Tomorrow is Friday. at least my Friday. It's the last day of six I've worked this week. I probably should wait until tomorrow to say it's been a good week. But it really has been. I'm getting faster and better at this all the time. Of course, there have been some weird moments, some hard moments and some interesting people I've met on the phone. It seems as if at least one call a day is a long, hard one. And I'd still rather do anything than troubleshoot a problem. I am getting better at helping the customer, but there are always those problems that I just can't figure out. And we are still having the issue of getting help. Phil from Orem was here yesterday and had a meeting with Kailan and Crystal. I assume that means Crystal is going to be the mentor. I've found out that I'm not the only one that is having the problem with her. I'm sure eventually we'll butt heads, but since she works the 2-10 shift, I don't have more than a couple hours to deal with her. Now as long as they don't put her on total day shift, I'll be fine.

I do get along with everybody that I work with. Of course, there are some I enjoy more than others. Maybe I should mention a few of them. First there is Natalie, a sweet 20 year old blonde who I wanted to match up with my nephew James. Just my luck, he just started seeing someone in Orem. Then there is Jessie, the cute little eighteen year old rodeo rider. The word perky was coined for this kid. The guy across the aisle that works on McAfee has been hitting on her, so we have our own little soap opera going on here. David is the 22 year old returned missionary. Bill is the man my age or older who is actually one of the best according to the charts they post daily. I really think this man has worked CSR call center before. He's kind of quiet, but his cubicle is right beside mine, so we're been talking more this week. Part of that is because several of them come to me if they have questions and I'm off the phone.

Ok, stay tuned for chapter two of the people I work with tomorrow. I've had supper, yummy lasagna, and I think I'm gonna get off this computer and do nothing for a while. My phone calls to Rod have been almost non-existent this week, partially because I'm asleep before ten and partially because after being on the computer and the phone all day, I just don't wanna do it when I'm heading to bed. But I assume this relationship will survive that and daily emails will keep us together. So good-night for now.

Old Dog--New Tricks

Who says you can't teach an old dog news tricks? Guess I'm gonna be testing that theory next week. The training today taught us a new system that is going to be so much nicer than what we use. The catch here is it will be when we learn it. I have to use the old system until next Tuesday and then start the new one. So by then I will probably have forgotten everything I learned in training today. But we had a good time in training. Our trainer, Lyn, was a lot of fun and did things so well. We had a lot of hands-on training which is how I learn. Of course, we also got this 50 lb book that we can use as reference. Well, maybe not 50 lbs but it is about 850 pgs. So we better know what to do cuz it could take us 1/2 hr to look something up.

I realized today something new about myself. Well, actually I've started figuring this out with this job. But it became a lot more clear today. And I'm sure everybody has this problem to some extent. Ok, I'll just blurt it out. I don't like to feel or look stupid. And I'm starting to realize how that fact has kept me back for a lot of my life. Looking back I've realized how often I have just avoided doing something if there is a risk I'll look stupid or foolish. I've gotten better at what I call 'faking it.' Which means I can sort of bluff my way through. If that doesn't work, I can usually turn it around by laughing at myself. But I haven't figure out how to do that on the phone. Without enough mentors at work this past two weeks, I've had plenty of 'stupid' moments which adds to my stress level and then I end up going brain-dead and feeling stupid again. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not sure where this came from. Perhaps from a mother to whom nothing was ever quite 'good enough.' If I got b's, I was told that with a little effort I could have gotten a's. I was never quite good enough, thin enough, smart enough. I know she didn't do that deliberately, but she did it.

So what is the solution to this? I haven't a clue, but now that I've recognized it I can work on it. At our meeting last Friday one of the things brought out in the video with Father Murphy was that we can't fix a problem unless we recognize it. Now I have to work on it both in my professional and personal life. Because it has affected both. How hard has it been for me to change jobs because I have to relearn and might feel stupid while I'm learning. And how often have I not shared something with Rod because I was afraid he would think I was stupid. He has never made me feel that way, but I have made myself feel that way. So I don't share my feelings or thoughts and then get upset later because he doesn't have a clue how I feel.

So if the first step to recovery is to acknowledge you have a problem, I guess I'm on the road to recovery on this issue. Cool!

Addictions and Dependencies

Ok, I did plan on writing more about the thoughts that have run through my head since attending the meeting with Brandon on Friday, although I guess it didn’t sound like it. I was just trying to put everything in words. But sometimes I just have to put my thoughts down on paper instead cuz they don’t seem to work in my head. In fact, most of the time if I leave them to run around unchecked in my head, they go nuts. So I’ve been thinking about it in my spare time (what’s that?) and then today I had a phone call from a friend. We don’t talk much except chatting once in a while to catch up on our lives.

He’s in the middle of a really hard relationship with a woman he loves. She kept trying to get a divorce from her husband but he wouldn’t give it to her. She moved away, came back and is now back together with him because she just knows he’s changed. She asked Gene to go to an Al-Anon meeting. He was late to the meeting and so it had started. She was across the room so he just took an empty seat.

Part of the discussion was talking about a monkey trap. The way to trap a monkey is to get a box, put a piece of fruit in it, close the box up totally, cut a crack in the top of the box. The monkey comes along, smells the fruit and puts his hand in the crack. He grabs the fruit in his fist and tries to take his hand out. But he can’st because his hand is now too big. The moneky won’t let go and you can catch him with his hand in the monkey trap.

Ok, Gene sat there like he’d been slapped up the side of his head, looked across the room at the long, red-headed woman and thought ‘there’s my monkey trap.’ So after the meeting he talked to her and told her what he had realized and that he had to get his hand out of the trap and walked away.

It was kind of ironic that he and I both had gone to that kind of a meeting this week. After the Family Week meeting we had to feel out a questionnaire about our experiences that week and what we thought of it. Some things I couldn’t grade because I had only gone one night. But at the top we had to put our relationsip to the client (Brandon) and check if we are an addict or co-dependent. Well, I checked both of them. So many of the things they talked about hit me hard. We talked about grieving and the stages of grief. We talked about addictions no matter what the addiction is: alcohol, drugs, food or sometimes in my case, men. Or is that the fear of being alone? Yeah, how much of my current relationship is due to my fear of being alone? Many times, especially when I’ve been working, I could have gotten my own apartment. But instead I have stayed living with either my Mom or my kids no matter how bad it got because I’d rather do that insteazd of being alone. And how much of my relationship with Rod is due to not wanting to be alone when I finally quit living with my kids. He has told me that he knows part of it a year ago was that he was my escape from the bad times at Mom’s.

For the first time in years I’m excited about my life and my future. I mentioned some of the goals I’m making. I intend to start the computer classes next month. I’m gonna start with one and then see if I can go to two the next time. If I can only take one every six weeks, it will take me forever to get them done. Plus I’ve got to start saving all my extra money which means no shopping trips to Walmart for a while. I need to either get my car fixed or save for another one. Plus I need my own place. I’m actually so excited about that.

One of the comments to my post was: “I've realized I have a real fear of dependancies. I don't want to become dependant on my therapy light, I don't want to become dependant on a man, or on another student to do their part of the assignment.” And I realized that is part of my problem. I’ve reached the point in my relationship that I’m enjoying things the way they are. I’ve spent the last month doing really good, not going loopy. And then this past week things got bad again.

Actually maybe I need to say it started a couple of weeks ago, but I’ve done pretty good at staying ok with it. It started when Rod had the wedding reception to go to. He talked about hating to go alone, and I suggested that I leave here after work at Saturday and go with him and then have Sunday dinner with him and his kids. He sort of brushed it off and didn’t seem to like the idea at all. He did say ‘do you really want to have dinner with the kids?” I said ‘why don’t you invite me someday and find out.” He said “ok, someday I will.” Yeah, that elusive ‘someday.’ That whole relationship is based on someday.

Then Rod wrote me an email about how he didn’t like the idea of going alone to the reception and thoughts about that. All I could think of was ‘well, I offered to go, but I guess I’m just not good enough.’ On the phone I made some comment about knowing my place. It was getting late and I got his usual ‘it’s too late to talk about this.’ Yeah, that’s his response when he doesn’t want to talk about something.

So I’ve been doing some thinking lately about “my place.” I have made him or let him be involved in my life and the lives of my kids and grandkids. And it seems like I’m good enough to be part of his life but only the parts that he wants me to be. If makes me feel like Im’ just not good enough to be around his friends or his kids. My place is sort of the back-street girlfriend.

We spent so much time talking when I was out there those few days when Rod had the carbon monoxide poisoning. I thought we got so much out in the open, and I came back feeling like there really was a future for us. But it seems like when Rod gives me some encouragement about that, it scares him or something and then he ends up backing away. When I got this job he talked about how I could work into management and transfer to Salt Lake next year and be out there. Then the other day I said something about it, and he asid ‘well, they have an office in Orem too, so you could work there.’ Guess that shows me how much he wants me to be with him.

I’m not sure if it’s an addiction, co-dependency or just this fear of being alone that drives me. I want a chance to be on my own and be my own boss. But then Rod gives me some encouragement like we’re gonna have a future and I jump on it. Or I end up really missing him and wanting to be with him, and so when he says something that’s just teasing I take it wrong. Last night I said to him that lately it seems like being with him is right and being away is wrong. I actually have felt so homesick being away from him. I want to be at his little apartment with him. And his response to my comment was ‘maybe it is.’ Not ‘it is right to be with me,’ it was that wonderful maybe that I hate so much.

So where does this go from here? I haven't a clue. Did venting help? Yeah, it did. So I guess something got accomplished. Now it's bedtime and time to quit thinking. Goodnight all!

Family Week:

I did end up going to the last night of Brandon's family week. It was so good, I wish I would have gone all week. I asked if he has to do this again before he graduates from the program. He said no, and I said why not, I want to go again. It gave me a lot to think about about my own life. Brandon and I have talked about addictions in our lives. I have realized that I just replace one addiction with another whether it be alcohol, men or food. I think I'm going to do some more learning about AA and apply those principles in my life. And I do know that I want Lala to go to meetings with Brandon. She needs it for her addiction although when I tried to talk to her about it, she said no. But we'll see.

Another day at work today and it's my Friday. I still don't know if I train on Monday. I need to find out so I don't show up and get told to go home. Tuesday training is mainly for the night shift because it goes until 11:30 pm, and there is no way I can stay up that late. But Monday is my day off, so if I go to training I'm hoping they'll give me another day off. I'm told they don't want to give overtime, so I'm sure they will.

Ok, home from work, already hit Walmart, had supper and now have laundry to do. Wow, exciting night tonight. Then I have tomorrow off and work six days straight. I get to go to the training Monday and they have approved overtime for it. So payday will be nice, so I should have money to spend on the grandkids when I go to Colorado next month.

All the Days of My Life

Best Day so Far
Wow, could it really be that today was the best day I've had at work? Well, since training anyway. It was a little frustrating this morning when I couldn't get ahold of a mentor for help. In fact, for about 1/2 hr I was ready to walk out and find another job. But again I survived. Hey, I guess I am a survivor. (queue Gloria Gaynor here)
We did get one guy from Orem today, Steve somebody instead of Phil. He didn't talk to us though just spent the day in a huddle with Kailan. And today was the second favorite workday in a month because today was PAYDAY! Yeah, gotta love it. I have now cashed the check and have to figure out which bills are due. But for now it's supper time and then off to the graduation of Family Week for Brandon. I haven't gone all week, but thought I should show my support tonight. By then it will be bedtime and another day tomorrow. And tomorrow is my Friday!

All the Days of My Life

Pretty Good Day
Today was a lot smoother than yesterday. The morning was actually slow. Crystal lent me a book, and I got about half of it read. But thank heavens I speeded up this afternoon. I woke up excited to go to work, so that was a really good sign. I was tired when I got off, but that was as much the night ahead as anything.
Tommy had swim lessons and Monique had volleyball again. And this time I had to take Max, but with a stroller he was wonderful. Now they're all settled in for the night, and I think I deserve a long bubble bath. So goodnight, all.

Hey, this blogging stuff in hard. Do I really have to give each blog a different title? Hmm, maybe I could just number the days, one, two, etc. Oh, well, I won't worry about the title today. I'll just write.

Today was another interesting day. I love the actually talking to the customers and helping them out. But then we found out that part of the things we learned in training was wrong, and that is why things aren't going right. I was able to talk to a couple of mentors in Orem and I actually learned quite a bit. Plus I did have one installer ask for my name and tell me that I was a lot of help. Wow, now if he'd just pass that on.

I spent the morning relearning how to use a 'real' phone as opposed to the soft phone. And just when that went going good, back to the other phone. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Did I just call myself a dog? Whoops.

We're supposed to be able to fix the problem or issue as quickly as possible. I did spend way too long on a phone call with a woman in Las Vegas who wasn't getting her channels. With a lot of help from a very nice mentor named Craig, I finally got it fixed, she has all her channels, she is absolutely ecstatic and I was very proud of myself.

Phil from Orem is coming up on Friday to work with us. That will be nice and hopefully we can learn what we're doing wrong. And even nicer will be if he tells us we're doing something right. All in all, I'm actually enjoying my job despite all the challenges. And when I actually do something right, I pat myself on the back and move on.

I have the house to myself tonight which is wonderful. Makes me realize I do need my own place where I can come home to peace and quiet. So I'm gonna add that to my list of goals along with taking the computer classes. Hmmm, good idea for a blog. The goals I'm making in my life. Cool, I'll use that when I'm stumped for an idea or having such a good day at work I don't need to vent. Yeah!

Toughest Day so Far

Ok, today was by far the toughest day I've had at this new job. I started on March 6 as a customer service representative. I guess I shouldn't tell who I work for since this is gonna be a vent against management or somebody in charge. Is there anybody in charge? I guess that's the question, cuz there sure ain't anybody in charge in our office.
I work in a call center and take calls for a TV service. Training went well although I wasn't ready to get on those phones. But I managed to muddle through with lots of help and lots of questions. Then I showed up at work Friday and found that our trainer had quit. Yep, quit! Well, we managed to muddle through Friday and Saturday with helping each other and calling the Utah office constantly. They ended up answering the phone and saying "you again?" But all in all, it wasn't too bad. Then there was today.
I got there today to find that our extra help from the other office wasn't coming. Why? Who knows? So the one Team Lead we had was run ragged and is close to quitting. Wow, I can't wait until tomorrow. Oh, and let's not forget that the phones started burping this afternoon or something. So while I was talking to a customer, the phone would ring through another call, cut the first customer off and conenct the second.
Now I'm home from work and I get to go to Tommy's swim lessons and Monique's volleyball practice. And then I get sleep and start over tomorrow. And as my darling Scarlett says (fake southern accent here) "tomorrow is another day." (fade out)

All the Days of My Life

All the Days of My Life

Ok, this might be tougher than I thought. I have to figure out how to write add something to this. Hmmm, wonder if this will work.

The beginning

Several of my friends have starting blogging, some successfully and some not too well. I need a place to put my thoughts and memories of my very interesting life. Well, it's interesting to me and possibly someday my grandchildren. So here this goes. Now if I can just remember I have it and keep writing. I was once told my life is like a soap opera, hence the title. So each post will be another episode. Stay tuned for more.