How You Can Help Me

How appropriate some emails are in their timing. I was talking to Angie last night about her brother. His birthday is tomorrow, and Nick would have turned 30. I know she and Lala have a hard time talking about him. Heck, we all do. But sometimes I do need to talk even when it brings on the tears. I thought this was a good time to post this. Although this was written about losing a spouse, except for a few exceptions, it works for burying a son too.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

"Please talk about him, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that he is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good.

Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on. I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving, and that's different. My grieving may only begin 2 months after his death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had , the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I am in shock. I am afraid. I feel deep rage. I feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be."

I do want to add that there are many kinds of loss and many ways to grieve. But I have truly learned that unless you have went through it, you can't truly understand. I didn't understand how my kids grieved over losing their Dad until my Daddy died four years ago. I've never had a brother let alone lost one, so I can't totally understand what my kids are going through. All I do know is that loss is hard and grief sucks. Thirty years ago today I was in labor knowing I was going to have my third child. Thirty years is not long enough to have them in your life. But I am grateful that I at least had that. There are so many mothers who have less.