More Surviving Part 2

The weekend before the results were due I started to fall apart. I read everything online I could find on breast cancer. Sometimes the internet is a good thing. I overloaded my brain and started thinking of all the things I would have to deal with if the lump was malignant.

Years ago I told Howard that if I ever got breast cancer I would die before I would have a mastectomy. Why is it that women's self esteem seems to be tied to her chest from the time she starts developing? I spent the whole weekend slowly falling apart. So when the doctors office called on Tuesday, I assumed it was to remind me of my appointment on Wednesday. They had told me they wouldn't give results over the phone. That way if I had to come in, I would just assume it was bad. I missed the call and when I called back they were at lunch. It was a pretty tense hour until I could get ahold of someone who knew anything. But then I was told 'we have your results and they are benign!' I actually keep from crying at work. I immediately txted Ang and Lala the results. I didn't tell anybody at work cuz I wanted to tell the rest of my family after work.

I went to the appointment on Wednesday and got more information on the results. I was told I need to have a mammo every year without fail. I have a high risk for more lumps and a slightly higher risk for it to someday be malignant. Will I keep getting the yearly mammo? You bet. Will I choose to have other lumps removed? Yeah, I think I will. I don't know what my decision would have been if this was malignant. I kept saying I would figure that out when I got the results. But I do know that I have so much life left to live and so much to do!

So here's to the rest of my life!!!

More Surviving Pt 1

I have no clue how many people have stumbled upon this blog. I hadn't thought about the fact that when I comment on someone elses blog, it leads them back to me. I hope nothing I say here upsets or offends anyone, but I think most of us blog for ourselves. Call it therapy.

A couple of months ago i realized that I had met my deductible on my insurance, so why not use it. I'm getting old---well, older. My birthday is just over a week away, but that is definitely something for another post. It's been almost two years since I hit the big 5-0 when they suddenly start telling you it's time for this test or that test so I decided to go for it and use the health insurance. I started small. I made an appointment with the lady OB-GYN in town. Now in case anybody is reading this, I highly recommend finding a woman GYN. Wow, it made such a difference. I have had many checkups, have had five kids. I have been known to lay on a doctors table and read a book while getting a pelvic exam. But it is never pleasant. However, with a woman you lay down and about ten seconds later (it seems) she says "ok, all done, sit up." Wow! So I got the pap test which I honestly haven't done for years. The nurse looked at me when I told her how long like I was crazy. I said 'when you have no health insurance and five kids, guess who goes to the doctor?' She recommended a mammogram which I knew was coming. Ok, got that scheduled, got the results from the pap, normal. Cool. I had a mammo about ten years ago when they were doing free ones in Nevada. Ok, piece of cake. Yeah, right.
Imagine my surprise when I got the call that said my mammo results needed to be redone. Something called a spot compression which is fancy talk for 'let's smash a little more to get a better picture.' Ok, my sisters both said they have done this a lot. So I wasn't too worried. Of course, the fact that I was doing another mammo plus an ultrasound had me a little nervous.

Then I walked into the room and saw the x-ray. The lump they had found was bigger than I expected. But I was still feeling pretty confident. I was able to call the radiologist after 3 to get the results rather than wait. I hated calling cuz i was still at work and knew what would happen if the news was bad. So of course, I held together on the phone and then fell apart. He told me that I would have to have surgery as soon as I could to have the lump removed. He said he couldn't say benign or malignant either way, but he wanted the whole lump taken out, not just a needle biopsy. I had already had an appointment with a surgeon in town about the routine colonoscopy. I was very impressed with him, and we had talked about a few tests that would eventually lead to having my hiatal hernia fixed and gall bladder removed. All which would make me feel so much better. Although having a bad gall bladder and constant nausea has helped me lose over ten pounds.

I got the appointment with Dr. O'Connor. Both my girls went with me. And he told me we needed surgery as soon as we could schedule it and explained the whole procedure. This was on the 12th and they said they could do the surgery either Thur or Fri the same week. I choose Friday. I called family and told them what was going on. I was really nervous about the surgery, but I finally realized that was because every other time I've had surgery it was because I was really sick and had no choice. I wasn't worried about the results. At least not then.

Since the 18th

I have had a hard time finding time to post consistently. My intention is to write something at home in the evening and post it when I check my email every morning. Not having internet at the apt is hard. But now I can't use that as the excuse for not getting anything done either. I seem to be spending this week just sort of coasting along. But tonight is my night to spend a lot of time revamping my life, my time and my priorities.

I have decided that there is a reason we have bad times. Ok, I realize anybody reading this has probably already figured this out. But since I'm writing this for me and not that elusive 'anybody' it's ok. I have been not feeling good physically or mentally for a couple weeks now. Well, the last couple of days I'm feeling better. Not 100%, and I'm not sure when I will feel that way again. But let's just say that sometimes you have to feel rotten in order to feel better at all. What are the words to that country song about hitting rock bottom and having nowhere to go but up? I had a good friend read my blog the other day and I do admit there were some depressed entries. Between writing about my son and my husband, it was a little sad and blue. He said I thought you were doing better at stuff like that. Maybe I hadn't done a good job at writing those, because somehow one thing I was trying to say was that every though I was down and being melancholy, I was still better than I have been in the past. I posted about my tendency to be a perfectionist. So just the fact that I can accept the small steps I have made says something about how far I have come.

Not so Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I received a phone call that broke what was left of my heart. A nurse from Utah was called to tell me my 8 year old granddaughter was being flight for lifed to a hospital in SLC, Ut. When I asked her where my son and wife were, she said "I'm sorry to have to tell you, there were no other survivors." No mother should hear those words!

After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'

I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.

But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.

Broken Hearted Me

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it struck a chore in me. I'm putting the lyrics and the words on this. I put on such a face for the world. But this is how I feel inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I

Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.

Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart

No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time

Alone again

Happy Anniversary, Howard. Today would have been 31 years together married. Wow, I can't believe that. It doesn't seem that long ago since we eloped. I would love to sit home and look at our wedding pictures, but I don't have a clue where they are. I do have one on the computer, so I'll open it and remember how handsome you were. I fell in love with you that very first day I met you. You had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. We had a roller coaster marriage, but I only remember the good times now. Guess that is one of the advantages of you being gone. It makes my memories only seen through rose colored glasses.

I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.

Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.

Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............

Perfection

Did you know that the traitto be a perfection is not a good one? Did you know that being a power-hungry control freak is bad? Well, if you did, good for you. But I'm learning how bad those traits are in my life, and how much I screw things up being this way.

Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.

I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.

Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'

I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.