I made it through the rain

I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain

I kept my point of view

I made it through the rain

and found my self respected

by the others who got rained on too

and made it through

I am ordered a link for my braclet that say I'm a survivor. When I told Rod about it, he responded that if anybody asked me what I"ve survived I'd have to pick which one I'd tell them. That is so true. I've survived a lot in my life. I'm sitting here at lunch listening to my MP3 player and this song came on. Wow, I've made it through the rain. I've made it through the rain, the wind, the snow, the sleep, the hail and almost anything else life has thrown at me.

But if I was writing the song I would have to change those words. Because as i listened I realized that after getting through the rain I've found something more important than the self respected of others who have survived. For the first time in a long time (perhaps my whole life) I have self-respect. I feel good about what I'm doing in my life and the choices I'm making. And what a difference that makes. Wow, what I could have done if I would have realized that years ago. How many books have been written on changing ourselves, changing the outside, changing our environment, changing our appearnce, changing our weight, changing our organizational skills. And this time I simply ignored all that and changed myself inside.

In April conference Pres. Hinckley quoted the poem entitled The Road Less Traveled. I'm going to find that and print it out. Because right now what is going through my head is the last line that says "and that has made all the difference." Suits how I feel about changing myself inside right now. I haven't always taken the right road. In fact, seldom have I done that. But the changes I've made inside, no matter how small, have made all the difference.

Life is Amazing

It seems that I've spent the last 49 years of my life always wanting what I can't have. And in the past 1 1/2 years I've done everything I can to get what I want, or at least what I thought I wanted. But for the first time in all those years I think I've gotten what I wanted or at least a big part of it. But instead of being happy for about two seconds and then wanting something else or something more, I'm content. I'm actually ok with things the way they are today, right now. It just took me a long time to figure out what it really was that I wanted. A big part of that was getting past the fear of being alone to realize what I need is to grow up and take care of myself and quit expecting other people to do it for me. Years ago a very wise man told me that I needed to be happy with myself before I could be truly happy. Ok, Howard, I get it now!

Independence is such an interesting concept. We spent most of our childhood, at least the teenage years, waiting to grow up, get out of our parents house and be independent. I guess I never really had that. Oh, I don't mean the wanting, I mean the getting. I went from being daughter to wife to mother without a real identity of my own. The most indepdent I ever was would have to be the few months I attended college. But then the fear of the unknown kept me going home to Dad and Mom each and every weekend. I remember sitting in a class, this young 18 year old know-it-all listening to all the women who were probably the age I am now. They were old! Their advice to us was get your education and be able to support yourself if you ever need to. I thought it was good advice and planned to follow it. Then a few months down the road I quit school and ran off and got married. Two years later I was divorced with a baby and another on the way so back to Dad and Mom I went. They took care of me until I again became a wife. A death should have given me some independence but it didn't, and again I got into a marriage to have someone to take care of me. Although circumstances made me do as much 'taking care of' as the other way around, I still had that emotional side that was being taken care of. When another death brought that to an end, did I say "Wow, I'm grown up, I can do this." No, I moved in with Angela then Mom and then Spencer. Now I'm with Priscilla. That small taste of freedom I had for the two weeks I had my own place scared me to death. But now I dream about that time and want it back. For the first time in my life I welcome independence and taking care of myself.

So the next step must be to get my financial situation in order so I can get my own place. I like the idea of perhaps someday down the road having a man to take care of me and to be able to take care of him. But not right now. Right now it's my time. Time for Susan to figure out who she is and to do things for herself. This long distance relationship is a big part of this, but it's also giving me the freedom to be able to do it. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?

Quick One

Tonight has to be a short blog. It's almost bedtime which sure comes earlier since I started working. This old brain needs more sleep to work than it used to. (Emphasis on the old part) But the last two days have been good at work. We've finally figured otu what we're doing. Of course, the new system is still due to come online Monday morning, so next week will bring new challenges. But I'm enjoying what I do.

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day even in Evanston. It got slow at work, no calls, and they had to send people home early. I got asked about it, and I choose to go home. I went home, changed clothes and headed to the park with a book, my mp3 player and my soda. It was beautiful. The grass is turning green, the wind wasn't too cold. So I laid there and enjoyed the smell of the grass. Eventually the wind got too cold, so I moved to the car with the windows down. Most of the time I didn't even read, just sit there and thought about my life. It's good right now. I'm happy with myself and my life.
That showed me that I need more 'me' time. I've always had a hard time being alone with the silence and just my thoughts. So I'm going to end with the thought on my daily calendar: When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate!

I have a lot to blog about today, but I'm too tired. It was an interesting stressful, hilarious day at work. Our new system is still not up, our old system isn't working, nobody knew for sure what we were doing, customers were upset and installers were worse. But somehow I kept my sense of humor today mainly bcause we were all in this together. And I got through which makes me feel wonderful. Tired but wonderful. So I want to share a couple of things. This quote is wonderful and fits really well with my life right now. And this website is pretty cool.

"Think about your life and set your priorities.
Find some quiet time regularly to think deeply about where you are going and what you will need to do to
get there. Jesus, our exemplar, often 'withdrew
himself into the wilderness, and prayed' (Luke 5:16). We need to do the same thing occasionally to
rejuvenate ourselves spiritually as the Savior
did.
Write down the tasks you would like to accomplish each day. Keep foremost
in mind the sacred covenants you have made with the Lord as you write down your
daily schedules." M. Russell Ballard

I'm definitely going to spend this Sunday afternoon
by myself withdrawing and doing some major thinking and rejuvenation.

And now for the website. Have fun.
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

What next?

What's next in my life? What changes am I making? Right now I can't name specifics. I just know I'm tired of not getting what I want and more, not even trying for what I want. I also know I'm not gonna rush into these changes. I'm going to take time and make a plan. I do know that I'm not going to let anybody hold me back, no matter who they are. It's time I lived the life I know I can, the life I deserve to have. If anybody holds me back or gets in my way or doesn't believe in me, I won't kick them out; but I may choose to spend less time with them. I need the love, the support and the help of people who care about me.
For the first time in years, I like myself. I've made some good changes in the past couple of years. And I'm going to keep working on those. I know that going back to work has been good for me. I've got to work on money especially my spending of money which I do so well, and my saving of money which I don't do. I do want to get my own place, but I'm not in a big hurry. If I can stay here and get some bills paid and try to get a running car, that will work. And I know that I want to enroll in some internet classes. I want to continue to learn, so I can feel more confident and be able to get a better job. I don't know how long I'm going to be in Evanston, maybe the rest of my life. That isn't in my hands, it's in the Lord's hands. My job there is to stay in tune and listen. If I do that, I'll know where I go next.
The biggest change, and the one I'm going to work on even harder are the spiritual changes I've made. I've realized I can't let a day go by without scriptures and prayer. I hate going to church alone, but I'm getting better at that. It's time to accept that I might easily be going alone the rest of my life, and that's ok too.
One thing I've always wanted to do is travel even if it's just visiting my kids and grandkids. My mini-goal is to be able to attend the baptism of all my grandkids. So that involves a trip to Alabama next January. And all the other goals are going to help that happen.
But the biggest changes of all are happening inside me. I can only do so much about the outside influences. I want to end with a quote that showed up in my inbox this morning. Seems to sum up the changes I'm going to be making.

"Between whatever happens to me and my response to it is a space.

In that space is my freedom and power to choose my response.

And in my response lay my growth and happiness."

- Stephen Covey

Ok, fair warning here. This blog is all about death. There’s nothing quite like facing mortality and the possibility of your own death to feel like you’ve been slapped up the side of the head. It sure gets your attention and makes you take stock of your life, where you are and where you want to be. Makes you realize that where you want to be is not always where you are heading unless you make some changes.

I’ve had a few moments in the past few years when I felt like I was being given a warning to change my lifestyle. A few episodes where I had some health problems that could be serious or could just be my imagination or a panic attack. Two or three times when I was taken out of Walmart in a wheelchair. I’m never been too fond of going to medical doctors. That’s mostly because of the cost. But after one episode at Walmart I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus.

Let’s back this up a few years and mention the fact that I’ve never felt like I was going to live to be very old. In fact, as odd as this might sound, a couple of weeks ago I had this very strong feeling that a wedding to Rod is never gonna be in my future because I’m not going to be around by the time he decides what he wants or is ready for it. Now I realize the definition of old varies from person to person. Heaven knows, when I was 18 I couldn’t imagine being 25. And now I’m a few months short of fifty or half a century—yuck! Of course, with my lifestyle, why would I live to be old? But lately the feeling has come back. And this week it got stronger. I had a few symptoms that could be either mild or bad, and I figured I’d just ignore it unless it got bad. But Wednesday at work I just lost it. All of a sudden I got scared to death and shaky and started to cry. I just got up, locked my stuff up and told Barb that I wasn’t feeling good and needed to go home. I actually drove to the hospital and sit outside the ER for a while before turning around and going home. I told myself that if it got worse, I’d go to the hospital. Things didn’t get any worse, but they didn’t get much better. So Friday I ended up at a doctor’s office. After checking me over and an actual EKG, he told me he thinks the problem isn’t my heart, at least not right now. But he had me do a chest x-ray to look at a few other things including my lungs. He gave me a sample inhaler to see if my shortness of breath is my asthma. I have to admit, I think it’s helping. And I got back to work on Saturday.

Well, I guess this led to my two daughters having a talk about their Mom. So Friday afternoon as Lala and I were driving down the road, we got on the subject of death. We laughed and we cried. I told her my feeling of dying young and promised to move into my own place before that happened. She said if I was gonna die she wanted me in her house. We discussed where I want a few of my important things to go. And then we actually discussed a living funeral. I can’t even remember where she heard this, but we decided if I ever find out something is wrong with me, we’re gonna have a party, invite only the people I want and celebrate my life long before anybody gets to talk about me at my funeral. It was actually good for us to have this talk. Lala’s lost too many people in the last few years and has faced too much death. But she’s a lot tougher than she knows she is.

As I said at the beginning, thinking about your own death makes you face the future a little differently. I’ve actually been making some changes and setting some goals for my future however long that is. But I’m also going to start living for today more and not living for tomorrow. I’ve done that for 49 years, but it’s time to stop. A few years ago I heard Tim McGraw’s song “Live Like You Were Dyin” and loved it. Well, it’s time I start doing that in my own life. So watch out world, Susan’s in charge and making some changes!

Happy Anniversary Yesterday

Yesterday would have been my tenth wedding anniversary with Jim. Wow, that means we've now been apart as long as we were married. I did really good yesterday for the most part. I've gotten to where I can hold it together at work. But then, I'm getting very good at 'faking it.' I had to learn to do that when I went to work at 7-11 six weeks after Jim died. Brandon, Lala and I were watching X-Files last night when, for some reason, she made a comment about me liking men with big bellies. I immediately started to cry. She felt bad about it, but it didn't last long. I went to bed shortly after that and shed a few more tears but also fell asleep thinking about the good times. Jim was a good man, and I hope to see him again someday. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the spirit world and just how much they are aware of us and what we're doing. I like to think that both Howard and Jim can see me once in a while, know the changes I've made and are proud of me.

Today was my Friday at work which was nice. It was also a really good day, not too busy, not too slow, time went fast. And I did a lot more troubleshooting than I've done and most of them ended with the customer having everything working. I felt like I'd won the lottery. Wow, what a high those calls were. I had several customers and even a couple of installer pay me compliments. There is one installer in Texas who is a little rude, but most of them are wonderful. And I love that accent. One of them asked if he could somehow get transferred to me because I was so fast. I said I'm not sure if it helps, but I do type at 90 wpm. He laughed and said that must be it, and the guy that he got three times in a row yesterday must have been hitting one letter every fifteen seconds. We had a good laugh over that. Another one told me he likes getting those of us in Wyoming cuz we're so much more helpful and more cheerful than the Utah CSR's. I guess I won't pass that one onto the other office, but I did share it with the CSR's in our office.

Two days off now and lots of plans. So I'm gonna go get a long nights sleep and get started tomorrow. Well, working around conference, of course.