Addictions and Dependencies

Ok, I did plan on writing more about the thoughts that have run through my head since attending the meeting with Brandon on Friday, although I guess it didn’t sound like it. I was just trying to put everything in words. But sometimes I just have to put my thoughts down on paper instead cuz they don’t seem to work in my head. In fact, most of the time if I leave them to run around unchecked in my head, they go nuts. So I’ve been thinking about it in my spare time (what’s that?) and then today I had a phone call from a friend. We don’t talk much except chatting once in a while to catch up on our lives.

He’s in the middle of a really hard relationship with a woman he loves. She kept trying to get a divorce from her husband but he wouldn’t give it to her. She moved away, came back and is now back together with him because she just knows he’s changed. She asked Gene to go to an Al-Anon meeting. He was late to the meeting and so it had started. She was across the room so he just took an empty seat.

Part of the discussion was talking about a monkey trap. The way to trap a monkey is to get a box, put a piece of fruit in it, close the box up totally, cut a crack in the top of the box. The monkey comes along, smells the fruit and puts his hand in the crack. He grabs the fruit in his fist and tries to take his hand out. But he can’st because his hand is now too big. The moneky won’t let go and you can catch him with his hand in the monkey trap.

Ok, Gene sat there like he’d been slapped up the side of his head, looked across the room at the long, red-headed woman and thought ‘there’s my monkey trap.’ So after the meeting he talked to her and told her what he had realized and that he had to get his hand out of the trap and walked away.

It was kind of ironic that he and I both had gone to that kind of a meeting this week. After the Family Week meeting we had to feel out a questionnaire about our experiences that week and what we thought of it. Some things I couldn’t grade because I had only gone one night. But at the top we had to put our relationsip to the client (Brandon) and check if we are an addict or co-dependent. Well, I checked both of them. So many of the things they talked about hit me hard. We talked about grieving and the stages of grief. We talked about addictions no matter what the addiction is: alcohol, drugs, food or sometimes in my case, men. Or is that the fear of being alone? Yeah, how much of my current relationship is due to my fear of being alone? Many times, especially when I’ve been working, I could have gotten my own apartment. But instead I have stayed living with either my Mom or my kids no matter how bad it got because I’d rather do that insteazd of being alone. And how much of my relationship with Rod is due to not wanting to be alone when I finally quit living with my kids. He has told me that he knows part of it a year ago was that he was my escape from the bad times at Mom’s.

For the first time in years I’m excited about my life and my future. I mentioned some of the goals I’m making. I intend to start the computer classes next month. I’m gonna start with one and then see if I can go to two the next time. If I can only take one every six weeks, it will take me forever to get them done. Plus I’ve got to start saving all my extra money which means no shopping trips to Walmart for a while. I need to either get my car fixed or save for another one. Plus I need my own place. I’m actually so excited about that.

One of the comments to my post was: “I've realized I have a real fear of dependancies. I don't want to become dependant on my therapy light, I don't want to become dependant on a man, or on another student to do their part of the assignment.” And I realized that is part of my problem. I’ve reached the point in my relationship that I’m enjoying things the way they are. I’ve spent the last month doing really good, not going loopy. And then this past week things got bad again.

Actually maybe I need to say it started a couple of weeks ago, but I’ve done pretty good at staying ok with it. It started when Rod had the wedding reception to go to. He talked about hating to go alone, and I suggested that I leave here after work at Saturday and go with him and then have Sunday dinner with him and his kids. He sort of brushed it off and didn’t seem to like the idea at all. He did say ‘do you really want to have dinner with the kids?” I said ‘why don’t you invite me someday and find out.” He said “ok, someday I will.” Yeah, that elusive ‘someday.’ That whole relationship is based on someday.

Then Rod wrote me an email about how he didn’t like the idea of going alone to the reception and thoughts about that. All I could think of was ‘well, I offered to go, but I guess I’m just not good enough.’ On the phone I made some comment about knowing my place. It was getting late and I got his usual ‘it’s too late to talk about this.’ Yeah, that’s his response when he doesn’t want to talk about something.

So I’ve been doing some thinking lately about “my place.” I have made him or let him be involved in my life and the lives of my kids and grandkids. And it seems like I’m good enough to be part of his life but only the parts that he wants me to be. If makes me feel like Im’ just not good enough to be around his friends or his kids. My place is sort of the back-street girlfriend.

We spent so much time talking when I was out there those few days when Rod had the carbon monoxide poisoning. I thought we got so much out in the open, and I came back feeling like there really was a future for us. But it seems like when Rod gives me some encouragement about that, it scares him or something and then he ends up backing away. When I got this job he talked about how I could work into management and transfer to Salt Lake next year and be out there. Then the other day I said something about it, and he asid ‘well, they have an office in Orem too, so you could work there.’ Guess that shows me how much he wants me to be with him.

I’m not sure if it’s an addiction, co-dependency or just this fear of being alone that drives me. I want a chance to be on my own and be my own boss. But then Rod gives me some encouragement like we’re gonna have a future and I jump on it. Or I end up really missing him and wanting to be with him, and so when he says something that’s just teasing I take it wrong. Last night I said to him that lately it seems like being with him is right and being away is wrong. I actually have felt so homesick being away from him. I want to be at his little apartment with him. And his response to my comment was ‘maybe it is.’ Not ‘it is right to be with me,’ it was that wonderful maybe that I hate so much.

So where does this go from here? I haven't a clue. Did venting help? Yeah, it did. So I guess something got accomplished. Now it's bedtime and time to quit thinking. Goodnight all!