Forgiveness

If I asked how many times we are to forgive someone, a half forgotten scripture comes to mind. Something along the lines of forgiving seven times seven and that the Lord will forgive who He will. I could take the time to look it up, but at this point I just need to let my feelings spill out through my fingers onto this page.

I am so good at telling other people what to do and giving them wonderful, wise advice. Yeah, right. Then some thing happens in my own life and I think 'hmm, guess that works for others, but definitely not for me.'

I was raised by a wise mother who told us that we would get punished for doing something wrong. But the punishment would be worse if we lied about what we did wrong. I tried to instill that teaching in my own children. I don't think it took very well. But that could be because it was more a case of 'do what I say, not what I do.' My kids have seen me tell white lies and not complete truths when I think the truth will hurt someone. Maybe even other times. But I guess I hold others to a higher standard. I don't want to be lied to. My kids have learned that sometimes it's better to just not tell Mom something if it's going to upset her or make her mad. They've seen me do the same with my Mom.

Although I understand the principal of forgiveness and how we are to forgive others I guess my question is at what point do we say "I forgive you, but I can no longer stay in this situation because of the dishonesty." I tried to make him understand that with every lie my belief in what he says grows weaker until I don't believe anything he says. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf. My trust is gone, and I don't know if it can be won back. I don't know if I want it back. No, what happened wasn't a huge thing, it might not even be a bump in the road in some marriages. But it is a big thing to me.

The thought that have been going through my head this weekend is when is enough enough. Do I stay and continually listen to "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. It was stupid of me to do it." Because at this point I don't think it will stop. I think every few months it will happen, the fighting will start, the apologies will be given, a few days will go by, and things will go back to normal. Does he keep doing this because he knows I will eventually forgive him and come back? If I don't stick to my guns will he ever learn to stop?

I love him. I really do. But can I live this way? Do I say ok, if you do it one more time, I'm gone? I believe I said that last time. When do I stick to my word? When do I walk away? When do I tear my heart out of my chest and leave? Actions speak louder than words. When he chooses to sneak behind my back and think it's ok cuz he won't get caught, to me the message is I care more for this than I do for you.

I can talk until I'm blue in the face. I just don't have the answers. All I have is the pain and heartache of making a decision.

Happy Anniversary

Four months ago tonight I married this wonderful man. Every time I start to blog I end up going back to see what I've already written. But not this time. I'm going to just write how I feel right now, today, at this very second. So I have no clue what I've blogged about Mike before. I also end up going back and writing the background so if anyone is reading it, they can understand today. Nope, not doing that either.

This wedding was a long time coming. Mike told me once that he knew shortly after we met that he was going to marry me. He was just waiting to be sure I was going to stick. Smart man. These past four months have been hard. They have been rough. Some days have even been hell. Most of that is because of me. The reasons behind that are going to be left for another blog. Right now I just want to say that four months ago today I woke up knowing I was getting married and that I was doing the right thing. There was no hesitation, no fear. I had waited a long time for this man to ask me.

In so many ways Mike has made so many of my dreams come true. We have a home. Mike would do anything in his power to make me happy. So he's let me come into this home and disrupt his life making it a place that I feel good about. I have loved changing things around, adding a 'woman's touch' and filling it with house plants. I enjoyed the little things. I love leaving for work and knowing I'm coming home to Mike. I love the drive home to our home. I love waking up next to him and spending a few minutes cuddling. I love ending each day with his arm wrapped around me. No matter how bad my day is, if I can end it with my head on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around me, it ends well. But I have found out the hard way that if things aren't good between us, I can't handle anything. The opposite is also true. If things are good between us, I can handle the rest of the world. (Note to self: come back and read this often).

Over the past year and a half I have seen Mike change and evolve. Tonight we ate dinner and he just left to go help his brother unload hay. He's tired, but he knew he was needed and he went. I have watched him open up and blossom and become such an incredible man. He still continues to surprise me with his actions, and I think he always will. He is so much more than almost anybody else realizes. And more than anything, when I'm not being stupid, he makes me happy. Enough said!

Changes

I've decided it's time to start blogging again. However, I plan for this to be a little bit more than just what is going on with my life. At least not the day to day stuff. I don't know if anybody follows my blog. But most of my life writing things down has been therapy to me. So this blog is for me. Anybody who happens to read it is more than welcome. And maybe somebody will read something that will hit a chord in them. There might be posts that will make you uncomfortable. There might be posts that are hard to read. I hope there won't be posts that will offend anyone. But as the title says, these are the days of my life. It's been a rough journey so far. I'm not sure it will ever get any easier. But it's my journey. So if anyone is reading this and following, buckle your seat belts. It could be a bumpy ride.

Learnng from Generatons Past

This morning Spencer woke me up before 5 am. He said "mom, can I say something?" I said 'sure'. He said "I love you. I just want to say thank you for all you're doing for us right now." Well, hearing something like that made it worth being woke up. Now I can't go back to sleep, and I wanted to write a few of my feelings right now.

I was so blessed to have such a wonderful family. My parents have always been there for me no matter what. A friend told me the other day that with God there are no coincidences. Things happen for a reason. And I truly believe that. I was told of something that happened to my Grandma Richins years ago. It truly shaped my Grandma and Mom's behavior regarding family.

When my Grandma was just a few months pregnant with her third child, her husband died of the flu. She was living in Vernal and her parents were in Tremonton. Now this is what I remember of the story. I hope I have the facts straight. Grandma didn't know what to do, so she wrote her Mom to say she needed to come back home for some help. She was all ready to leave when she got a letter in response. Her Mom wrote to tell her not to come home. Not sure exactly why she did this. But Grandma stayed in Vernal and did the best she could with those three little kids. I think the experience taught her two things. She became one of the strongest women I've ever known. But it also taught her to always be there for her own kids no matter what the circumstances.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. And there were times I know my Mom wasn't happy with me and probably didn't like me very much. But I always knew she loved me. And she was always there for me. Many times when things in my life got tangled she would tell me to come home and she would help me. My parents taught me what unconditional love really means.

The biggest lesson I learned was to always try to be there for my kids. Even when they were grown up. I had a woman at the hospital tell me the other day that her mother in law was never there for her. She said it was nice of me to be there for Amy. I told her that Amy is as close to me as my own daughters. Amy has called me Mom since before she and Spencer were married. I have said I don't have a choice but to do whatever I have to for Spencer, Amy and the boys. I guess I do have a choice. But it is one I wouldn't or couldn't make. Because of my Mom's beautiful example, I do whatever I need to do to be there for them, to take care of the boys so both Amy and Spencer don't have to worry. And I don't regret my choices.

Things happen for a reason. With God there are no coincidences. It may take us days to realize that. Or it may take us years to finally find the reason behind something happening. Or we may never know in this life. But we just need to have faith and know that God is watching over us. And we need to learn the lessons from generatons past.

Until Our Wedding

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