Happy Anniversary Darling

Yesterday would have been my 30th wedding anniversary if Howard was still alive. As I was drifting off to sleep with tears on my pillow the beginning of this poem came into my head. It was a hard one to write. I still miss him every day, some days more than others.

Thirty years ago we said "I do"
And you’ve been gone from me fifteen
There was twenty-one years before we met
We only had fifteen years in between

I so remember the day we met
And the deep blue of your eyes
I thought we’d have forever
There would never be goodbyes

From that first day we seemed to click
As if you could read my mind
I fell in love so fast and quick
You were so sweet, so good, so kind

Just as fast you felt that way too
In two short days you looked at me
Said you wanted the three of us
To become your family

We quickly planned the wedding
In four months was when we set the date
But we found it did not work for us
We just couldn’t seem to wait

So we got into the car that day
On a sunny August 5^th
An hour ride that seemed so long
The “I do’s” were said so swift

So we made ourselves a family
Through all the ups and downs
There was even lots of packing
For the moves through all the towns

That awful day in October
When the call came on the phone
Little did I really understand
You had left me all alone

I’ve managed to hold onto life
And do the very best I can
With only the sweetest memories
Of a very special man

So, Howard, I need to tell you
Happy Anniversary, my sweet dear
Although I’m celebrating all alone
I can somehow feel you here

How Far I've Come pt 2

When I left this story I had just left work in tears. I keep my cell phone turned off at work or sometimes set it on vibrate. I had some mail to drop off at the post office, so I went and did that. I thought about going back to work to finish my report. I couldn't remember if I had hit save when I shut the computer down. If I didn't, I just lost four hours of work. But the tears were still so close, and I hate crying in front of anybody. So I just decided to go home. As I got here, I picked up my cell and realized I had missed calls and a voice mail. The missed call was from work, so I listened to the voice mail. It was K telling me she was so sorry for what had happened and was I all right. She was worried about me. Then she went on to tell me how much she appreciates what I do and how important I am to the office and she doesn't tell me often enough. I realized then that she was afraid I wasn't coming back. I got my composure and called her back. I really like working for K. The minute I heard her voice the tears returned. I assured her I was ok and would be to work the next morning. She told me that S was sorry and hadn't meant to upset me. I told her I would be there for the 7 am meeting to print out the reports. She said if I wanted to sleep in and come at 8, she and R would do it. I told her I would see how I felt when I woke up, but I would be to work The rest of the evening I kept my ringer on the phone phone off, and about 9 pm checked it and had tons of missed calls from a local number I didn't recognize and a voice mail. The voice mail was from S apologizing for upsetting me and telling me how sorry he was. I was very surprised and glad he had done that.

I did a lot of thinking all night about going to work the nxt morning. I finally got up and got there just before 7 am. The only person there was J who is on call. He immediately got up and asked if I was ok and what had happened the night before. He said he and K had both yelled at S for it. I told him that S had gotten very verbally abusive on the phone, and that because of my past I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up a little, but was able to control it. I told him a little about Mike and the abusive marriage. Then S walked in and headed toward the back of the warehouse. I called him and he turned around. I could tell by his face he was worried about what I was going to say. I told him that I appreciated his apology and as far as I was concerned it was over. He said he was so sorry and had not meant to upset me. I told him I had been in a couple of abusive relationships, and he said that thought had occured to him when he realized how upset I had been. We were able to talk and let it end.

This incident made me realize just how far I have come in my life. A few years ago I would have quit my job over something like this. But I do love my job, not only what I do but the people I work with. I wasn't going t let one little incident ruin that for me. Right now there is so much going on in my personal life and the lives of my kids. My one sanctuary is my job. I wake up on Monday morning glad to do to work. As the old commercial said "you've come a long way, baby."

How Far I've Come

I had an incident happen in work this week that ended with me walking out of work early in tears. That part of it I'm gonna chalk up to menopause. Which, in itself, is a whole nother blog. I'm a lot moodier and teary-eyed lately. And it seems sometimes there is no logic to what sets me off. But this one took me totally by surprise.

I don't want to make this a long, boring blog. But I think I'm the only one who reads it, so I guess that's ok. Background is that I work for an oilfield supply company. We buy anything an oil rig wants and our seven drivers deliver it. So on Tuesday part of my job was to find two upright water coolers that do both hot and cold. And then I had a specific brand of printer to get. It took several phones calls, but I located both of them in Rock Springs. S, our shop hand, was coming home from Rifle, Colorado. Tthe best solution was to have him stop in Rock Springs and get them. He had been told he would need to go to Walmart. So when he called I told him Walmart was out and he needed to stop at Home Depot. Poor S had been on the road since 6 am, and this was now about 4 pm. He was quite irritated, and told me he could call me back when he could pull over and write. He said he had no clue where Home Depot was located. J, another driver, said S did know, but he would give him directions when he called back.

By the time S called back he'd worked up a pretty good temper. Now let me say that S is very soft spoken and quite most of the time. In fact, S barely talks. I was trying to explain that he needed to write down the Home Depot charge account number. When I gave it to him, I realized the first part had four numbers, not the five I had given him. So I corrected that. Then I told him he also needed to go to Staples and get a printer which was close to Home Depot. And that J would give him the directions. Well, by this time S was even more upset, and he just went off on me. He started cussing about how *^&%ing stupid this was and how he's been on the road since 6 am and now he was expected to stop at two stores. I just lost it. I told him that if he had a problem with it, he could talk to K and put him on hold. I told K to talk to him.

Then the tears started. When I get mad I cry. I hate doing that, but been doing it my whole life and probably not gonna change now. Plus S has always been a real sweety to me and we've gotten along real well. So to have him yell at me like that was a slap in the face. I turned off my computer, grabbed my purse and walked into K's office. I told her that I refused to be talked to that way and was going home. As I walked to the front office R and J were there. R said something about it, and I said I'm going home. I knew R saw the tears which was even more embarassing for me.

This is getting pretty long, so I think there is going to have to be a part 2. Stay tuned.