It seems that I've spent the last 49 years of my life always wanting what I can't have. And in the past 1 1/2 years I've done everything I can to get what I want, or at least what I thought I wanted. But for the first time in all those years I think I've gotten what I wanted or at least a big part of it. But instead of being happy for about two seconds and then wanting something else or something more, I'm content. I'm actually ok with things the way they are today, right now. It just took me a long time to figure out what it really was that I wanted. A big part of that was getting past the fear of being alone to realize what I need is to grow up and take care of myself and quit expecting other people to do it for me. Years ago a very wise man told me that I needed to be happy with myself before I could be truly happy. Ok, Howard, I get it now!
Independence is such an interesting concept. We spent most of our childhood, at least the teenage years, waiting to grow up, get out of our parents house and be independent. I guess I never really had that. Oh, I don't mean the wanting, I mean the getting. I went from being daughter to wife to mother without a real identity of my own. The most indepdent I ever was would have to be the few months I attended college. But then the fear of the unknown kept me going home to Dad and Mom each and every weekend. I remember sitting in a class, this young 18 year old know-it-all listening to all the women who were probably the age I am now. They were old! Their advice to us was get your education and be able to support yourself if you ever need to. I thought it was good advice and planned to follow it. Then a few months down the road I quit school and ran off and got married. Two years later I was divorced with a baby and another on the way so back to Dad and Mom I went. They took care of me until I again became a wife. A death should have given me some independence but it didn't, and again I got into a marriage to have someone to take care of me. Although circumstances made me do as much 'taking care of' as the other way around, I still had that emotional side that was being taken care of. When another death brought that to an end, did I say "Wow, I'm grown up, I can do this." No, I moved in with Angela then Mom and then Spencer. Now I'm with Priscilla. That small taste of freedom I had for the two weeks I had my own place scared me to death. But now I dream about that time and want it back. For the first time in my life I welcome independence and taking care of myself.
So the next step must be to get my financial situation in order so I can get my own place. I like the idea of perhaps someday down the road having a man to take care of me and to be able to take care of him. But not right now. Right now it's my time. Time for Susan to figure out who she is and to do things for herself. This long distance relationship is a big part of this, but it's also giving me the freedom to be able to do it. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?
