I wish you.....

I just received this email, and it goes along with my post from yesterday, so I'm gonna share it.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shopping.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection. Little bite-sized pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that SOMEONE is smiling on you, and holding
you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

I wish you a day of peace, happiness and joy!!

Letting Go

This was written at work a few weeks ago, but somehow I feel the need to post it today.

What is it about my personality that won't let me let go of anything or anybody in my life? At the moment I'm thinking about men. The 'anything' part of this is a whole separate blog.

I wonder why I can't let go of a relationship when all signs point it's either not good for me or it's over. I have decided I'm a person who is addicted to the exciting stage of a relationship. First let me explain the stages according to Susan. It starts with the greeting stage whether it is email, chatting or face-to-face. I think I like the fun harmless flirting that takes place before the first meeting. I can be someone else. I can be cute, perky Susie, the woman who is always happy, always up. Not Susan, the woman who suffers from chronic pain, menopause and mod swings from hell, the woman who is sane despite burying almost every man she has ever loved including 3 husbands (ok, one was an ex) a father, two brother in laws, and recently a son.

But after that first meeting comes the excitement of flirting, getting to know someone, the butterflies in your stomach when he holds you or kisses you or even gently touches the back of your neck. Then the relationship hits the rocky patch where things aren't so fun anymore. And I do end up always pushing the man away. Sort of I'm gonna dump you before you dump me syndrome. But at that point the relationship isn't fun. AndSo when that relationship hits the rocky patches (and they always do), why do I feel this obsessive need to hold on? I do this even if part of the reason it's over is because of me. Let me give an example. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hey, they're men, they're always guilty.

Ray and I met online thru emails and then went to constant long nightly phone calls. That first meeting will always stand out in my mind as the best for many reasons. It was a perfect meeting and was almost like a fairy tale. But then things went wrong. The first mistake was in getting engaged so quickly. I ignored every red flag from that day on. I won't waste time listing them all. I will never know why he proposed. He honestly never wanted to get married again. But I hung on to that dream like a drowning person with the last life jacket. Deep down I knew it was good that we didn't get married quickly. But for so long I still thought it was going to happen even after I called off the wedding. It was actually a relief when I could finally admit it.

And then there is William. This is still an ongoing mess. Again a relationship that was fun in the beginning. But it has gone downhill from there. I can't seem to do the whole 'let's just be friends' with a man. My heart always gets involved. No matter how much I know that a long-term relationship won't work out, part of me still hopes for it. I know going into this that he had been badly hurt and there was no way he was going to let himself feel anything more than friendship.

So history repeats itself and I make my life and his miserable, at least until I move onto the next man. So....how do I just end it for good and, more importantly, quit making the same mistake again?

5 Things to be Happy About Right Now

I was reading a magazine article this week that sure made me think. So I grabbed a notebook and starting putting some thoughts to paper. I think part of the secrets to a happy life is to learn to live in the moment. My Mom and oldest sister always talk about how bad things are in the world. Yes, that is true. You can't turn on the news without some tragedy. But I'm afraid if I only dwell on the bad, I will crawl in bed and never get up again. Now without going in much detail, let's just say that I've had more than one tragedy in my life. I buried the father of my children in 1992. After he died I seemed to have this almost obsessive need to talk about every last detail. I cried constantly and felt bad if I couldn't cry. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about. When Jim (next husband) died in 2001, I talked about it a little bit but not as much. There seemed to be a few people that I wanted to talk with. At that point my 7-11 job was my salvation. I remember thinking that most of my customers had no clue who I was or that I had been widowed for the second time just six weeks before the job started. So I could go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was just fine. It was a performance deserving of an Oscar.

Going through the loss of my son and his family has been the exact opposite of when I lost his father. I don't want to talk about it. I can talk about them and things that they did in their lives especially funny stories. But as far as the accident and their deaths, I don't want to talk. Am I in denial? I don't think so. Well, maybe a little bit. But I think it shows how much I have changed in my life. I've realized in some way I liked the attention I got as Howard's poor widow. I've also realized a person can only wallow in self pity for so long before they can't survive anymore.

About a month after the accident, we took a trip to Vernal. I have always went to the Walmart I worked at to see old friends. But this trip I didn't want to go. I knew what was going to happen. I ran into an old friend in the store, and I could tell immediately that she knew what had happened. There was so much pity in her eyes as she looked at me and said 'oh, Susan, how are you doing?' This happened several more times until I just had to walk out. We went to a few yard sales, and one of Nick's school friends came up and told me how sorry she was.

My youngest daughter has a friend that lost of baby to SIDS three years ago. She finally moved out of town and told my daughter that she was tired of the pity and being known as the mother of the baby who died of SIDS. I didn't understand that then. But I sure do now. I don't want to be the woman who lost her son and his family in the car wreck.

The only way I can get through each day is to focus on the good things however small they may seem. That goes back to the title of this blog. I think we have to focus on something that makes us happy. So here are my five things for today:
1. Having a job that I love
2. A roof over my head with electricity (and I don't live in Oklahoma)
3. Got Christmas box off to son in Alabama before Dec 23.
4. The relationship I have with my youngest daughter
5. Knowing I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren even if some of them live in heaven.

Some days those five things may be as simple as having a grandchild say "I love you, Bama." Or it may be the car started. Just look for something good!

Take This Job and Love It!

I decided today it was time to talk about my job. I have been so blessed in the jobs I have held. They have all seemed to suit me at the time. But I have to admit this is quite possibly my favorite job. My mom told me for years that I need to get an office job where I can my skills. The day I interviewed for this job, I knew I wanted it. The two bosses who did the interviewing were fun and friend. I figured it would be a good place to work. And I was right.

Let me tell you what my typical day is like. I work for an oilfield supply company. That means anything an oilrig wants, we try to get for them. Anything from pump parts to tools to office supplies to housewares is ordered. Although I have a basic routine of what needs to get done, each time the phone rings it can be a different opportunity. My official title is Administrative Clerk! Wow, a job title and it sounds so much more impressive than cashier. This means that I handle a lot of secretarial-office duties and whatever else needs to be done. I get paid to shop at Walmart a couple times a week. I have been there a little over a year, and it amazes me how much I have learned in that year. And the best part is, I have a couple of bosses that appreciate what I do. I had my yearly evaluation last week, and they were both so complimentary to me. And the icing on the cake is: (drum roll please) I got a raise of $1 an hour. That means that on my year anniversary of being on their payroll, I will be making $10 an hour. I worked the first four months for a temporary service.

This Roller Coaster Life

I don't write this blog for anybody to read. Don't even think it's public, and I know the two I've told about it don't read it anymore. So it's just for me, just for me to ramble, think and vent. Hopefully in the process I'll figure out a few things about myself and what goes on in my head.
Ok, world, I'm bipolar! For those who don't know what that is, it's like being on a roller coaster every day, every single damn day, every single minute of every day. I never know when I wake up in the morning what my day is going to be like. I might wake up feeling on top of the world, but by the time hair and make up are done and I'm out the door for work, I'm hittin rock bottom. Or vice versa.
This was actually a very good week for me. I really wish my life was more just middle-of-the road mellow instead of the ups and downs. Because after a good week, the down is soooo low it's below ground. Ok, now I know I had this really good blog in my head before I started typing. Oh, well, can always come back and edit later.

Happy Anniversary Darling

Yesterday would have been my 30th wedding anniversary if Howard was still alive. As I was drifting off to sleep with tears on my pillow the beginning of this poem came into my head. It was a hard one to write. I still miss him every day, some days more than others.

Thirty years ago we said "I do"
And you’ve been gone from me fifteen
There was twenty-one years before we met
We only had fifteen years in between

I so remember the day we met
And the deep blue of your eyes
I thought we’d have forever
There would never be goodbyes

From that first day we seemed to click
As if you could read my mind
I fell in love so fast and quick
You were so sweet, so good, so kind

Just as fast you felt that way too
In two short days you looked at me
Said you wanted the three of us
To become your family

We quickly planned the wedding
In four months was when we set the date
But we found it did not work for us
We just couldn’t seem to wait

So we got into the car that day
On a sunny August 5^th
An hour ride that seemed so long
The “I do’s” were said so swift

So we made ourselves a family
Through all the ups and downs
There was even lots of packing
For the moves through all the towns

That awful day in October
When the call came on the phone
Little did I really understand
You had left me all alone

I’ve managed to hold onto life
And do the very best I can
With only the sweetest memories
Of a very special man

So, Howard, I need to tell you
Happy Anniversary, my sweet dear
Although I’m celebrating all alone
I can somehow feel you here

How Far I've Come pt 2

When I left this story I had just left work in tears. I keep my cell phone turned off at work or sometimes set it on vibrate. I had some mail to drop off at the post office, so I went and did that. I thought about going back to work to finish my report. I couldn't remember if I had hit save when I shut the computer down. If I didn't, I just lost four hours of work. But the tears were still so close, and I hate crying in front of anybody. So I just decided to go home. As I got here, I picked up my cell and realized I had missed calls and a voice mail. The missed call was from work, so I listened to the voice mail. It was K telling me she was so sorry for what had happened and was I all right. She was worried about me. Then she went on to tell me how much she appreciates what I do and how important I am to the office and she doesn't tell me often enough. I realized then that she was afraid I wasn't coming back. I got my composure and called her back. I really like working for K. The minute I heard her voice the tears returned. I assured her I was ok and would be to work the next morning. She told me that S was sorry and hadn't meant to upset me. I told her I would be there for the 7 am meeting to print out the reports. She said if I wanted to sleep in and come at 8, she and R would do it. I told her I would see how I felt when I woke up, but I would be to work The rest of the evening I kept my ringer on the phone phone off, and about 9 pm checked it and had tons of missed calls from a local number I didn't recognize and a voice mail. The voice mail was from S apologizing for upsetting me and telling me how sorry he was. I was very surprised and glad he had done that.

I did a lot of thinking all night about going to work the nxt morning. I finally got up and got there just before 7 am. The only person there was J who is on call. He immediately got up and asked if I was ok and what had happened the night before. He said he and K had both yelled at S for it. I told him that S had gotten very verbally abusive on the phone, and that because of my past I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up a little, but was able to control it. I told him a little about Mike and the abusive marriage. Then S walked in and headed toward the back of the warehouse. I called him and he turned around. I could tell by his face he was worried about what I was going to say. I told him that I appreciated his apology and as far as I was concerned it was over. He said he was so sorry and had not meant to upset me. I told him I had been in a couple of abusive relationships, and he said that thought had occured to him when he realized how upset I had been. We were able to talk and let it end.

This incident made me realize just how far I have come in my life. A few years ago I would have quit my job over something like this. But I do love my job, not only what I do but the people I work with. I wasn't going t let one little incident ruin that for me. Right now there is so much going on in my personal life and the lives of my kids. My one sanctuary is my job. I wake up on Monday morning glad to do to work. As the old commercial said "you've come a long way, baby."

How Far I've Come

I had an incident happen in work this week that ended with me walking out of work early in tears. That part of it I'm gonna chalk up to menopause. Which, in itself, is a whole nother blog. I'm a lot moodier and teary-eyed lately. And it seems sometimes there is no logic to what sets me off. But this one took me totally by surprise.

I don't want to make this a long, boring blog. But I think I'm the only one who reads it, so I guess that's ok. Background is that I work for an oilfield supply company. We buy anything an oil rig wants and our seven drivers deliver it. So on Tuesday part of my job was to find two upright water coolers that do both hot and cold. And then I had a specific brand of printer to get. It took several phones calls, but I located both of them in Rock Springs. S, our shop hand, was coming home from Rifle, Colorado. Tthe best solution was to have him stop in Rock Springs and get them. He had been told he would need to go to Walmart. So when he called I told him Walmart was out and he needed to stop at Home Depot. Poor S had been on the road since 6 am, and this was now about 4 pm. He was quite irritated, and told me he could call me back when he could pull over and write. He said he had no clue where Home Depot was located. J, another driver, said S did know, but he would give him directions when he called back.

By the time S called back he'd worked up a pretty good temper. Now let me say that S is very soft spoken and quite most of the time. In fact, S barely talks. I was trying to explain that he needed to write down the Home Depot charge account number. When I gave it to him, I realized the first part had four numbers, not the five I had given him. So I corrected that. Then I told him he also needed to go to Staples and get a printer which was close to Home Depot. And that J would give him the directions. Well, by this time S was even more upset, and he just went off on me. He started cussing about how *^&%ing stupid this was and how he's been on the road since 6 am and now he was expected to stop at two stores. I just lost it. I told him that if he had a problem with it, he could talk to K and put him on hold. I told K to talk to him.

Then the tears started. When I get mad I cry. I hate doing that, but been doing it my whole life and probably not gonna change now. Plus S has always been a real sweety to me and we've gotten along real well. So to have him yell at me like that was a slap in the face. I turned off my computer, grabbed my purse and walked into K's office. I told her that I refused to be talked to that way and was going home. As I walked to the front office R and J were there. R said something about it, and I said I'm going home. I knew R saw the tears which was even more embarassing for me.

This is getting pretty long, so I think there is going to have to be a part 2. Stay tuned.

What I have!

Ok, I'd like to suggest that before you read this you read What I Deserve on Rod's blog. Quite a few of his posts make me think. But then I close the page, turn off the computer and don't get my thoughts written down. Well, this one gave me plenty to think about. So I'm going to steal a quote from his blog: "That’s why I don’t spend much time feeling shortchanged by life. I have more than my fair share. So do you." I had an experience years ago that made me realize my fair share and how blessed I am. Now do I tell the story and give the background or vice versa?

In 2001 I became a widow for the second time. I had previously lost the father of my children in 1992. When I finally got up the nerve to fall in love and remarry, we had five beautiful years together. About six weeks after the second husband died, I was working in a 7-11 in Vernal. An old family friend came in. Now I have to admit I liked working this job. I love working with customers, and I've always had an interest in acting. I found that I could go to work and pretend my life was fine, that my world was not falling apart. Most of my customers had no clue that my world had been turned upside down. But then there was this one particular day......

This woman walked up to me and said 'Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry about Jim. You've had such a horrible life.' She might as well slapped me across the face I was so shocked. And I don't have a poker face, so I'm sure my mouth fell open. I don't even remember what I said to her. But when she left I started doing some thinking. Because at that point and since I have never thought I had a bad, horrible life. I've had some bad moments. I'm not sure anything compares to burying a spouse, the man of your dreams that you planned on growing old with. And to do it twice defies explanation. Only someone who has walked in my shoes truly understands.

But I remember thinking I have been blessed with five beautiful children. They are all doing reasonably well at this point. They are happy and healthy. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents and be able to see them every day. And the joy of my life had to be my six grandchildren that I had at the time. They are all healthy and normal and beautiful.

Today I am living in Wyoming. I am happier than I have been in five years or perhaps longer than that. I am living with my youngest daughter. We get along pretty well most of the time, and she allows me to be free to do what I want. Eventually I'm going to get my own place, but I'm content to wait for the time to be right. I still have those five wonderful children. Their lives have had ups and downs, but they are strong, tough people. I am proud of them. And today I have thirteen grandchildren. I have a job that makes me excited to get up for each morning. I have a good family, good friends and a good life! I have more than my fair share indeed.

One More Day

One more day until the big 5-0. Wow, it's so close. And, although it's bugged me for the last year, today I'm not upset about it. I've come far in the last year, and I'm looking forward to the future with hope and excitement. Here is a little something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

I face the world alone today
The future's so bright and blue
I have so much ahead of me
And my dreams all start anew.

I don't know what tomorrow brings
But I'll face with head held high
I can now look back upon the past
And smile and say goodbye

The future is a bright blank page
Waiting for me to start to write
And it seems to me it's been so long
Since my future seemed so bright.

Tomorrow!!!!

Well, tomorrow is the big day! I will be half a century old tomorrow morning. Ok, I think I'll just stick with turning 50. The other sounds way too old. And since I'm starting a whole new life this week, I'm not feeling old. I'm feeling excited and looking forward to my life.

I have been taking a bunch of online computer classes. I wanted to design a web page about my family. However, due to free agency, my kids would prefer me not to put info about my grandkids on it. Ok, I respect that. So what do I post? One idea I was given was to put some of my poetry on here. I've never shared it much, but maybe it's time. So here is what I wrote last week when I was thinking about my life starting over.

I faced the world alone today.
The future's so bright and blue.
I have so much ahead of me.
And my dreams all start anew.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.
But I'll face with head held high.
I can now look back upon the past.
And smile and say goodbye.

The future is a bright blank page.
Waiting for me to start to write.
And it seems to me it's been so long.
Since my future seemed so bright.

Two more days

TWO MORE DAY!!!!
I only have two more days of being young. On Wednesday I turn 50 years old! Yep, the big

5---0

The funny part is it isn't as upsetting to me as it was a while back. I've got so much living to do and so many plans. I'm through living my life according to other people's expectations. For the first time I'm going to live my life the way I want it and doing what makes me happy. I do believe I've written this before (or maybe I only thought it--I am getting old, you know)but

WATCH OUT WORLD!

More to Come

Where have I been and what have I been doing since I last posted? Wow, my life has gone through some interesting changes. The Cliff Notes version: got laid off from work, taking a bunch of continuing education classes and dating more than one man. Wow, life is good right now. Details will be coming.............maybe not all of them.

I made it through the rain

I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain

I kept my point of view

I made it through the rain

and found my self respected

by the others who got rained on too

and made it through

I am ordered a link for my braclet that say I'm a survivor. When I told Rod about it, he responded that if anybody asked me what I"ve survived I'd have to pick which one I'd tell them. That is so true. I've survived a lot in my life. I'm sitting here at lunch listening to my MP3 player and this song came on. Wow, I've made it through the rain. I've made it through the rain, the wind, the snow, the sleep, the hail and almost anything else life has thrown at me.

But if I was writing the song I would have to change those words. Because as i listened I realized that after getting through the rain I've found something more important than the self respected of others who have survived. For the first time in a long time (perhaps my whole life) I have self-respect. I feel good about what I'm doing in my life and the choices I'm making. And what a difference that makes. Wow, what I could have done if I would have realized that years ago. How many books have been written on changing ourselves, changing the outside, changing our environment, changing our appearnce, changing our weight, changing our organizational skills. And this time I simply ignored all that and changed myself inside.

In April conference Pres. Hinckley quoted the poem entitled The Road Less Traveled. I'm going to find that and print it out. Because right now what is going through my head is the last line that says "and that has made all the difference." Suits how I feel about changing myself inside right now. I haven't always taken the right road. In fact, seldom have I done that. But the changes I've made inside, no matter how small, have made all the difference.

Life is Amazing

It seems that I've spent the last 49 years of my life always wanting what I can't have. And in the past 1 1/2 years I've done everything I can to get what I want, or at least what I thought I wanted. But for the first time in all those years I think I've gotten what I wanted or at least a big part of it. But instead of being happy for about two seconds and then wanting something else or something more, I'm content. I'm actually ok with things the way they are today, right now. It just took me a long time to figure out what it really was that I wanted. A big part of that was getting past the fear of being alone to realize what I need is to grow up and take care of myself and quit expecting other people to do it for me. Years ago a very wise man told me that I needed to be happy with myself before I could be truly happy. Ok, Howard, I get it now!

Independence is such an interesting concept. We spent most of our childhood, at least the teenage years, waiting to grow up, get out of our parents house and be independent. I guess I never really had that. Oh, I don't mean the wanting, I mean the getting. I went from being daughter to wife to mother without a real identity of my own. The most indepdent I ever was would have to be the few months I attended college. But then the fear of the unknown kept me going home to Dad and Mom each and every weekend. I remember sitting in a class, this young 18 year old know-it-all listening to all the women who were probably the age I am now. They were old! Their advice to us was get your education and be able to support yourself if you ever need to. I thought it was good advice and planned to follow it. Then a few months down the road I quit school and ran off and got married. Two years later I was divorced with a baby and another on the way so back to Dad and Mom I went. They took care of me until I again became a wife. A death should have given me some independence but it didn't, and again I got into a marriage to have someone to take care of me. Although circumstances made me do as much 'taking care of' as the other way around, I still had that emotional side that was being taken care of. When another death brought that to an end, did I say "Wow, I'm grown up, I can do this." No, I moved in with Angela then Mom and then Spencer. Now I'm with Priscilla. That small taste of freedom I had for the two weeks I had my own place scared me to death. But now I dream about that time and want it back. For the first time in my life I welcome independence and taking care of myself.

So the next step must be to get my financial situation in order so I can get my own place. I like the idea of perhaps someday down the road having a man to take care of me and to be able to take care of him. But not right now. Right now it's my time. Time for Susan to figure out who she is and to do things for herself. This long distance relationship is a big part of this, but it's also giving me the freedom to be able to do it. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?

Quick One

Tonight has to be a short blog. It's almost bedtime which sure comes earlier since I started working. This old brain needs more sleep to work than it used to. (Emphasis on the old part) But the last two days have been good at work. We've finally figured otu what we're doing. Of course, the new system is still due to come online Monday morning, so next week will bring new challenges. But I'm enjoying what I do.

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day even in Evanston. It got slow at work, no calls, and they had to send people home early. I got asked about it, and I choose to go home. I went home, changed clothes and headed to the park with a book, my mp3 player and my soda. It was beautiful. The grass is turning green, the wind wasn't too cold. So I laid there and enjoyed the smell of the grass. Eventually the wind got too cold, so I moved to the car with the windows down. Most of the time I didn't even read, just sit there and thought about my life. It's good right now. I'm happy with myself and my life.
That showed me that I need more 'me' time. I've always had a hard time being alone with the silence and just my thoughts. So I'm going to end with the thought on my daily calendar: When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate!

I have a lot to blog about today, but I'm too tired. It was an interesting stressful, hilarious day at work. Our new system is still not up, our old system isn't working, nobody knew for sure what we were doing, customers were upset and installers were worse. But somehow I kept my sense of humor today mainly bcause we were all in this together. And I got through which makes me feel wonderful. Tired but wonderful. So I want to share a couple of things. This quote is wonderful and fits really well with my life right now. And this website is pretty cool.

"Think about your life and set your priorities.
Find some quiet time regularly to think deeply about where you are going and what you will need to do to
get there. Jesus, our exemplar, often 'withdrew
himself into the wilderness, and prayed' (Luke 5:16). We need to do the same thing occasionally to
rejuvenate ourselves spiritually as the Savior
did.
Write down the tasks you would like to accomplish each day. Keep foremost
in mind the sacred covenants you have made with the Lord as you write down your
daily schedules." M. Russell Ballard

I'm definitely going to spend this Sunday afternoon
by myself withdrawing and doing some major thinking and rejuvenation.

And now for the website. Have fun.
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

What next?

What's next in my life? What changes am I making? Right now I can't name specifics. I just know I'm tired of not getting what I want and more, not even trying for what I want. I also know I'm not gonna rush into these changes. I'm going to take time and make a plan. I do know that I'm not going to let anybody hold me back, no matter who they are. It's time I lived the life I know I can, the life I deserve to have. If anybody holds me back or gets in my way or doesn't believe in me, I won't kick them out; but I may choose to spend less time with them. I need the love, the support and the help of people who care about me.
For the first time in years, I like myself. I've made some good changes in the past couple of years. And I'm going to keep working on those. I know that going back to work has been good for me. I've got to work on money especially my spending of money which I do so well, and my saving of money which I don't do. I do want to get my own place, but I'm not in a big hurry. If I can stay here and get some bills paid and try to get a running car, that will work. And I know that I want to enroll in some internet classes. I want to continue to learn, so I can feel more confident and be able to get a better job. I don't know how long I'm going to be in Evanston, maybe the rest of my life. That isn't in my hands, it's in the Lord's hands. My job there is to stay in tune and listen. If I do that, I'll know where I go next.
The biggest change, and the one I'm going to work on even harder are the spiritual changes I've made. I've realized I can't let a day go by without scriptures and prayer. I hate going to church alone, but I'm getting better at that. It's time to accept that I might easily be going alone the rest of my life, and that's ok too.
One thing I've always wanted to do is travel even if it's just visiting my kids and grandkids. My mini-goal is to be able to attend the baptism of all my grandkids. So that involves a trip to Alabama next January. And all the other goals are going to help that happen.
But the biggest changes of all are happening inside me. I can only do so much about the outside influences. I want to end with a quote that showed up in my inbox this morning. Seems to sum up the changes I'm going to be making.

"Between whatever happens to me and my response to it is a space.

In that space is my freedom and power to choose my response.

And in my response lay my growth and happiness."

- Stephen Covey

Ok, fair warning here. This blog is all about death. There’s nothing quite like facing mortality and the possibility of your own death to feel like you’ve been slapped up the side of the head. It sure gets your attention and makes you take stock of your life, where you are and where you want to be. Makes you realize that where you want to be is not always where you are heading unless you make some changes.

I’ve had a few moments in the past few years when I felt like I was being given a warning to change my lifestyle. A few episodes where I had some health problems that could be serious or could just be my imagination or a panic attack. Two or three times when I was taken out of Walmart in a wheelchair. I’m never been too fond of going to medical doctors. That’s mostly because of the cost. But after one episode at Walmart I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus.

Let’s back this up a few years and mention the fact that I’ve never felt like I was going to live to be very old. In fact, as odd as this might sound, a couple of weeks ago I had this very strong feeling that a wedding to Rod is never gonna be in my future because I’m not going to be around by the time he decides what he wants or is ready for it. Now I realize the definition of old varies from person to person. Heaven knows, when I was 18 I couldn’t imagine being 25. And now I’m a few months short of fifty or half a century—yuck! Of course, with my lifestyle, why would I live to be old? But lately the feeling has come back. And this week it got stronger. I had a few symptoms that could be either mild or bad, and I figured I’d just ignore it unless it got bad. But Wednesday at work I just lost it. All of a sudden I got scared to death and shaky and started to cry. I just got up, locked my stuff up and told Barb that I wasn’t feeling good and needed to go home. I actually drove to the hospital and sit outside the ER for a while before turning around and going home. I told myself that if it got worse, I’d go to the hospital. Things didn’t get any worse, but they didn’t get much better. So Friday I ended up at a doctor’s office. After checking me over and an actual EKG, he told me he thinks the problem isn’t my heart, at least not right now. But he had me do a chest x-ray to look at a few other things including my lungs. He gave me a sample inhaler to see if my shortness of breath is my asthma. I have to admit, I think it’s helping. And I got back to work on Saturday.

Well, I guess this led to my two daughters having a talk about their Mom. So Friday afternoon as Lala and I were driving down the road, we got on the subject of death. We laughed and we cried. I told her my feeling of dying young and promised to move into my own place before that happened. She said if I was gonna die she wanted me in her house. We discussed where I want a few of my important things to go. And then we actually discussed a living funeral. I can’t even remember where she heard this, but we decided if I ever find out something is wrong with me, we’re gonna have a party, invite only the people I want and celebrate my life long before anybody gets to talk about me at my funeral. It was actually good for us to have this talk. Lala’s lost too many people in the last few years and has faced too much death. But she’s a lot tougher than she knows she is.

As I said at the beginning, thinking about your own death makes you face the future a little differently. I’ve actually been making some changes and setting some goals for my future however long that is. But I’m also going to start living for today more and not living for tomorrow. I’ve done that for 49 years, but it’s time to stop. A few years ago I heard Tim McGraw’s song “Live Like You Were Dyin” and loved it. Well, it’s time I start doing that in my own life. So watch out world, Susan’s in charge and making some changes!

Happy Anniversary Yesterday

Yesterday would have been my tenth wedding anniversary with Jim. Wow, that means we've now been apart as long as we were married. I did really good yesterday for the most part. I've gotten to where I can hold it together at work. But then, I'm getting very good at 'faking it.' I had to learn to do that when I went to work at 7-11 six weeks after Jim died. Brandon, Lala and I were watching X-Files last night when, for some reason, she made a comment about me liking men with big bellies. I immediately started to cry. She felt bad about it, but it didn't last long. I went to bed shortly after that and shed a few more tears but also fell asleep thinking about the good times. Jim was a good man, and I hope to see him again someday. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the spirit world and just how much they are aware of us and what we're doing. I like to think that both Howard and Jim can see me once in a while, know the changes I've made and are proud of me.

Today was my Friday at work which was nice. It was also a really good day, not too busy, not too slow, time went fast. And I did a lot more troubleshooting than I've done and most of them ended with the customer having everything working. I felt like I'd won the lottery. Wow, what a high those calls were. I had several customers and even a couple of installer pay me compliments. There is one installer in Texas who is a little rude, but most of them are wonderful. And I love that accent. One of them asked if he could somehow get transferred to me because I was so fast. I said I'm not sure if it helps, but I do type at 90 wpm. He laughed and said that must be it, and the guy that he got three times in a row yesterday must have been hitting one letter every fifteen seconds. We had a good laugh over that. Another one told me he likes getting those of us in Wyoming cuz we're so much more helpful and more cheerful than the Utah CSR's. I guess I won't pass that one onto the other office, but I did share it with the CSR's in our office.

Two days off now and lots of plans. So I'm gonna go get a long nights sleep and get started tomorrow. Well, working around conference, of course.