First off I have to say that this post might not be suited for everybody. And I don't want it to sound like I just write sad, depressing posts. So feel free to skip this one. I started this blog as an outlet for my emotional roller coaster life. For a long time only a couple of people knew about it, and even they didn't read it often. When some started reading this, I thought long and hard about continuing it. Not that I write anything that I would be totally mortified if they read, but this is more for me and therapy for what I go through. It's not written with an audience in mind. I do like getting comments, but I don't want to have to constantly think about that when I'm writing. Anyway, here goes:
I got to work today and looked at the date to put on some paperwork. My first thought when I realized it was Oct 15th was'who's birthday is it? It's something today." And then it hit me that sixteen years ago today Howard died. I don't go back and read previous blogs often, so I don't know what I've written before. And I'm not going to. I'm just writing how I feel right now Oct 15, 2008. For so many years after that day, I couldn't function on this day, I could barely breathe. I finally learned to just take the day off work rather than go there and fall apart and then have to go home. And today it snuck up on me, and I made it through the whole day. I admit I had to turn the radio off once, but that was ok. And I'm proud of myself for getting through this. It's not that it hurts any less than it did the day he died, it's just that I've learned to deal with the pain. I've learned how to distract myself from it when I'm around other people. I hate cliches, but I've also learned that time does help. I thought that I would get online and write about my memories of that day. But now that I'm here I realize I don't want to.
I want to go home, eat supper and spend some time just enjoying the memories. We had fifteen years together. There were some bad times and good times. Every marriage has those. But he was a good man, and I miss him. And I always will.
3 comments:
This got me to thinking that Chris and I had just started dating when Howard passed away. We have been together for 16 years now. Which would be half of our life time to date. Crazy, huh?
awww...this made me tear up. it's been such a long time. i am glad that you are learning how to deal with the loss. i agree, it doesn't get easier. you don't miss them any less. you just get stronger and are better able to deal. he was a good man and i miss him too. love you.
Isn't that "something about today is important" feeling very bittersweet?
On one hand, it's no longer top of mind, but on the other hand, it's no longer top of mind.
Don't know what else to say except, I understand.
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