Letting Go

This was written at work a few weeks ago, but somehow I feel the need to post it today.

What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.

I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.

But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.

Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.

And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.

So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?