Alone again

Happy Anniversary, Howard. Today would have been 31 years together married. Wow, I can't believe that. It doesn't seem that long ago since we eloped. I would love to sit home and look at our wedding pictures, but I don't have a clue where they are. I do have one on the computer, so I'll open it and remember how handsome you were. I fell in love with you that very first day I met you. You had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. We had a roller coaster marriage, but I only remember the good times now. Guess that is one of the advantages of you being gone. It makes my memories only seen through rose colored glasses.

I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.

Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.

Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............

Perfection

Did you know that the traitto be a perfection is not a good one? Did you know that being a power-hungry control freak is bad? Well, if you did, good for you. But I'm learning how bad those traits are in my life, and how much I screw things up being this way.

Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.

I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.

Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'

I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.