Happy New Year!

I wish I could say I'm glad to see the end of 2007. It has been a horrendous year. But I have learned in my life that when I say I hope next year is better, unfortunately it can always be worse. But let's recap and see how 2007 shaped up.

I would have to start with New Year's Eve last year. The day before that, my oldest daughter found out that her soon to be ex husband had cheated her out of custody of her two daughters. So we all decided to try to have a good evening despite our broken hearts. At the time we thought we could fight him. But without a tremendous amount of money, we couldn't hire an attorney to do that. So my two daughters, their men, some friends and my date went out to celebrate. I have to admit that night was quite a bit of fun. Not something I want to repeat this year, but fun. Wow, maybe I'm getting old, cuz I'd rather go to bed and sleep the new year in.

Possibly the high point of the year was my flight to see Chris and his family. I hadn't flown since he was six months old, so that was exciting. But even more so was to be with him and his family in Alabama. My oldest granddaughter had a special birthday while I was there. And they took me to the beach in Florida. Chris couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean. I guess he takes for granted all the traveling he has done in the military. Wow, the ocean is awesome. I want to be a beach bum when I grow up! I even brought some sand back with me.

And then we get to the low point. In August my middle son and family were in a terrible accident. The truck he was driving blew a driver, went across the median, rolled and was hit be a semi truck. Nick, his wife and their two year old daughter were killed instantly. By some miracle the 7 year old was saved. Although she spent a few days in the hospital and several more with a neck brace, she was able to attend their funeral. How something so devastatingly tragic and sad could in turn be so spiritual was very surprising. The whole family showed up at the hospital with different ideas on where she should live. Now we're talking two sets of grandparents and altogether 15 siblings. Within 24 hours most of us knew where she was to live. Although nerves were frayed and tempers were strained, most decisions were easily made. We were able to have her come and spend a weekend with us this fall. She is the spitting image of her Daddy which is both hard and a blessing.

I have been blessed with my job this year. They were so good in giving me time off for the funeral and the time I spent in the hospital with my granddaughter. And they were good at both listening to me talk and knowing when to be quiet when I got back to work. And let's not forget being able to ignore my tears and red eyes on occasion. I got my yearly evaluation in November along with some wonderful compliments and a hefty raise. There are indeed days that getting up and going to work saves my sanity.

So I end 2007 in some ways the same way I started it. I still have five children and thirteen grandchildren. I just say that some of them live in heaven. I have made some wonderful new friends, kept some special old ones. I am still single and probably always will be. But I'm more ok with that then I was a year ago. I am able to look back and see the changes and the growth I've made, not just in the last year but in the last several years.

So despite all the ups and downs, I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, to 2008, a new year full of possibilities and challenges, full of both joy and sorrow. Part of me is an optimist and hopes that somehow I survive to new years eve a year from now still looking forward to another year, able to see both the good times and rejoice, and the bad times and see the growth I have made. Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish you.....

I just received this email, and it goes along with my post from yesterday, so I'm gonna share it.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!

Letting Go

This was written at work a few weeks ago, but somehow I feel the need to post it today.

What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.

I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.

But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.

Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.

And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.

So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?

5 Things to be Happy About Right Now

I was reading a magazine article this week that sure made me think. So I grabbed a notebook and starting putting some thoughts to paper. I think part of the secrets to a happy life is to learn to live in the moment. My Mom and oldest sister always talk about how bad things are in the world. Yes, that is true. You can't turn on the news without some tragedy. But I'm afraid if I only dwell on the bad, I will crawl in bed and never get up again. Now without going in much detail, let's just say that I've had more than one tragedy in my life. I buried the father of my children in 1992. After he died I seemed to have this almost obsessive need to talk about every last detail. I cried constantly and felt bad if I couldn't cry. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about. When Jim (next husband) died in 2001, I talked about it a little bit but not as much. There seemed to be a few people that I wanted to talk with. At that point my 7-11 job was my salvation. I remember thinking that most of my customers had no clue who I was or that I had been widowed for the second time just six weeks before the job started. So I could go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was just fine. It was a performance deserving of an Oscar.

Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.

About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.

My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.

The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.

Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!