If I asked how many times we are to forgive someone, a half forgotten scripture comes to mind. Something along the lines of forgiving seven times seven and that the Lord will forgive who He will. I could take the time to look it up, but at this point I just need to let my feelings spill out through my fingers onto this page.
I am so good at telling other people what to do and giving them wonderful, wise advice. Yeah, right. Then some thing happens in my own life and I think 'hmm, guess that works for others, but definitely not for me.'
I was raised by a wise mother who told us that we would get punished for doing something wrong. But the punishment would be worse if we lied about what we did wrong. I tried to instill that teaching in my own children. I don't think it took very well. But that could be because it was more a case of 'do what I say, not what I do.' My kids have seen me tell white lies and not complete truths when I think the truth will hurt someone. Maybe even other times. But I guess I hold others to a higher standard. I don't want to be lied to. My kids have learned that sometimes it's better to just not tell Mom something if it's going to upset her or make her mad. They've seen me do the same with my Mom.
Although I understand the principal of forgiveness and how we are to forgive others I guess my question is at what point do we say "I forgive you, but I can no longer stay in this situation because of the dishonesty." I tried to make him understand that with every lie my belief in what he says grows weaker until I don't believe anything he says. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf. My trust is gone, and I don't know if it can be won back. I don't know if I want it back. No, what happened wasn't a huge thing, it might not even be a bump in the road in some marriages. But it is a big thing to me.
The thought that have been going through my head this weekend is when is enough enough. Do I stay and continually listen to "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. It was stupid of me to do it." Because at this point I don't think it will stop. I think every few months it will happen, the fighting will start, the apologies will be given, a few days will go by, and things will go back to normal. Does he keep doing this because he knows I will eventually forgive him and come back? If I don't stick to my guns will he ever learn to stop?
I love him. I really do. But can I live this way? Do I say ok, if you do it one more time, I'm gone? I believe I said that last time. When do I stick to my word? When do I walk away? When do I tear my heart out of my chest and leave? Actions speak louder than words. When he chooses to sneak behind my back and think it's ok cuz he won't get caught, to me the message is I care more for this than I do for you.
I can talk until I'm blue in the face. I just don't have the answers. All I have is the pain and heartache of making a decision.
