One year ago today I received a phone call that broke what was left of my heart. A nurse from Utah was called to tell me my 8 year old granddaughter was being flight for lifed to a hospital in SLC, Ut. When I asked her where my son and wife were, she said "I'm sorry to have to tell you, there were no other survivors." No mother should hear those words!
After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'
I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.
But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.
2 comments:
I never understood the words "He (or she) is survived by...." until I recently realized, I have survived.
There will always be days where we don't feel like such survivors, but we are.
Each time we have a chance to realize that we have survived helps us to get through those next several days when we wonder how tough we really are.
Keep surviving, Susan, because its survivors like you who help those of us who are following in your footsteps.
oh aunt susan....this was such a poignant post. it made me teary eyed. and yes, you are a survivor. you have survived a lot. and i admire you for it.
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