Happy Birthday Christopher

Unfortunately, my laptop crashed last month. So I don't have a baby picture to post. I will find one and get it on soon. But let me just say that my Christopher was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. The only other two babies I'd been around newborn was David and Greg. Now before I insult them, let me just say that Chris had the most perfectly shaped little round head, he had dark skin, dark eyes that looked right into mine when I held him the first time, and dark hair.

I was living with Dad and Mom during the last half of my pregnant. Mike was in the army and had been sent to Germany for six months. I woke up on the morning of Dec 30th, got out of bed and thought I had peed my pants. Any of you that have been 9 months know that your bladder isn't very reliable. But then it happened again. So I called Brenda, and she told me my water must be leaking which mean we were going to have a baby. No labor pains though. Marsha and I drove down to Brenda's and visited and had lunch. About 4 o'clock I started having very mild contractions. We went to the courthouse and picked up Mom from work and went home. Things went very slowly, so about 9 pm I decided to go to bed. At 11 pm I got up for the bathroom, and I just about doubled over with that contraction. So Dad and Mom got dressed and away to the hospital we went. Things progressed pretty well. Now remember this was in the days before lovely epidurals. I got a muscle relaxer shot which did nothing and gas as I got into delivery. I didn't realize that the gas made me talk every more than I normally do. Mom said she stood outside the delivery room door and listened to me rattle on. Chris was born at 4:47 am and weighed 7 lb 14 oz. And let me say again, he was a gorgeous baby.

Happy birthday to my oldest son, Chris. I love you sooo much! You have always made me proud of you.

Merry Christmas to All

It has been a while since I have written here. Part of that is due to getting my health and strength back, part is due to just not being online as much. My laptop crashed (VISTA sucks!), and I don't know when that will be fixed.

But I did want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope it is the best one you have had so far! Can't wait to see those pictures.

Follow-up

I have to admit that I haven't missed internet. Now for those of you who know how much I am usually online, that tells you how rotten I have felt. It has definitely been an uphill battle to recover from this. The jury is still out on whether I'd do it again. But that's mainly because I'm still on liquids (broth is getting old) still on loratab (that makes me loopier than normal) and very tired all the time. But each day gets a little better and a little closer to soft foods. Let's all hear three cheers for mashed potatoes!

Internet Vacation

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be taking a mini vacation from the internet. Now, I'm not sure if I'm going to survive or not. I loooove the internet, and I am addicted to all your blogs and catching up on your lives. But I will just have to do a lot of catching up in a week or so.

Now that those of you that don't know why are asking "why isn't she going to be online?" I'll always that question. In about two days I am having major surgery. I have having a hiatal hernia fixed and a gall bladder yanked out. When my doctor talked about how long the hernia had been there, I told him I had it since July 1980. He said 'that's pretty specific.' I said 'well, that was the month I was suspecting I was pregnant with my 5th child in 6th years.' I realize pregnancy doesn't cause them, but having four other little babies jumping around inside me pushing everybody every which way probably didn't hurt.

Between the hernia and the gall bladder I haven't felt good for a while now. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from eating when I do feel ok. But this has been quite the year for medical procedures. And I was told if I don't get this done, there is a good chance that I will get cancer of the esophagus down the road. In fact, when I got the scope done, my doctor told me that he had done biopsies of my throat because there was so much damage. Now that makes two cancer scares this fall. The waiting and wondering and thinking about my 'bucket list' is horrible. But I have to admit there is quite the high when the results come back ok, and I feel like I've been told I'm gonna live longer.

When I went to see the doctor to get those good results, I asked him how soon I would go back to work. I thought this would be like the other procedures, and I would have a weekend off, and be back on Monday. I about fell off my chair when he said 2-3 days in the hospital and two weeks off work. The best news, however, was a total liquid diet which can result in a 15-20 weight loss. Now I have to admit this isn't the best diet in the world, but I'm planning on it being a kick start to more.

So please, all of you, remember me in your prayers, send good wishes my way, and I will soon be back rambling on again.

Sixteen years

First off I have to say that this post might not be suited for everybody. And I don't want it to sound like I just write sad, depressing posts. So feel free to skip this one. I started this blog as an outlet for my emotional roller coaster life. For a long time only a couple of people knew about it, and even they didn't read it often. When some started reading this, I thought long and hard about continuing it. Not that I write anything that I would be totally mortified if they read, but this is more for me and therapy for what I go through. It's not written with an audience in mind. I do like getting comments, but I don't want to have to constantly think about that when I'm writing. Anyway, here goes:

I got to work today and looked at the date to put on some paperwork. My first thought when I realized it was Oct 15th was'who's birthday is it? It's something today." And then it hit me that sixteen years ago today Howard died. I don't go back and read previous blogs often, so I don't know what I've written before. And I'm not going to. I'm just writing how I feel right now Oct 15, 2008. For so many years after that day, I couldn't function on this day, I could barely breathe. I finally learned to just take the day off work rather than go there and fall apart and then have to go home. And today it snuck up on me, and I made it through the whole day. I admit I had to turn the radio off once, but that was ok. And I'm proud of myself for getting through this. It's not that it hurts any less than it did the day he died, it's just that I've learned to deal with the pain. I've learned how to distract myself from it when I'm around other people. I hate cliches, but I've also learned that time does help. I thought that I would get online and write about my memories of that day. But now that I'm here I realize I don't want to.

I want to go home, eat supper and spend some time just enjoying the memories. We had fifteen years together. There were some bad times and good times. Every marriage has those. But he was a good man, and I miss him. And I always will.

First Snow Winter'08

I'm watching Lala's kids this morning with a couple of extras. They are so excited about the first snowstorm of the winter. And it is actually a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the snow is melting (that excites me) and they had to go build a snowstorm.

Living in the Moment

My Dad used to say that he would enjoy fall a lot more if it didn't mean winter was coming soon. And he didn't like the winter. He was a man who loved being outdoors in nature especially up the canyon. I guess I'm a lot like my dad. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. It means warm weather is coming soon, it's not cold, it's not yet hot. And this year summer didn't stay long enough.

But around the end of August I decided to try something new this year. I was determined to enjoy every last second of fall and not think about the cold coming. We made a couple trips to Vernal. The canyons on the way are always so beautiful with the changing colors of the leaves. I wish I was a better photographer because I would have loved to be able to capture the colors of green, yellow, orange and red. However, for those rides I just lived in the moment of looking at how beautiful they were. I then said something that shows how much I live in the future. I asked Lala if the leaves turn in Evanston or do they just fall off the tree. At that point, I honestly couldn't remember noticing the leaves changing colors here in town. But I have now.

About a week ago I had to walk into my apartment complex from the road due to some work on the parking lot. As I walked around the side of the building taking the shortcut, I walked past some bushes. They had turned the most gorgeous shade of red. I thought about coming back and cutting some of them and putting them in my apartment. Would they stay pretty very long? I wasn't sure, so I just stood there admiring their beauty, living in the moment.

I have had car problems the last couple of months. I only drive to and from work. So I take sandwich fixin's and keep in the fridge. But if I eat in my office, I end up answering the phone. So I eat in my car. And I enjoy every moment of sunshine, sometimes opening a window partway to feel the cool breeze.

Today is feeling more like winter, but somehow it isn't as horrible to know it is coming. Maybe that's because I've had a wonderfully lovely fall.

The Way We Were

Sometimes the hardest part of blogging is coming up with an appropriate title. Other times the title comes and then you have to figure out what to write about it. Read on, and maybe you will figure out the title. Or maybe I will tell you at the end.

I talked to my sister this morning on the phone. She asked me if I was going to wish her a happy anniversary. My goodness, they have been married 38 years. Or was it 39? It's a long time, and they deserve such congratulations on making it together that long.

But the thought that hit me was that today could have been my anniversary too. When Rod and I were getting to know each other and were trying to sit a date, he just opened his mouth and out came "Oct 8th." Looking back, I think it popped out cuz it was so far away. I honestly think the whole proposal was a mistake on his part, that it just slipped out. Because the whole time were were engaged there were problems. Everything from believing it was real and planning moving me to Salt Lake City to him not wanting anybody in his family to even know we were dating let alone engaged. But that is a whole other story.

We did have some good times. And I have no regrets whatsoever. I am glad he was in my life the way he was. I don't feel bad that the marriage didn't happen. I think it would have been a mistake, but the things he taught me weren't. He was so good at making me think and stretch my brain. I still miss that sometimes, and come close to picking up the phone. But our lives have gone their separate ways.

Now as to the title of this blog: not only do I remember the way we were with a smile on my face, it is also his favorite movie. Of course, for those of you who have seen it, Robert Redford does not get Barbra Streisand. But the memories are there, and they are good ones.

Healing and Thankfulness

I have written a couple of blogs about how hard it is to work on the headstone for Nick, Ru and Audrey. Bit I have to add to that again. I know this is a little boring, but it's my blog. I have to say that I didn't realize until this weekend how healing it is for me to think about what I would like on it and give input. I took my laptop to Vernal and showed Grandma our ideas. Of course, we both shed a few tears looking at the ideas. I talked to Mary last night and told her that I think I have done more healing in the last couple of weeks than I have in the last year. I'm not sure healing is the right word though. Perhaps acceptance should be in there as well. It hurts to think about them being gone. But it will always hurt. And I know that there will be times when the pain and grief will be as deep as it was the day they died. But I also know that there are getting to be times when I want and need to talk about then and their life and the way they lived. Maybe there are times when I need to talk about the way they died. That will change from day to day.
But, Mary, I want to say thank you for letting me a part of this process. When you realized how hard it was for me, you could have just went ahead and made the decisions. But it was important to you for me to do this and for you to know what I wanted. Thank you so much!

More on Headstones

I've done quite a bit of thinking since the last post on the headstones. And I have had a epiphany. I realized that the reason I didn't think I had an opinion was that if i don't get involved, I don't have to face that face that my son is dead and gone. As I started looking at the ideas Mary sent me, I did havef opinions and ideas and feelings, both good and bad. I am so thankful for Mary and for her giving me the opportunity to be part of this process. As hard as it has been, it has been something that I have to do and is good for me. And I will be anxious to go see how they turned out.

Headstones

How on earth do you choose a headstone to mark the grave of someone you have loved lost? As I've been talking to Mary about them, I realized one more thing we (both families) laid on her shoulders. I'm sure that most of us didn't think about things like that a year ago. We thought we were just choosing whole we wanted Joie to live with. We thought of things like where would she feel the most comfortable, where would she be centrally located to still see all of us. And I have no doubt that all of us were guided by Nick and Ru. I remember talking to Maryann, the counselor at Primary Children's. She was so amazed that Stan and Diana and I were so in agreement over the hard decision we were making. Of course, all of us wanted Joie to be with us. But we all knew this was a time to listen to the spirit and do what was best for that beautiful little girl. We had to do what was best for her, not for us.

Ok, I digress. Back to the headstones. I had input into the design for Howard's headstone, but because of location I didn't do the actualy work. NOTE TO SELF: Call Brenda tonight and thank her again for doing all the work. She listened to my ideas, found someone to draw the train picture, met with the mortuary, and did so much work above and beyond the duty of a sister.

Thinking back, I have a lot of blank spots about picking Jim's headstone. I remember Lala going with me, and possibly Brenda along with Jim's Mom and maybe brothers.? I remember wanting the Provo temple because that was 'his temple.' And I remember the reaction when I wanted the roses on the sides of the book. I was told that usually that is for women and men's headstones have the leaves. But Howard's and mine has roses, and I wanted Jim's to match. My burial plot is right in between theirs. At the time I laughed at Lala's idea that I should put a double on Jim's with both our names on it, just like I had with her Dad. But now sometimes I wish I could have done that.

I opened the file Mary sent me this morning for Nick, Ru and Audrey's headstones. And I immediately closed it. I'm online before work, and I will have to wait until tonight. I don't need to go to work with puffy, red eyes. I kept telling Mary that I was ok with whatever they decided, because I know they got lots of imput from Joie. But after I hung up the phone last night I realized that I just don't want to have to deal with making decisions for the headstone for my son because he's not supposed to be dead!

Nick's Birth Day

I planned to get this written long before now, but the road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions. But at least I'm writing it now.

Howard and I were both so excited 30 years ago the closer it got to Nick's birthday. Howard was working at the welding shop and helping an old friend, Wade,with his moving company. He had a trip to Provo planned. They were loading and leaving on Sept 15th. Well, this baby just didn't seem to want to be born. I can't remember his exact due date, but know he was late just like the rest. So I said I was going with him. Of course, I didn't tell anybody. But then just as I was getting ready to go teach Primary, I realized that maybe this baby was gonna be born soon, like within the next day. I talked to Brenda and realized the trip with Howard wasn't a good idea.
He drove to Roosevelt to load the moving truck with Wade. The two kids and I were at Mom's. I started having a few contractions, so about 9 pm I called and left Howard a message that maybe he should come back to town after loading. He got to Mom's about 11 pm, and he wanted to go to the hospital. Now this may have been the first he was there for (that's how he put it), but it was my third. So we went home so we could get some sleep although Howard thought I was crazy. I don't remember how much sleep we got, but a little; the contractions were pretty light. At 6 am, we got up and headed to the hospital. Now I wish I could tell you exactly what time Nick was born. I know it was either shortly after 10 am or shortly after noon. It was a pretty neat experience having Howard in the delivery room. He stayed for a few hours and checked out his new son. But then he had to leave to take the moving van.

He drove to Provo, and it was pretty late when he got there. He was going to spend the night at Kimo and Marsha's, and unload in the morning. He didn't want to wake them up, so he slept in the moving van. Marsha was so upset with him when she woke up in the morning and realized what he had done. He unloaded and came straight home. In the meantime I had filled out the birth certificate form. I had to call Mom to make sure how to spell Nicholas. She said that was how she had seen it in books. Howard and I were naming him after Charles Nikolas Young, his great grandfather. And yes, I spelt the name wrong. I always told Howard it was his fault for leaving me at the hospital.

Happy Birthday nick

Happy Birthday, my sweet son. I wanted to write something really special, but decided at this time just to put a few pictures on.

How You Can Help Me

How appropriate some emails are in their timing. I was talking to Angie last night about her brother. His birthday is tomorrow, and Nick would have turned 30. I know she and Lala have a hard time talking about him. Heck, we all do. But sometimes I do need to talk even when it brings on the tears. I thought this was a good time to post this. Although this was written about losing a spouse, except for a few exceptions, it works for burying a son too.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

"Please talk about him, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that he is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good.

Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on. I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving, and that's different. My grieving may only begin 2 months after his death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had , the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I am in shock. I am afraid. I feel deep rage. I feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be."

I do want to add that there are many kinds of loss and many ways to grieve. But I have truly learned that unless you have went through it, you can't truly understand. I didn't understand how my kids grieved over losing their Dad until my Daddy died four years ago. I've never had a brother let alone lost one, so I can't totally understand what my kids are going through. All I do know is that loss is hard and grief sucks. Thirty years ago today I was in labor knowing I was going to have my third child. Thirty years is not long enough to have them in your life. But I am grateful that I at least had that. There are so many mothers who have less.

Old Age

Happy Birthday to me. Today I turned 52 years old. I remember when I thought 50 was old, and somehow 60 doesn't seem that old to me anymore. There is so much i could say today, but Heather sent me a darling email that say it better than I can. And I agree with it totally. So here it is.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, an d if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and s terile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never lau ghed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

Expiration Dates

Interesting name for a post, isn't it? And I promise if you read to the end, you will understand what it has to do with my birthday that is coming up in three days.

I have a son who could never remember my birthday. Every year about Sept 5th, Ruth would call and ask me if my birthday is Sept 6th or the 9th. Every year I would explain to her that my birthday is the 6th and Joans, Nick's high school friend, was the 9th. I would tell her to explain to Nick that if he can remember his is on the 16th, then he should be able to remember mind on the 6th. And the next year I would get another phone call. It was quite hilarious. Last year after their accident was the first year I didn't get that phone call. But I still thought about it.

Last week I wrote Mary that I was going to Vernal for my birthday on Saturday. Somehow I made it sound like my birthday was last Saturday. So when she wrote me happy birthday, I told her the story of Nick and Ruth. It actually makes me laugh. So this morning I was sitting in Lala's driveway checking my email when Monique walked out the door. She was walking to jazz choir practice. I told her to get in and I'd give her a ride. As she got in the car she said 'Grandma, is your birthday the 6th or the 9th.' Oh, I laughed so hard, and then told her the story of Nick and Ruth and that very same question. She thought it was funny and then said to me 'Oh, it would be easier to remember if it was the 9th cuz that's the day our milk expires.'

Out of the mouths of babes! She had been looking in the fridge at the date on the milk when she remembered my birthday coming up and asked her mom what day it was. There actually was some logic in her thinking. Wouldn't life be interesting if we call came with expiration dates stamped on us somewhere so we would know just how much time we have left?

More Surviving Part 2

The weekend before the results were due I started to fall apart. I read everything online I could find on breast cancer. Sometimes the internet is a good thing. I overloaded my brain and started thinking of all the things I would have to deal with if the lump was malignant.

Years ago I told Howard that if I ever got breast cancer I would die before I would have a mastectomy. Why is it that women's self esteem seems to be tied to her chest from the time she starts developing? I spent the whole weekend slowly falling apart. So when the doctors office called on Tuesday, I assumed it was to remind me of my appointment on Wednesday. They had told me they wouldn't give results over the phone. That way if I had to come in, I would just assume it was bad. I missed the call and when I called back they were at lunch. It was a pretty tense hour until I could get ahold of someone who knew anything. But then I was told 'we have your results and they are benign!' I actually keep from crying at work. I immediately txted Ang and Lala the results. I didn't tell anybody at work cuz I wanted to tell the rest of my family after work.

I went to the appointment on Wednesday and got more information on the results. I was told I need to have a mammo every year without fail. I have a high risk for more lumps and a slightly higher risk for it to someday be malignant. Will I keep getting the yearly mammo? You bet. Will I choose to have other lumps removed? Yeah, I think I will. I don't know what my decision would have been if this was malignant. I kept saying I would figure that out when I got the results. But I do know that I have so much life left to live and so much to do!

So here's to the rest of my life!!!

More Surviving Pt 1

I have no clue how many people have stumbled upon this blog. I hadn't thought about the fact that when I comment on someone elses blog, it leads them back to me. I hope nothing I say here upsets or offends anyone, but I think most of us blog for ourselves. Call it therapy.

A couple of months ago i realized that I had met my deductible on my insurance, so why not use it. I'm getting old---well, older. My birthday is just over a week away, but that is definitely something for another post. It's been almost two years since I hit the big 5-0 when they suddenly start telling you it's time for this test or that test so I decided to go for it and use the health insurance. I started small. I made an appointment with the lady OB-GYN in town. Now in case anybody is reading this, I highly recommend finding a woman GYN. Wow, it made such a difference. I have had many checkups, have had five kids. I have been known to lay on a doctors table and read a book while getting a pelvic exam. But it is never pleasant. However, with a woman you lay down and about ten seconds later (it seems) she says "ok, all done, sit up." Wow! So I got the pap test which I honestly haven't done for years. The nurse looked at me when I told her how long like I was crazy. I said 'when you have no health insurance and five kids, guess who goes to the doctor?' She recommended a mammogram which I knew was coming. Ok, got that scheduled, got the results from the pap, normal. Cool. I had a mammo about ten years ago when they were doing free ones in Nevada. Ok, piece of cake. Yeah, right.
Imagine my surprise when I got the call that said my mammo results needed to be redone. Something called a spot compression which is fancy talk for 'let's smash a little more to get a better picture.' Ok, my sisters both said they have done this a lot. So I wasn't too worried. Of course, the fact that I was doing another mammo plus an ultrasound had me a little nervous.

Then I walked into the room and saw the x-ray. The lump they had found was bigger than I expected. But I was still feeling pretty confident. I was able to call the radiologist after 3 to get the results rather than wait. I hated calling cuz i was still at work and knew what would happen if the news was bad. So of course, I held together on the phone and then fell apart. He told me that I would have to have surgery as soon as I could to have the lump removed. He said he couldn't say benign or malignant either way, but he wanted the whole lump taken out, not just a needle biopsy. I had already had an appointment with a surgeon in town about the routine colonoscopy. I was very impressed with him, and we had talked about a few tests that would eventually lead to having my hiatal hernia fixed and gall bladder removed. All which would make me feel so much better. Although having a bad gall bladder and constant nausea has helped me lose over ten pounds.

I got the appointment with Dr. O'Connor. Both my girls went with me. And he told me we needed surgery as soon as we could schedule it and explained the whole procedure. This was on the 12th and they said they could do the surgery either Thur or Fri the same week. I choose Friday. I called family and told them what was going on. I was really nervous about the surgery, but I finally realized that was because every other time I've had surgery it was because I was really sick and had no choice. I wasn't worried about the results. At least not then.

Since the 18th

I have had a hard time finding time to post consistently. My intention is to write something at home in the evening and post it when I check my email every morning. Not having internet at the apt is hard. But now I can't use that as the excuse for not getting anything done either. I seem to be spending this week just sort of coasting along. But tonight is my night to spend a lot of time revamping my life, my time and my priorities.

I have decided that there is a reason we have bad times. Ok, I realize anybody reading this has probably already figured this out. But since I'm writing this for me and not that elusive 'anybody' it's ok. I have been not feeling good physically or mentally for a couple weeks now. Well, the last couple of days I'm feeling better. Not 100%, and I'm not sure when I will feel that way again. But let's just say that sometimes you have to feel rotten in order to feel better at all. What are the words to that country song about hitting rock bottom and having nowhere to go but up? I had a good friend read my blog the other day and I do admit there were some depressed entries. Between writing about my son and my husband, it was a little sad and blue. He said I thought you were doing better at stuff like that. Maybe I hadn't done a good job at writing those, because somehow one thing I was trying to say was that every though I was down and being melancholy, I was still better than I have been in the past. I posted about my tendency to be a perfectionist. So just the fact that I can accept the small steps I have made says something about how far I have come.

Not so Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I received a phone call that broke what was left of my heart. A nurse from Utah was called to tell me my 8 year old granddaughter was being flight for lifed to a hospital in SLC, Ut. When I asked her where my son and wife were, she said "I'm sorry to have to tell you, there were no other survivors." No mother should hear those words!

After burying as many men in my family, I have learned to call this their Anniversary to Heaven. Now that doesn't make it any easier. It just keeps me from having to say 'one year ago today my son, wife and two year older daughter died.'

I miss them more than i can ever explain in words. A part of my heart was ripped out and will never be replaced as long as I live. At this point, I'm not sure how much heart I have left. Since 1992 I have buried two husbands, an ex-husband, my father, a father in law, a brother in law. So many loses.

But I have to say that I am definitely not the same woman I was in 1992. In fact, I'm not the same woman I was one year ago today. I have learned a lot about myself. I think the subtitle of this blog says it all. 'The thoughts of feelings of a woman who is a SURVIVOR.' Last Friday I survived surgery to remove a lump from my right breast. I am now waiting for results to see if it is malignant. I went to work today on the first anniversary of a death for the first time. I made it through the day without tears running down my face. My motto has become 'If I can bury these people, I can survive anything' Of course, surviving Nick, Ru and Audrey's deaths is an ongoing thing. Everyday I have to remember to get out of bed and breathe, to get through the day and try to keep my sanity intact. But as of today, I have done a pretty good job. I am a strong woman and at the end of the day, I am still alive! I have survived!!! And I thank God every day for my beautiful now nine year old granddaughter who is beautiful, alive and looks just like her daddy. She brings so much joy to my heart that sometimes it feels almost whole.

Broken Hearted Me

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and it struck a chore in me. I'm putting the lyrics and the words on this. I put on such a face for the world. But this is how I feel inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paup4TZXW-I

Every now and then I cry. Every night you keep staying on my mind.
all my friends say I'll survive, it just takes time.

Chorus: I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart

No, I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me
Every day is just the same
Playing games, different lovers, different names.
They keep saying I'll survive, it just takes time

Alone again

Happy Anniversary, Howard. Today would have been 31 years together married. Wow, I can't believe that. It doesn't seem that long ago since we eloped. I would love to sit home and look at our wedding pictures, but I don't have a clue where they are. I do have one on the computer, so I'll open it and remember how handsome you were. I fell in love with you that very first day I met you. You had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. We had a roller coaster marriage, but I only remember the good times now. Guess that is one of the advantages of you being gone. It makes my memories only seen through rose colored glasses.

I often wonder what we would be doing today if you were still here. I have met so many people our age who are divorced. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together. I like to believe we would be, that somehow we would have made it through the rough spots and hung onto the love. You would have been such a great grandpa. I remember after the shock wore off of Angela being pregnant you kept saying you were too old to be sleeping with a grandma. But I know that would have changed the second you saw Tony. Of course, I know that you kissed him goodbye from heaven and sent him here to us. I believe you did that with all the other grandchildren too when it was their turn.

Do you know that I have been very jealous of the fact that Nick is there and got to see you again before me? That was NOT fair. But I also know that he had misssed you so much, and you were so glad to see him again. I know it was a glorious reunion.

Do you look down at me and roll your eyes? Do you ever look down and think how far I have come and how much I have grown? I know being without you has made me a stronger woman. I have had to learn how to do more by myself. That has taken me a long time though. It was easy to want or let others do it for me from our kids to other men. But I'm learning and getting better at standing on my own two feet. Watch over me, be proud of me and if you can, send a little help my way. I love you so much. Someday.............

Perfection

Did you know that the traitto be a perfection is not a good one? Did you know that being a power-hungry control freak is bad? Well, if you did, good for you. But I'm learning how bad those traits are in my life, and how much I screw things up being this way.

Years ago I remember reading an astrology book. I am a Virgo, and I told Howard that this stuff was so wrong cuz I am not a perfectionist. "Just look at the house," I said. Now at the time I had five kids under the age of seven, so you can imagine what it looked like. I don't know of anyone with the exception of Angelina Jolie (and her hired help) who could pull that one off. He looked around and with the wisdom he had said to me 'that's the problem. You want and expect perfection. And when you know you can't achieve what you want, you just don't even try. That way you don't fail to meet your own standards." I have thought about that a lot over the years.

I have always said I didn't want a job that had to do with numbers or accounting. I said it would drive me crazy. And yet here I am doing that kind of thing and loving every minute of it. I think because 1 + 2 always equals 3. It's perfect. When I can send the packet off to corporate twice a week with everything in it's nice little section, it's perfect. When I clear a statement and can prove that every little invoice has been sent on, it's perfect. I'm 100%.

Now how do I quit being that way in my personal life? I have these little scenerios playing in my head. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people or men. When I say something I already know what I want them to say back. Free agency? Forget that, I'm the only one who can say what they want. When I say 'what are you doing tonight after work?' their line is 'nothing, I want to be with you.' When they tell me what they have planned and it doesn't include me do I say 'cool, wanna find time to get together?" Nope, not me. That would be easy. I just get upset and keep hinting and when they don't respond the way I want, it is over.
And they are left standing in the dust, shaking their heads going 'what happened?'

I wonder if there is an online course somewhere to help me with this. There are courses in computers, French, cooking, organizing, and everything else I want to learn. But I'm at a loss on this one. And realizing and admitting I have a problem doesn't help if I can't figure out what to do next.

Remembering

How can you put into words just how much someone means to you? Especially when that person grew for nine months inside your belly? There is nothing in the world I have experienced that cuts as deep as losing your child, your flesh and blood, someone you and the husband you love created together. People say that it is not natural to bury your child. Most of us expect that we will probably bury our parents, and perhaps even a spouse. But the natural order of things is that our children will grow up, have families and someday bury us.

In just over two weeks from now two families will be celebrating an anniversary. Those of us familiar with grief try to soften it by calling it the anniversary of their birth into heaven. And maybe that does give some comfort. And maybe down the road it will give me more. But right now I just feel like I'm going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. I don't know how to make it through this. I know that somehow I will, I've done something simliar before. But for about 19 days I'm just going to remember to breathe in and breathe out and that is about all I plan on doing.

I love you, Nick, Ru and Audrey. And I will miss you forever!

What Susan Means

What Susan Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Please Remember

I sent this song to a very sweet man in my life last night. I have had a very hard decision to make lately, and this was the end result. And so again tonight I sit at the computer, playing this song over and over while tears run down my cheeks.

"Please Remember"

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

Being Alone

I am sitting here at my computer listening to all the sad songs I can find and crying my eyes out. And believe it or not, I actually had an epiphany about myself and my life. I have thought a little lately that I might need to get a little professional help dealing with the grief. I know that I am not easy to get along with lately, and I'm suffering from some major depression. I know that my clinging is driving my best friend nuts because I want him with me more than he can be. I hate it when he goes home and leaves me. But tonight I was on the phone with my Mom when he got a call from work about an emergency and had to leave. So that made it easier. I had hoped he would come back over, but he's tired and has a headache. And we did have a nice time together this weekend which I am soooo not going to ruin. So back to the epiphany.

I have a hard time wanting to leave the house except for work. I don't mind going out of town where nobody knows me or my situation. I just don't want to talk to anybody about things right now. And I realized that when he's here, he's safe. He knows what is going on, so I don't have to talk about things or explain things. If something happens that make me tear up a little, he's ok with that. My daughter isn't much company anymore. She's busy with things plus she doesn't want to talk about grief even if I need to. And sometimes I do. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I need to be talking about this. I went to the woodbadge meeting and sort of talked to a woman there about it. Of course, I was very unemotional about it at the time, so I'm not sure how she took that. But it beats falling apart and crying.

My biggest goal is to get my own place. But as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. Do I want to end the day alone with nothing to do but my thoughts? I just realized that is why I am in bed sleeping by 9 pm every night. So although I have no clue what the solution is, I am starting to get a grip on the problem. I need to work on my emotional state right now. And maybe it's time to get someone to help me.