Sixteen years

First off I have to say that this post might not be suited for everybody. And I don't want it to sound like I just write sad, depressing posts. So feel free to skip this one. I started this blog as an outlet for my emotional roller coaster life. For a long time only a couple of people knew about it, and even they didn't read it often. When some started reading this, I thought long and hard about continuing it. Not that I write anything that I would be totally mortified if they read, but this is more for me and therapy for what I go through. It's not written with an audience in mind. I do like getting comments, but I don't want to have to constantly think about that when I'm writing. Anyway, here goes:

I got to work today and looked at the date to put on some paperwork. My first thought when I realized it was Oct 15th was'who's birthday is it? It's something today." And then it hit me that sixteen years ago today Howard died. I don't go back and read previous blogs often, so I don't know what I've written before. And I'm not going to. I'm just writing how I feel right now Oct 15, 2008. For so many years after that day, I couldn't function on this day, I could barely breathe. I finally learned to just take the day off work rather than go there and fall apart and then have to go home. And today it snuck up on me, and I made it through the whole day. I admit I had to turn the radio off once, but that was ok. And I'm proud of myself for getting through this. It's not that it hurts any less than it did the day he died, it's just that I've learned to deal with the pain. I've learned how to distract myself from it when I'm around other people. I hate cliches, but I've also learned that time does help. I thought that I would get online and write about my memories of that day. But now that I'm here I realize I don't want to.

I want to go home, eat supper and spend some time just enjoying the memories. We had fifteen years together. There were some bad times and good times. Every marriage has those. But he was a good man, and I miss him. And I always will.

First Snow Winter'08

I'm watching Lala's kids this morning with a couple of extras. They are so excited about the first snowstorm of the winter. And it is actually a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the snow is melting (that excites me) and they had to go build a snowstorm.

Living in the Moment

My Dad used to say that he would enjoy fall a lot more if it didn't mean winter was coming soon. And he didn't like the winter. He was a man who loved being outdoors in nature especially up the canyon. I guess I'm a lot like my dad. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. It means warm weather is coming soon, it's not cold, it's not yet hot. And this year summer didn't stay long enough.

But around the end of August I decided to try something new this year. I was determined to enjoy every last second of fall and not think about the cold coming. We made a couple trips to Vernal. The canyons on the way are always so beautiful with the changing colors of the leaves. I wish I was a better photographer because I would have loved to be able to capture the colors of green, yellow, orange and red. However, for those rides I just lived in the moment of looking at how beautiful they were. I then said something that shows how much I live in the future. I asked Lala if the leaves turn in Evanston or do they just fall off the tree. At that point, I honestly couldn't remember noticing the leaves changing colors here in town. But I have now.

About a week ago I had to walk into my apartment complex from the road due to some work on the parking lot. As I walked around the side of the building taking the shortcut, I walked past some bushes. They had turned the most gorgeous shade of red. I thought about coming back and cutting some of them and putting them in my apartment. Would they stay pretty very long? I wasn't sure, so I just stood there admiring their beauty, living in the moment.

I have had car problems the last couple of months. I only drive to and from work. So I take sandwich fixin's and keep in the fridge. But if I eat in my office, I end up answering the phone. So I eat in my car. And I enjoy every moment of sunshine, sometimes opening a window partway to feel the cool breeze.

Today is feeling more like winter, but somehow it isn't as horrible to know it is coming. Maybe that's because I've had a wonderfully lovely fall.

The Way We Were

Sometimes the hardest part of blogging is coming up with an appropriate title. Other times the title comes and then you have to figure out what to write about it. Read on, and maybe you will figure out the title. Or maybe I will tell you at the end.

I talked to my sister this morning on the phone. She asked me if I was going to wish her a happy anniversary. My goodness, they have been married 38 years. Or was it 39? It's a long time, and they deserve such congratulations on making it together that long.

But the thought that hit me was that today could have been my anniversary too. When Rod and I were getting to know each other and were trying to sit a date, he just opened his mouth and out came "Oct 8th." Looking back, I think it popped out cuz it was so far away. I honestly think the whole proposal was a mistake on his part, that it just slipped out. Because the whole time were were engaged there were problems. Everything from believing it was real and planning moving me to Salt Lake City to him not wanting anybody in his family to even know we were dating let alone engaged. But that is a whole other story.

We did have some good times. And I have no regrets whatsoever. I am glad he was in my life the way he was. I don't feel bad that the marriage didn't happen. I think it would have been a mistake, but the things he taught me weren't. He was so good at making me think and stretch my brain. I still miss that sometimes, and come close to picking up the phone. But our lives have gone their separate ways.

Now as to the title of this blog: not only do I remember the way we were with a smile on my face, it is also his favorite movie. Of course, for those of you who have seen it, Robert Redford does not get Barbra Streisand. But the memories are there, and they are good ones.