I was reading a magazine article this week that sure made me think. So I grabbed a notebook and starting putting some thoughts to paper. I think part of the secrets to a happy life is to learn to live in the moment. My Mom and oldest sister always talk about how bad things are in the world. Yes, that is true. You can't turn on the news without some tragedy. But I'm afraid if I only dwell on the bad, I will crawl in bed and never get up again. Now without going in much detail, let's just say that I've had more than one tragedy in my life. I buried the father of my children in 1992. After he died I seemed to have this almost obsessive need to talk about every last detail. I cried constantly and felt bad if I couldn't cry. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about. When Jim (next husband) died in 2001, I talked about it a little bit but not as much. There seemed to be a few people that I wanted to talk with. At that point my 7-11 job was my salvation. I remember thinking that most of my customers had no clue who I was or that I had been widowed for the second time just six weeks before the job started. So I could go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was just fine. It was a performance deserving of an Oscar.
Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.
About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.
My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.
The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.
Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!
