative Clerk! Wow, a job title and it sounds so much more impressive than cashier. This means that I handle a lot of secretarial-office duties and whatever else needs to be done. I get paid to shop at Walmart a couple times a week. I have been there a little over a year, and it amazes me how much I have learned in that year. And the best part is, I have a couple of bosses that appreciate what I do. I had my yearly evaluation last week, and they were both so complimentary to me. And the icing on the cake is: (drum roll please) I got a raise of $1 an hour. That means that on my year anniversary of being on their payroll, I will be making $10 an hour. I worked the first four months for a temporary service.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
This Roller Coaster Life
I don't write this blog for anybody to read. Don't even think it's public, and I know the two I've told about it don't read it anymore. So it's just for me, just for me to ramble, think and vent. Hopefully in the process I'll figure out a few things about myself and what goes on in my head.
Ok, world, I'm bipolar! For those who don't know what that is, it's like being on a roller coaster every day, every single damn day, every single minute of every day. I never know when I wake up in the morning what my day is going to be like. I might wake up feeling on top of the world, but by the time hair and make up are done and I'm out the door for work, I'm hittin rock bottom. Or vice versa.
This was actually a very good week for me. I really wish my life was more just middle-of-the road mellow instead of the ups and downs. Because after a good week, the down is soooo low it's below ground. Ok, now I know I had this really good blog in my head before I started typing. Oh, well, can always come back and edit later.
Ok, world, I'm bipolar! For those who don't know what that is, it's like being on a roller coaster every day, every single damn day, every single minute of every day. I never know when I wake up in the morning what my day is going to be like. I might wake up feeling on top of the world, but by the time hair and make up are done and I'm out the door for work, I'm hittin rock bottom. Or vice versa.
This was actually a very good week for me. I really wish my life was more just middle-of-the road mellow instead of the ups and downs. Because after a good week, the down is soooo low it's below ground. Ok, now I know I had this really good blog in my head before I started typing. Oh, well, can always come back and edit later.
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