Old Dog--New Tricks

Who says you can't teach an old dog news tricks? Guess I'm gonna be testing that theory next week. The training today taught us a new system that is going to be so much nicer than what we use. The catch here is it will be when we learn it. I have to use the old system until next Tuesday and then start the new one. So by then I will probably have forgotten everything I learned in training today. But we had a good time in training. Our trainer, Lyn, was a lot of fun and did things so well. We had a lot of hands-on training which is how I learn. Of course, we also got this 50 lb book that we can use as reference. Well, maybe not 50 lbs but it is about 850 pgs. So we better know what to do cuz it could take us 1/2 hr to look something up.

I realized today something new about myself. Well, actually I've started figuring this out with this job. But it became a lot more clear today. And I'm sure everybody has this problem to some extent. Ok, I'll just blurt it out. I don't like to feel or look stupid. And I'm starting to realize how that fact has kept me back for a lot of my life. Looking back I've realized how often I have just avoided doing something if there is a risk I'll look stupid or foolish. I've gotten better at what I call 'faking it.' Which means I can sort of bluff my way through. If that doesn't work, I can usually turn it around by laughing at myself. But I haven't figure out how to do that on the phone. Without enough mentors at work this past two weeks, I've had plenty of 'stupid' moments which adds to my stress level and then I end up going brain-dead and feeling stupid again. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not sure where this came from. Perhaps from a mother to whom nothing was ever quite 'good enough.' If I got b's, I was told that with a little effort I could have gotten a's. I was never quite good enough, thin enough, smart enough. I know she didn't do that deliberately, but she did it.

So what is the solution to this? I haven't a clue, but now that I've recognized it I can work on it. At our meeting last Friday one of the things brought out in the video with Father Murphy was that we can't fix a problem unless we recognize it. Now I have to work on it both in my professional and personal life. Because it has affected both. How hard has it been for me to change jobs because I have to relearn and might feel stupid while I'm learning. And how often have I not shared something with Rod because I was afraid he would think I was stupid. He has never made me feel that way, but I have made myself feel that way. So I don't share my feelings or thoughts and then get upset later because he doesn't have a clue how I feel.

So if the first step to recovery is to acknowledge you have a problem, I guess I'm on the road to recovery on this issue. Cool!