Being Alone

I am sitting here at my computer listening to all the sad songs I can find and crying my eyes out. And believe it or not, I actually had an epiphany about myself and my life. I have thought a little lately that I might need to get a little professional help dealing with the grief. I know that I am not easy to get along with lately, and I'm suffering from some major depression. I know that my clinging is driving my best friend nuts because I want him with me more than he can be. I hate it when he goes home and leaves me. But tonight I was on the phone with my Mom when he got a call from work about an emergency and had to leave. So that made it easier. I had hoped he would come back over, but he's tired and has a headache. And we did have a nice time together this weekend which I am soooo not going to ruin. So back to the epiphany.

I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.

My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.